Over the last little while I have been working on things that make me happy. Things that bring joy into my life and focusing my time and attention on them. I think I have been doing this to distract myself from the fact that my surgery is just 4 sleeps away – YIKES!!!!! Recently I have been asked quite a lot of times why I need more skin surgery and this is seriously a fair enough question. The fact is that I am only 3 kilos lighter now than I was when I had my skin surgery 18 months ago! Soooooooooooo it isn’t because I have lost a hell of a lot more weight. It isn’t because of what I eat and don’t eat. It is because I was super morbidly obese and this is what my damaged skin looks like. This is my reality and it is just a part of how I am. Something that makes me happy is the thought that after this surgery I will be a little less saggy than I am today. I would like to have just a bit smoother skin – I know I won’t be perfect but a little bit smoother would be very nice. I like to try and imagine what it will be like to be able to fit my arms into clothes without folding my skin into them.
Another thing that makes me happy is looking after myself. I spent so many years locked in a cycle of self loathing and hatred and being cruel to myself that I never ever did nice things for me. Those days have ended and I like to now make myself really nutritious little meals that bring joy to my heart! I find that this has been part of a healing process for me. Finally taking care of myself physically has certainly coincided with losing that level of toxic hatred of myself that used to always simmer away inside me. The things that I like to make the biggest fuss over is breakfast. I think that has probably been intentional on my behalf because I always ignored that meal. I have grown a big love for smoothie bowls and making my food look at taste as appealing as possible is helping me to care on a daily basis about the way I am nurturing myself! Who knew I would ever care about this kind of thing! But I do!! What are your favourite breakfast ideas?
I share a lot more of my food ideas on my instagram which is myweightlosssurgery.life so feel free to follow if you would like more pics and I get my pretty powders from http://www.purebotanypurveyor.com
Today is one of those lazy kind of days. Its super rare for me to have a nothing sort of a day and I am relishing it and just lapping up the moments of quiet. We have been away from home for 19 days now and quite honestly it is only people and my dog that I miss. I have found that when I take stock of my life there seems to be few things that matter to me – the things that are most important are most definitely my loved ones.
The Christmas/New Year break has been an excellent time of reflection and re-evaluation for me. What do I want the most out of 2020. How am I going to become a better version of myself? I am looking forward to the way that I can answer that this year. I am up for the challenge. I am not usually one for change but this year I am going to take a hold of it with both hands and run harder than I have ever run before.
My weight loss seems to finally be under control. I am able to eat a little more these days and that is helping me to feel better. I will have to decide about the revision surgery for my skin removal and come to a decisions if I want to go down that path again or if I will just stay as I am. Lets face it – Being fabulous and looking a little bit like ET is actually okay with me. I am not out to impress anyone and even if I was ….. should my excess skin be the standard by which I am judged? ABSOLUTELY NOT! I am a passionate self love advocate and therefore I cannot even begin to write this with any kind of authenticity unless I am willing to love me as I am and I really do. 2019 was the year that I fell in love with me and found worth in the tapestry of smooshed together, brokenness and splendid imperfections that, thrown together, make me who I am.
I am more than the silver lines that snake down my limbs and across my abdomen, and I am more the pillowy softness of the discoloured skin that resides between my thighs. I am more than the laugh lines that hint at my sense of humour before you even know that I have one and I am also more than the callouses on my work roughened hands. We are all more than we appear to be on the outside. We are born with and infused with the power to chose the path that our lives will take. Sure, there are things that happen to us along the way that are outside of our control, but our responses are always within our own power. Don’t doubt that, not even for a second. You can do this. I lost 95 Kilos and a lifetime of self loathing over the past 18 months. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. It was horrifying and liberating to finally acknowledge myself as I was and push myself towards who I knew I wanted to be.
I do not feel like I have arrived, I know that there is so much further to go. More mountains to climb and more challenges lie ahead but 2020 is my year to respond rather than react and I am praying that my response to life will wake me up in a way that I have never been woken before. I hope that I am more compassionate, driven by purpose and that I will live out of an authentic place that comes from knowing that I am okay, I am accepted and I am loved. I hope the same things for you too. Lots of love always Tash xx
Be yourself; Everyone else is already taken.— Oscar Wilde.
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I love these children of mine more than I have words to express and when one of them hurts I hurt too.
I have spoken about my previous plastic surgery through my own eyes many times on this blog. I can usually articulate my own feelings because they are mine. However you will be very hard pressed to find posts concerning the thoughts of my children. Just because it have chosen to write and have a social media presence, does not mean that they want the same thing. So I keep them out of my narratives for the most part but today is a little different. This is kind of long so bear with me!
One of the things that I have let go of over the last few years is the idea of the perfect family. I know some people have the appearance of that but I/we do not. I won’t pretend to be something I’m not and I do not want or expect that of my children. I won’t be plastically put together and present fake smiles. We used to be that and it was toxic. I have apologised to my kids for it and I have also promised them that I will never ever be that again.
The first hint of this change happened when we were pregnant with our youngest child. We walked away from the life we had wanted up to that point. There were a lot of factors involved but the main reason was because of the pressure it put on me during a complicated pregnancy and because we didn’t want our children to live their teen years with judgemental religious eyes on them. We have never regretted that choice.
Today, in truth, our family will be the one with Dad looking on a little bit oblivious to the going’s on around him, while I roll my eyes and the kids are either flipping each other off, bickering, playing pranks or totally engrossed in doing something together. There is joy in our perfect imperfection. I love that we don’t put on a face for the world anymore and if I am going to be really honest – I’m “mum” in this situation, so it would be hard to scrape perfection together because I’m just not. I am also no longer narcissistic enough to think it’s a good thing to present that kind of perfect image to the world. I will not try to control my kids emotions or tell them how they must be. They are doing a wonderful job of questioning and learning and growing into the people that they want to be and I love them as they are. They have been through some awful shit and they keep being resilient and I am proud of them. It’s not that I don’t care about others because I do, but I do not give any fucks at all what someone else thinks of my family.
The start of the truly radical shift did begin with my WLS but it came to a head after my near death experience with the plastic surgery in September of 2019. By Christmas of 2019 my fake smiles and bullshit lay discarded on the ground. I was incapable of keeping up appearances as I once did. So while we were on holidays, we were going to see relatives who thought that it was more important to judge us for the fact that our kid played fortnight, than to ask how we were doing. In that moment – total clarity – I decided – wtf am I doing. I see these people literally 2 times in 10 years and I am allowing myself to give a shit what they think of us because? I feel bad because ??? And with that the light turned on. My children are not extensions of me, they are incredible people who get to make their own choices and have their own feelings. Anyone who wants to judge my kids is welcomed, nay, vigorously urged to shove all their judgement where the proverbial sun doesn’t shine, because no one, not one family, has all their shit all the way together. And in that moment I made our excuses, we left and we will not return.
As we have removed the judgemental stick out of our arses it has opened the door for so many conversations and great experiences but it has also opened my ears to things that I may not want to hear!
Last night when my son expressed the anxiety and fear that my recent surgery had caused I knew that it was another parenting moment where I had failed to be there like I wish I had been able to be. I tried my best but he felt alone and that is on me. So today has been a somber day – one filled with reflection, couch hangs and hugs. Sometimes we just make mistakes as parents. Sometimes it’s others that are the issue and sometimes it’s ourselves!
I am hoping tomorrow is a better day and I am thankful for every single chance I get to tell my kids that I love them and to be there for them and for the part that I get to play in their lives.
Good morning Family! I was allowed to go home yesterday!! My drains were removed and I was discharged at noon! I am loving being home and have curled up in my favourite outdoor chair in a sunny place on our back deck to enjoy the feeling of warmth in the air and a beautiful cup of French Earl Grey with Tasteless in it made for me by my 11 year old son!
Yesterday was a super emotional day. I woke up from a wonderful sleep because an incredible nurse by the name of Maddi at SJOG in Geelong went out of her way to get me a recliner to sleep in last night. It meant the world to me to be able to get comfortable and she did not have to go out of her way to make my night easier like that but she did. I have to say that I had an absolutely exceptional hospital experience this time. Every staff member was wonderful but particularly Kate, Maddi and Meg – those girls just went out of their way to help me and I am so thankful.
Then something happened that has never happened to me in my entire adult life – I put a bra on and I didn’t have to tuck my side boob flap in and as soon as that happened I started to cry. I cannot even tell you how many times I have dreamed of that and I never thought it would happen. Gosh I am thankful for the transformative power of weight loss surgery, for skilled surgeons, for family and friends and most of all for the possibilities that unfold before us when we start to believe that we do matter. Have a beautiful weekend. Sending love to everyone and don’t forget to show up for your life and let nothing stop you xx
I would like to say more but right now I really can’t!
I won’t lie – I love this hard!!
Almond milk pink Pitaya latte with Tasteless protein and it is delicious on this chilly Geelong Morning!! I am cutting back on my caffeine (not giving up just scaling back) and decided to make this recipe that one of my older sons adapted for our youngest! This was made as follows!
In your tiny little saucepan add your 3/4 of a cup of protein almond milk and add a scoop of Feel Good Tasteless protein. Add 2 teaspoons of Pure Botany Pink Pitaya Powder a sprinkle of cinnamon, sprinkle of ground ginger, sprinkle of cardamom, sprinkle of all spice and a sprinkle of nutmeg. Heat until desire temperature and drink 💗💗
The pink Pitaya powder I use is from http://www.purebotanypurveyor.com
Something that I will admit I still find quite strange, is the fact that I am able to accidentally lose weight! Prior to RNY this NEVER happened. I found with everything in me to be even 1 kilo lighter and if that did happen I felt like I was on top of the world!! These days I can easily find myself 2 or 3 kilos lighter in the space of a week if I do not pay really close attention to all of the relevant nutrition things. I increased my protein this week ahead of my surgery because I want to really heal well and very quickly. I have been doing this slowly for a month or two but I upped it again and BANG off came 2 kilos in two days. This is the balancing act that I am constantly faced with. The fact that we need protein to be healthy but it causes rapid weight loss for me. I feel like it is a continual cycle that I am stuck in and not a nice one to be honest but the reality is that most of the time it is okay. It is just at times like this when I struggle with it all.
This morning the hospital called me just got go through things with me ahead of next Wednesday. I also paid my anaesthetist. In addition to paying him I emailed him to let him know about the fact that I do feel quite anxious this time around. Considering this will be surgery number 28 and I have never spoken to my gas doctor prior to the day before probably says a lot about how I feel. Undoubtedly more will follow but in the mean time I am trying to keep a good attitude going!!
I have had some super mixed feelings about going ahead with this second round of plastics.
I do have major misgivings about the whole thing. I think that is probably very very normal and a natural thing to feel anxious over. I am not keen at all on the idea of bleeding again. It makes me super nervous and that is just the cold hard reality of my situation. But, in spite of all of my misgivings I am going ahead. My surgery is booked for the 28th of April and I am excited and terrified at the same time.
Tomorrow morning I have my consult with my plastic surgeon and I am going to ask him 5 million questions. I have been sitting down today compiling a list of what I want to ask because I think that it is reasonable to have a lot of concerns and to need some reassurance at this point. These are the things that I am going to ask.
- Can you please draw me up right now as if surgery was today because I need to know what the plan is going forward.
- After the bleed that I had last time, the returning to surgery in the middle of the night and all of the fear that I experienced I need to know how likely it is that that could happen again.
- The blood vessel that caused the bleeding last time – could the same thing happen with that one again.
- Where will my arm scars be and can you draw them on me please so I can understand what to expect.
- My side boob is the part of me that I am the most uncomfortable with – how much of that will be removed because I HATE it.
- Where are you taking the fat from to put into my boobs?
- How long will the surgery take?
- How long will I be in hospital
- Will I have a drain in and if so how long will I need the drain for (( I know if I need one that you cant give me exact times and just a ballpark is fine)
- Will I have a catheter in because I am scared of getting up too soon if I need to pee?
What else should I be asking do you think?