Not invisible

This morning I have done a lot of thinking. A friend of mine from an admin team on one of the facebooks groups we run asked a question the other day on one of our pages- and while I know it was a bit tongue in cheek ( concerning the ailments doctors have blamed on obesity) it has had me revisit a story. I wasn’t sure I would ever share this because I was so ashamed of it. It’s about bum stuff so if that bothers you STOP 🛑 and do not read anymore because mine will feature in this narrative! No pics 🤣🤣🤣 but the story is there just the same!

I decided that I am going to share this because, you know what, I am not the one that should be ashamed. All I did was eat too much – what the other person did was be a judgemental wank!

A number of years ago, right before we moved to Geelong, I went in to have a doctors appointment at the clinic I had gone to since I was a baby. The owner of the clinic actually delivered me and was my mothers doctor! Her mother before her had always gone to that same clinic also. I had grown up around these medical professionals and there had been a bit of an “if you lose weight that would help …… your ingrown toe nail, your asthma, your wart, your sore shoulder etc etc etc” But I think that I just accepted it. I figured, yeah I am fat and if I wasn’t fat I wouldn’t have all of these problems. I sat there and endured appointment after condescending appointment over decades!! Why I did that I DO NOT KNOW!!! We will put that down to some kind of odd self esteem issue!

Anyway, that final appointment – Once again I had really really REALLY bad piles! You know, awkward and painful thing escaping from ones anus …. or so I thought. I knew that this was going to mean hanging my arse out and parting my cheeks for ole mate doctor! I am pretty sure that there are few things more embarrassing than having the GP have to address the rear!! Unfortunately the GP did need to examine me and he told me that I also had an anal fissure. It wasn’t the first time that had happened. I knew need antibiotics and the doctor actually said to me “If you weren’t so fuck ……….. if you would address your weight I believe that this situation would be greatly improved.” I said “If I wasn’t so Fucking Fat? Is that what you were going to say?” He just ignored me, while I pulled my pants back up, wrote me a script and I got up and left. Determined to never ever go there again but just as determined to say nothing because of the shame I felt burning in me!!!

At that time I didn’t let myself speak up. I couldn’t let my voice rise above my own self loathing, fear and shame. At that time I was so frightened of drawing attention or saying something wrong that might make me the subject of additional cruel taunts or ridicule that I would sit in silence. That day I accepted that he didn’t answer me, I accepted that he insulted me and I just looked down, hanging my head in shame. I went home and cried and cried. Steve said, “just never go back there babe” and I determined that would be my course of action!!

BUT that Tash isn’t here anymore. I am not the Tash of a decade ago…….. I can, will and do speak up because I know what it is like to feel too afraid to say anything. I was recently standing at a deli and a lady was ahead of me but the server tried to serve me first, I watched the ladies head bow as she was overlooked and I said “no, this person was waiting before me.” And took a step back. I hate that kind of thing!! Don’t overlook someone because of their size!!!

Anyway, I plan to go and see my old doctor when I next visit my old home town. I am happy to pay for him to look at me for 15 minutes and remember that he once made a really disgusting comment to a really down-trodden woman but in spite of his cruelty, she eventually got up and changed her life. I won’t be unkind but I will ask him to remember that everyone deserves to be treated with respect. As a side note, even as a thin person I still get these issues! It wasn’t a fat thing it was just a my arsehole thing lol!!!

I was talking to my mum about this just this morning and as a Mumma to 3 kids that have all had weight loss surgery and as a woman that is still large herself – this is what she said.
“Yes well you go girl. People should not be so disgusting to obese people, no one actually wants to feel terrible about themselves.” Please know that regardless of size we all deserve to be treated with respect and kindness. It IS a basic human right. Never forget that we can kindly insist on being treated with respect. You are so worth it. Sending lots of love today xx