Merry Christmas Ya Filthy Animals πŸ˜œ

Oh Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree, How stressful is the seeeeeeason! I am writing this in my post Christmas calm, while lying in bed having a little afternoon rest. This is code for I have a wicked hang over and reflux kept me awake all hours of the night, so I am trying to make up for some of those lost hours in the middle of the day. DAYUMMMMMM that’s a far cry from me a few years ago. If you have known me for a long time – well I am not sorry for who I am now but I am sorry if you were ever adversely affected by the self righteous stick that I have only learned to recently remove from ….. well you know where.

Christmas, its reason, its whole purpose was never about the warm glow of bellies filled with yuletide yumminess or of how many presents exhausted parents could stack under their trees, in an effort to convince their children that they love them. Im sorry I know that I sound cynical and to be honest, this year, I may well be a little cynical. For years and years I brought into Christmas hype. I made Christmas something that it isn’t and I am sorry for that. The wonder and beauty of the first Christmas is not wrapped in commercialism and families trying their best to awkwardly smile through another full day of activities bound up in feelings of duty.

This year I woke up in the home of my childhood. This year I woke up with both of my siblings in the same house as me – for the first time in ohhhhhh about 26 years! This year it wasn’t about presents (yes we had them) or particular dishes that we would gorge ourselves on. There is very little gorging when my brother, sister and I can eat a cup of food between us per meal πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ This year it was about being with the people that we love. About reconnecting and adding value to relationships. The first Christmas was about hope and this year, after the darkest year of my life, I have felt hope come alive again. Not because of anything anyone preached to me, but because of the LOVE that has been shown. Oh to preach our beliefs with our actions rather than with empty words and to let love speak via who we are.

Christmas is more than a day – it is a love filled narrative that is year long and if its not that …. well I guess for me it is probably just an empty, commercialised thing. So for the first time in a very long time I can truly say that Christmas has changed my life.

Family and Friends

2019 has been the hardest year that I have lived. I lost faith and felt hope slipping though my grasping fingers as I traversed the summer of 2018/2019. Have you ever felt hope fade from your sight? I thought I had but I was very much mistaken.

If I could describe how I felt it would be to say that hope used to burn brightly, like an inextinguishable flame, somewhere in my heart. Hope often felt bigger than me and It was my greatly loved companion in life. I could tap into it when I was frightened, alone, saddened or in need of comfort. This year, my fourty second year, hope waned in me. I questioned every single thing that I have ever believed to be true. I felt shattered and unmade, undone in a fundamental way.

By the end of the longest winter of my life I had decided that what I truly needed was to go home. Home for me is the Sunshine Coast in Queensland but it is more than that. It is the home of my childhood, my grandfather, my mother, my family – I needed them. I have been home since Saturday evening and I already feel better than I have in so many months. The first night back I slept like I haven’t done in years and years. I went to bed at 7:30 and woke nearly 10 hours later. That never happens to me.

I needed to come home. I love it here. I have clarity here to pick up the shattered pieces of me that feel as if they authentically belonged in my life and the courage to leave the rest where it fell. For the next month this is where I will be – laughing with family and friends, swimming in waterfalls and walking perfectly sun kissed beaches, drinking coffee, playing with my kids and allowing hope to grow big again.

The Christmas Hams

My gorgeous nephew came to visit a couple of weeks ago and he brought with him his delightful partner, whom I had never met before but was very sad to say goodbye to! Its wonderful to reconnect with family when you haven’t seen each other for a while and what was even better was to find that we share a love of fitness – well now we do. I always did love the gym but I was just far too big when I was at my biggest to be able to work out. Working out was walking, never mind lifting anything! That is the thing that I love in the gym – I love to lift.

I am loving the fact that the gym is once again part of my life. It makes me so happy to be getting back into fitness. It just makes me feel good.

Tonight was grow me an πŸ‘ day – or, as my nephew calls it “the Christmas Hams”. This year my Christmas Hams are looking a bit lean on it, but mark my words, there is going to be a pair of nicely rounded hams there next year. Leg and glutes day was ALWAYS my favourite and I have found that nothing has changed EXCEPT since my plastic surgeons have repaired my stomach muscle separation I am loving working my abs too! Oh the joy have developing that V in the lower abdominal area – yes I know its probably a bit silly and vain at my age to care about such things but honestly if I don’t work it now then when will I ever do it.

Keeping it raw

There are a lot of things in this world that I find confusing. I don’t understand why rain sometimes seems to blow in sideways, I don’t understand how coffee seems to hug me from the inside or why Bono’s voice can soothe me, no matter my mood. I also don’t understand why we put on airs and graces, or feel compelled to embellish things to impress others. I mean yes, I do get why, but I hate it and therefore this post is a tribute to raw honesty.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were looking at something and it made you feel uncomfortable but you just couldn’t turn away? Well, imagine if that was your body. I know that so many people can relate to this because in general, we, the human race, seem to continuously look for ways to make ourselves feel better or be better (I have a whole theory about that but that is just not for today – today I am ticked off at myself for hating me for even a few minutes) I can stick my hand up and say “Yep, 100% – I felt akin to something that no one wants to step in” when I was 140+ kilos and even now – there are days when I look at myself, feel uncomfortable and I inwardly turn away.

Today I have inwardly turned away. Today I started back at the gym. It was a GREAT feeling. OMG working out again – THIS IS HUGE FOR ME!! I never thought I would see the inside of a gym again. No cardio for me because any weight loss would be a very very bad idea but I LOVED using weights again. I hope that my muscles remember how they used to look all those years ago! So I finished leg day, I have a sore bum coz squats =πŸ‘ and I want a πŸ‘ not a πŸ₯ž ….. I felt great chatting with my work out buddy on our way home and once I was home I went and stood in the bathroom and the reality of my body right now gripped me.

I had moments like this all the time when I was fat, I would turn away from the mirror, run to the fridge, stand in front of it and feel myself become calmer as I opened the door, I would stuffed my face with some carb loaded abomination and by the time I finished eating it, the tears had stopped but the self loathing would increase 100 fold. That was my coping mechanism, my drug of choice and that would make the problem worse. This morning standing in front of the mirror, I felt all of the same emotions come bubbling up to the surface – the self loathing, the wanting to be different, the wanting to feel beautiful just once, the wishing that I was attractive and even the old, old disconnectedness with certain parts of my body came rushing to the forefront of my mind. At that point I had to turn away, but I stopped, shut my eyes, calmed myself and then turned back the fuck around, and eyeballed myself and said “ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!! YOU HAVE NOT COME THIS FAR TO HATE YOURSELF TODAY!”

Today I will not let myself wallow in self pity. I will celebrate how far I have come. Not perfect and not everyones cup of tea but thats okay too. I guess today I wanted to write this to say don’t be so hard on yourself, we all go through things that we never talk about. We all carry things inside of us that we wish weren’t there or that we wish we could easily change – the truth is that all of us are a mess. Our mess may look different but we all have them just the same. Learning to love ourselves and find the worth and value is the trick. Thats why I refuse to be anything other than me. If its raw and a bit edgy, well thats okay – this proverbial pig has no lipstick on it and I like it that way.

How I was and how I am now