I am packing my bag for hospital – Okay it’s still three weeks tomorrow until my surgery BUT I need to keep hope in front of me to help me focus on moving forward! Today I am exhausted. I am trying really hard not to let myself feel overwhelmed because quite honestly things are overwhelmingly good at the moment with the exception of my blood test results last week.
What helps to keep you moving forward when everything feels like it is all a bit much?
Sunday afternoons should be for sleeping and dreaming and planning and making amazing memories BUT more often than not, I find myself doing everything that I have missed for the whole week on a Sunday afternoon. This afternoon I watched my 15 year old play his last game of AFL for the season. They were knocked out in the first round of finals for Div 2 Under 17’s. To be honest he doesn’t seem to be terribly sad about it. I think it comes to a point where you just know, “hey we had a good season but I think we are done.”
There seems to be a bit of a lesson in that – I have had a few situations like that over the past few months. I have found myself in a place where I have called time on trying and strangely I have peace about that. Who is this grown up version of myself that I see before me. Have you ever found yourself in the middle of things that you couldn’t fix and just thought yep – I am done and right now I am just hand balling this one because its something that I can’t carry. That is me at this point in time.
So what am I facing? Well I have a complication of gastric bypass known as malnutrition. I have to admit that I am totally devastated by this diagnosis because I have tried so soooooooo hard to stay on top of my eating and drinking so that I didn’t have this – but here we are. And for the next little bit I will be fighting my way back to good blood test results because anything else will mean that my skin removal surgery can’t go ahead on the planned date. Over the next week I will share more of what I am eating on a daily basis but today I am drinking protein water and having protein shakes and eating things that I know will improve my numbers.
Unfortunately it isn’t easy but ultimately it will be worth it! I wish I could write more but my hands are having pins and needles and my brain has become a bit foggy so I am going to go and have a rest before I have to try and do the evening with the family.
In the last 14 months I have learned a lot of things. Not all of the lessons have been fun to learn! One of the most heartbreaking lessons is that I used food as a coping mechanism 100% of the time for 40ish years of my life. Everything that I did revolved around food. I didn’t mean for it to be that way – but it doesn’t change the fact that it was that way. I have so many regrets that I have had to deal with. Making birthdays, holidays, important celebrations and Christmas about food and not about people. This was so wrong and my heart breaks when I think about how I lived, how I didn’t realise how sad it was and the fact that I can’t get back those lost years with my kids. In all honesty, I fucked up in some pretty big ways.
Weight loss has deconstructed my fatness and my arrogance at the same time. I am heart broken for my mistakes but hopeful for my future. I have learned that facing your demons is easy when you just look yourself in the face and see yourself for who and what you are – the good, the bad and everything in between.
Today was get the blood test results from the doctor day – Those results weren’t good. My blood protein level is down. I am not eating enough *shock horror* my vitamin D level is terrible and my B12 isn’t much better. So this explains most of the way that I have been feeling.
So where to from here? The thing about my blood protein levels is that if I increase the amount of protein in my diet I loose weight because it just seems to trigger weight loss in me. I don’t need to loose any more weight. I am right on the brink of being under weight as it is and don’t want to go any lower. So now I have to work out what to do from here. How to supplement my levels and not loose weight. This will be a challenge! I also need to get this sorted ahead of my plastic surgery next month!
Today started out like most other days. A coffee in bed to wake me up and then the school things for the kids – get ready to get out the door etc etc. All the usual busy morning things for our family. I had a doctors appointment to go to this afternoon and a few hours of work in between so it was time to be up and moving. So out the door we go and I start doing the drop offs of the kids and as I am blowing a kiss to Lincoln it all starts to go HORRIBLY WRONG. My tummy starts to hurt ….. A LOT ……..And just like that there was a poonami aaaaaaand dumping syndrome? Is that you? why you so mean today? Why does my own colon hate me? So that was a pretty shitty way to start the day. (HA HA I have jokes because thats about all I DO have at this point. My sense of dignity is GONE!) That will teach me for ….. ummm nope – nothing different this morning to any other day 🤦🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Thanks Bypass
What I will never understand is how one can eat the same thing day in and day out for months with no problem and then BANG! The bypass decides the school run will be even more crap than usual 🤣 And to add insult to injury WHY is every mofo going in slow motion today?? I mean I do get it! I kiss my kids every morning too but when the eruption is about to happen you wanna scream from your window “it’s six fricken hours!! You will see them again in 6 hours – DRIVE damn it!” Has anyone else done the mad dash from the car to the house with house key in hand just hoping and praying you have enough coordination to shove the key in the lock and remember the right way to turn it because split seconds ARE GONNA MATTER? And now the neighbour thinks I’m a rude cow because there is no stopping to chat today 😳how would I explain it “sorry Lovely I can’t chat I am shitting myself 🤔🥴” oh well I guess today can only improve from here 🤞🏻
I am updating this page and adding a lot of old blogs of mine so you can expect to read a lot more from me in the days ahead but lets just say that as August of 2019 draws rapidly to a close I remain incredibly grateful. I am so fortunate to have had gastric bypass surgery. I am blessed to have hit every single one of my personal goals and I am looking forward to the future like never before.
This has not been easy. It is probably the most difficult think that I have ever done. Weight Loss isn’t easy – no matter how it happens. I needed surgical intervention to help me, but that was just the start of the process. Undoing a lifetime of self medication with my drug of choice has played with my mind in ways that I never dreamed it would. I have been forced to confront the parts of me that I did not want to look at, that I did not like and that I still struggle with and I am slowly making peace with my past.
I can’t speak for anyone except myself, but I can say that I have been totally undone by the mind game that is a 90 kilo weight loss. To become completely unrecognisable in 12 months does things to you! I am learning about myself again. I am rediscovering the wonder of being able to do whatever the hell I want – just like anyone else that is not morbidly obese. I don’t have to worry when I walk into a cafe if there will be a chair strong enough for me to sit on, or if I will be able to avoid being stared at by rude strangers while I grocery shop, or wonder if my children are ashamed of me when I cheer for them at their sports days. Every single day I seem to find new ways to become more comfortable in my own skin and that has been a revelation!
As far as weekends go this one has really not been great … many a drama to be had and I was 100% over everything! So tonight I will admit that I probably looked a bit the worse for wear when I had to do a pit stop to Woolies in between child And teenager drop offs! I had meandered around the store and found all of the items that had been requested by the demanding hoard at my house, and snuck myself some dark chocolate as an afterthought.
I was having a lovely chat to the girl at the checkout and had paid her for my items when she realised that she hadn’t scanned my chocolate. I went to grab the money out of my purse to pay for it when the man behind me grabbed the chocolate, gave it to me and told the girl serving me he would pay for it on his order. He smiled at me and said “you were already out the door, just pay it forward when you get a chance” I wanted to hug him! And did thank him profusely – then went and sat in my car and cried. He was the first person to smile at me today. So thanks Mr. Chocolate buying man!! You made my weekend 🙌🏻 There should be more men who understand the power of chocolate 🙌🏻♥️😊 don’t judge me – I eat one square every couple of days because I like it.
15 months post Gastric Bypass 12 years post Lap Band – 9 years post Lap Removal HW 143 CW low 50’s
It hasn’t been an easy road – heck it’s still not. There are days when I doubt the choice I made but honestly the only way now is forward! So forward I am going!! I am so thankful to my big self for dreaming that this future was possible.
4 weeks and 6 sleeps until skin removal surgery! Tummy Tuck and Muscle Repair with mons lift and Breast lift and reduction! I am a mixed bag of feelings over the next step in this process. I am obsessively grateful to be able to have the skin removed and I am also very aware that I am about to change how I look forever … again!!
Bring on the next part of the journey! For those who have followed along I have had my appointment with my surgeons nurse and asked a whole lot of questions. I am starting to feel ready. I am even wearing a dressing for the next week to make sure I’m not allergic to what I will have on me post op!