Neverland

You can fly, you can fly, you can fly! there have been many moments in life that I keep tucked away in my heart but I think one of my most favourite was the look on my daughters face the day that we went on the Peter Pan ride at Disneyland many years ago. Her sweet little smile and wide eyes will never leave my memory.

As far as I was concerned Peters shadow had the right idea – Hiding in a box seemed like a very fun thing to do. I know that I tucked the truest version of myself away long ago. It is easier to face the world when we only let them see the projected version of ourselves. That version that we want them to see. Not us as we truly are. That is the funny thing about this year for me. I am more myself than I have ever been.

Pixie

The last few days have been hard! Who knew that cutting my hair short would trigger so many emotions!! Well I suspected it may but here is what I have been going thru personally. This year has been transformative for me. The heart episode in March was another wake up call!! I am making room in my life for me to become what I want to be. Does that sound kind of crazy? I think it does BUT I have worn a lot of labels in my life. I wore them because they were given to me by others and I just accepted that. As I have lost weight and my life has changed, I have started to examine those labels and the things that go along with them.

I always knew exactly who I was on the inside but I was frightened to be that person. I was scared of not being accepted, so it was easier to just wear the labels I was given by others because if I was never truly me, if I never let anyone see me as I really am, then I would never be hurt.

I remember a few years ago I was told that only vain people wore as much make up as I was wearing on that day and I shouldn’t be trying to draw attention to myself. I was MORTIFIED, I wasn’t trying to draw attention – I was trying to face the day and not feel so ugly. It was a waste of money to get my hair done ….. that money could be better spent on being generous to others. It is frivolous to have more than one pair of jeans because you can only wear one pair at a time. I should just stick to black because it covered a multitude of sins and there was a lot to cover … and on and on and on it goes. Peeling back the layers on my personal transformation has been soul searching and tough!

The most challenging thing recently was my hair. I grew up with certain ideals around hair – and getting it cut short was not one of them. I always wanted to chop it all off but I had some ideals that needed to die before I was ready to wear it how it is now!! When I had my hair cut a number of men commented on it and hinted that men like long hair …. bish please … if you love it that much then you grow it!! And here is the thing – I now do what I want for me because it’s what I want to do. Where I am concerned times have changed – I dress to please myself, I wear what I love, I do my make up how I love it and I have my hair how I want it to be. I will not be transformed into the image someone else has of what I should be. I love my husband but I am not becoming his dream anything – I am becoming the best me that I can be.

For the first time in my life I have realised that it is okay for me to show who I have always been!! I’m a little bit sweary, I love my coffee, the greatest loves in my life are my family, I will be relentlessly authentic and I’m not sorry for that because it’s who I am. I am a jeans loving, converse wearing, little miss doo gooder, with short hair and a big heart!

Here are a few things that I have learned along the way from my plump self down to my slim self.

  1. It is my responsibility. No matter what, no matter the situation or why I feel compelled to want to eat … what I put into my mouth is on me.
  2. No one else can do this for me.
  3. Loving and cheering for myself and seeing the value in myself is ESSENTIAL for my health – both physical and mental!
  4. I am worth it.
  5. I am loveable at any size and so are you
  6. Never ever let something that someone else said about you define you! You have the final say x

Ready, Aim, Fire

Oh the joy of being able to zing when one wants to. I often think of the Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan classic, You’ve Got Mail ….. and remember the line concerning the ability to zing someone and that “remorse inevitably follows.” Lately, well, to be very frank, I find myself waiting for the remorse to follow – and, at length I have found, it doesn’t. This possibly means a number of things, all of which are probably vastly unflattering towards myself – however, I find myself unable to care. I suspect this is because my bullshit filter has finally reached a point where I am not sorry for speaking the truth. In fact, I need it. I need to know where I stand, I need to be honest about my feelings and about where things lie for me right now.

So – I have been a little quite on the blogging front because my Mac has been in the ICU for the last, nearly 4 weeks. Covid-19 and everyone working from home has put a big strain on the local computer repair people, so, my computer only just arrived back home today! Oh joy of joys, oh rapturous glee….. the smooth feeling of my keyboard and the little clickity click click of the keys have reinvigorated my heart and make the task of blogging a joy. It always is a joy anyway, but tonight it feels even more joyous.

“So what has been happening?” You may ask? Well, I have had wonderful blood test results. All of my levels except my blood protein levels, are within the normal range! This is cause for huge celebration. It means that at long last my vitamin regime is doing its job. My protein levels are up from last test but they still need to go up further. The thing about that is that protein triggers weight loss for me …… so this is my “chicken and the egg” drama that I have been playing for the best part of 2 years. I will sort it out and get those levels right, it will just take a bit more time and I am okay with that – honestly I have nothing but time.

Also, I had my two year bypassaversary. 98 kilos less of me from my highest recorded weight. So many changes have followed along behind the weight loss. Most recently a little bit of a personal make over. So all is good. On a personal front. I think I am the best that I have been for a while. Isolation was good for me and even the hard things that have happened this year have been good for me also. I know where I am heading and I know who is in my boat with me.