It’s been a long few days in Geelong. Holding myself together while I do not feel like I can has been hard. I am tired. It has been months since I slept well. The last week has been one of the most pressured we have had in a long time for so many reasons.
So, I am not feeling okay right now!! I feel like falling apart a little bit!!! Death and loss and surgery all in one week produces big emotions for those big and small in our house. I can feel myself crumpling and I can’t afford the time right now to crumple under the pressure.
I am also really tired of judgemental people. When I was fat, people didn’t talk about my size to my face – well not usually. But the strange thing that happens when you lose excess weight is that everyone is suddenly an expert on what your health issues “clearly are” and what you should and shouldn’t be doing and they will say it to your face. This is odd. Unless you are numbered in those that I have given permission to say whatever they like to me it would be foolish right now, to do this. You will know if you are one of those people because I will have said “Say whatever you like to me” …. I have decided that the next person to message me via my socials, telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing with my own body will be told to deep throat a cactus …… and yes, I did and do mean that 🤣. There is a boundary there – even someone like me does have those!
Once again someone was rude to me while we were out doing grocery shopping. I am sincerely sorry that people are triggered by my thinness but so tired of being abused for no reason except that I like to read food labels before mindlessly dumping food in my trolly. So after that, I decided that I was going to come home, finish preparing my slow cooked lamb shoulder, enjoy a tiny dinner, a glass of wine and an early night. I let my frustration at the week that was, spill from my eyes as I sunk into the comfort of my lounge. I reminded myself that I can’t fix all of the things that have broken my little boys heart. All I can do is love him.
The lulling tattoo of the waves relentlessly pounding onto the moss-slickened rocks far below her little sheltered nook at the edge of the cliff face, always quietened her heart. It was peaceful in a way that nothing else was, to gaze out over the shimmery, expanse of blue, breathe in deeply and allow herself to feel the sense of perspective wash over her anew. It may feel like the world was collapsing, like her support system was broken, beyond her ability to mend it and her sense of self loathing may have been totally all encompassing at times. But here, in these moments she feel her pains melt away.
That little sea-savaged place had become her most favourite place in the world. It was a place to help her forget and forget she did. He helped her with forgetting. She had a thing for blondes, it started years and years earlier, the only problem was that she was his secret. What she wanted the most, needed the most, was to find a way to like herself, to see some kind of value or worth when she looked at her own reflection and for a few stolen moments she felt like she had value because he wanted her.
When it became that way between them, she wasn’t quite sure. She was messed up with her past hurts and pain and so was he. Two broken people trying to forget and losing themselves in each other. It’s not an unfamiliar narrative is it? All she wanted to do was feel like she was loveable. The beliefs that she had relied on to ground her had slipped through her fingers, and seemed to be lost to her. She felt as though those beliefs hinged on her ability to be good enough – and she had blown that a long time ago! She adored him but she couldn’t tell him that because that would be admitting that she need wanted something and besides, she suspected that he didn’t really want her – he wanted sex and she hoped that if she gave that to him that he would want more.
Oh how I wish I could shake her, stop her, appeal to her in some way that would change the trajectory of her choices. But the truth is that it would take years for her to come to the place where she was willing to learn from the mistakes of others, rather than making her own. She would never have listened – It was the arrogance of youth and her inability to trust. She was sure that she wanted this and that she was okay with no strings. She was convinced that nights in his arms were worth it. They made her feel like garbage afterwards but at the time, for those few hours, it all felt worthwhile and she nearly forgot that she was chunky, just for a while!