We live with ourselves right? Like, I know things about me that NO ONE else knows. There are things about me, secrets that no one will ever know, things that I will take to my grave.
Things like – how many times I sucked Ice Magic directly from the bottle or ate peanut butter out of the jar, how many times I rubbed one out over Patrick in Dirty Dancing, the amount of times I thought about a beautiful girl back when I wasn’t sure if I liked guys, girls or both in equal measure, how often I escaped to the beach to sit and be alone because sometimes a girl just needs to hear the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks 🌊🌊 okay okay sooooooooooo it was more to do with my booty call and his proximity to the beach, but I did like that whole wave crashing thing too ….. I just like the rock hard surfer abs more 🤤😍
Do you remember those days? The care free days? The days when the worst thing that happened was that your best friend didn’t like you at that moment or the person you adored didn’t know you were alive? The days when you felt everything! The teen years!! Heightened hormones and everything that went along with it. Well I have found that the weight loss journey feels a whole hell of a lot like that! Still interested? Then read on my friend, read on.
I remember the day that I decided I was actually going to do this. I was going to turn my life around and have WLS. And just quietly – I didn’t really think that weight loss surgery would work. I had been the unfortunately recipient of a failed lap band that had been removed. I was TERRIFIED of going under the knife again! And things like that worked for other people but they didn’t work for me. The ‘genetic predisposition towards fatness gods’ had not smiled upon me! I was doomed to look like a beach ball with arms, legs and a head for the RESSSST OF ETERNITY!!!!! I was a bit like Pooh Bear …. I was “short, fat and proud of that” constantly “rumbly in my tumbly” and looking for something sweet ……. or savoury …… OKAY OKAY ….. I just LOVED food. But a little idea was brewing on the inside of me. I wondered what I would look like without all of the excess me.
In my adult life I have been fat for 95% of it. And in all honesty it was hard for me to imagine what it would be like to be a non plus size. I didn’t even know what that would feel like! So to help myself focus on all of the good reasons to move forward with the surgery I wrote a list of the things that I would do when I was thin. I was also a little bit intentional about writing things on that list that were for me and me alone. I know that may sound selfish but if you can remember what I was talking about last time – I knew that I had to make this change for me. Yes everyone around us benefits from our lifestyle change but this time it wasn’t about everyone. It was about me.
So I wrote a title for my list MY WHY and I sat and stared at the blank piece of paper and couldn’t think of anything!! WTF!!! It took a couple of days of staring at that blank piece of paper on my desk before I got brave enough to write my first WHY on it – To look gloriously hot in a pair of high waisted skinny jeans! I sat at my desk smirking and laughed to myself but in that moment HOPE bubbled up inside me, the dam broke and out poured all of the things that I secretly dreamed for myself. It’s not selfish to want a better health outcome for your life, it is NOT selfish to prioritise good health, it is not wrong to dream of being unhindered by excess self, of running a marathon, of going on a holiday to a tropical destination without fear of being sweaty and chaffed the whole time, it isn’t selfish to want to see your own genitals or dream of having hot sex up against the wall – but all of those things are just a dream when trapped in a morbidly obese body. So on and on and I wrote! By the time I finished my WHY list it was pages long. I can write a compelling argument – I even convinced myself that this was probably my last chance to ever have my WHY list.
My WHY list helped me overcome my first hurdle, the YOU BAD AND SELFISH WOMAN HOW CAN YOU DO THIS!! My WHY list was more compelling than the thought of WLS being 150% selfish. “Oh but its just so selfish to remove my income from the family for 6 weeks while I recover, and how can I consider doing this to the kids? What kind of monster am I to do something like this for myself? We could use that money for so many other things!” Armed with my WHY list, ever the voice of reason, the one and only Stevie J (hubster and bangable best friend) said “What will the future look like if you don’t do this?” He handed me my list and he smiled at me, kissed me on the nose and left for work! Ummmm what the fuck was that? How does he disarm EVERY single one of my arguments with a sentence? Can I encourage you to write down your WHY’s – Keep them with you. Let them motivate you both before and after surgery. Make sure that they are compelling enough to keep your focus.
So there began my determination to actually do something this time. It wasn’t going to be like every other time I had backed out of something, changed my mind, or just found it all too hard and put it in the “fuck it bucket” and ran screaming the other way. This time I was going to relearn what it felt like to look after myself, I was going to take my health back, I was going to be the me that I was on the inside – on the outside! I was so pumped for about 2 hours!! And then reality came crashing in around me. HOW THE HELL was I going to do this!! Why would it be any different this time? So, armed with the tiny little bubble of self love that was brewing in my heart, kept my WHY list with me at all times and read it a few times a day! That list became fuel to the genuine desire that I had to make steps away from my beach bally self – so I formulated my BE GONE FAT PLAN.
Step one of my BE GONE FAT PLAN was as far as I could go to start with. I had made an awful mistake with my Lap Band Surgeon years prior. This was the part that frightened me beyond words!! I didn’t want to make a terrible mistake again soooooooo. I set myself some Goals. I am good with that kind of thing – business background blah blah. I knew that I needed to be really specific about what I wanted. I needed to give myself a time frame in which to achieve my first goal which was “FIND GOD OR GODESS OF GASTRIC SURGERY” that I can trust to get this right for me. And so the challenge was set. FIND THE SURGEON AND I gave myself 4 weeks to do it!