VALENTINES DAY EDITION When it’s not perfect

Steve and I fell for each other in high school. I adored him from afar for a long time and never expected him to notice me. Eventually he did and I felt like I had won the lottery. We probably both felt a little that way. The smile that man possesses should be banned! And just quietly his arse was always hypnotic too 🍑🙌🏻🌟👌🏻 AAAAAANYWAY it wasn’t long before we decided to make it official with wedding plans!

We met with someone for pre-marriage counselling. He gave us a questionnaire, compared the results and he told us “don’t do it – you are too different, it won’t last” so of course we did it anyway. This year, in August we will celebrate 25 years of marriage. So I guess ole mate the marriage counsellor was wrong. Well he was right about how different we are!!! Oh my goodness he was right about that but wrong about the “it won’t last” thing. I suppose everyone that expected it wouldn’t last was also wrong 🤣🤣 (let’s not kid ourselves because we all know that happened)

Hindsight is fabulous, it affords us a view of ourselves that hopefully empowers us to grow into better people. I believe that the person I was 25 years ago was far too hurt and broken to be in any relationship and good, well meaning (probably some know it all turds too) people picked up on that! In any case Steve and I did what we did and we made the choices that we did anyway! I regret nothing about choosing him. He has been the most incredible friend and loving Dad. The only regrets I have are the times that my brokenness has leeched into my interactions with him and hurt him.

WLS has made me examine myself like I never have before, WLS removed my excuses and WLS made me look at me and say “No Tasha – what happened to you has power over you as long as you allow it to continue colouring your interactions” It was the jolt I needed to examine my own self and make changes. I continue working on me because I deserve it but so does everyone I love and everyone who loves me. The best version of us is the authentic, honest, humble version of ourselves who is willing to admit to their mistakes and brave enough to first imagine AND then live a new life!

When I imagine those things, my every thought involves him. He has loved me in all my various forms and with all of my messed up baggage. I’m glad that I am fortunate enough to get to walk out my days with you Steve. Happy Valentine’s Day.

Love Tash xx

Tired

I have done a lot of things for a long time with other people in mind. I kept thinking – life will be better when…… When I have finished my diplomas, when I lose weight, when I have skin removal surgery, when I can get the job that I want, when, when, when ……. and the reality of that type of thought train is that it never actually pulls in to a station. Have you noticed that you never actually arrive at the destination of promised nirvana? Perhaps it’s just me? That is actually very possible because I have always been highly driven. However, I have come to realise that I HAVE TO SLOW DOWN. I have to take time to look at the things that truly matter in my life and learn to appreciate them while I have them.

Lately I am tired. This is me honestly unpacking the last few months. September 2019 was skin removal surgery and the recovering from that was more horrific than I anticipated. My post surgical complications have caused me to develop PTSD….I already had mild anxiety issues so it’s been HARD. I don’t like to talk about this stuff. Actually I hate it because it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t want to be vulnerable but the truth is – I am.

2019 was a struggle on every level for us and 2020 hasn’t really been much easier. There are wonderful bright spots but there are some huge unknowns that gnaw away at me and from time to time I find myself falling in a heap. I am in a heap today. I am adulting because I have to, I am out doing what needs to be done because I have to but inside I am on shakey ground. Steve requires medical intervention for an injury which is a massive deal for us. It worries me and it makes me feel very helpless as I can’t do more than I currently am doing.

Physically I am often asked how I am doing. Anyone that has seen me in person of late will know that I am very thin. Thin is not the problem. Thin/normal BMI/healthy was the goal, I am at the bottom end of the healthy weight range for my height so I am okay in that department. What is more concerning is the malabsorption of nutrients, the low blood pressure, and the continual battle to not have my weight dropping because I have been doing a physical job that causes me to burn more calories than I can consume. I’m not whinging, I accept responsibility for the choices that I have made and I know that my life, to this date is the sum of my own decisions. But it has been challenging in so many ways.

Speaking of decisions – Some of mine have been brilliant and others have been horrific but hey, that’s half the fun of life isn’t it? I am always reminded by my psychologist and by good friends, to “look at the positives in life” so today I am looking – I have my magnifying glass out and I am trying to find those positives. Actually they aren’t that hard to find – even on the hard days. Even on my shakey days! You know what I am going to call this the last paragraph for the day. I could keep writing but sometimes unpacking needs to be put aside for a bit!! So I am going to go find some sun and sit in it and just be a person for a while. Thanks for reading

Love Tash