2021 snuck up on me like that unpleasant relatives birthday party….. you know the one! It’s the one that no one really wants to attend ….. but we do because we have to and we just sort of hope to enjoy it once we are there! Well that is 2021 to me and here I stand – with a smile plastered in place as I grin and hope for better things.
We have had a flurry of activity over the past few months, so I do apologise for not writing more. Unfortunately, had I written, my heart may have tumbled out of the tips of my fingers and sometimes my honesty is brutal – too brutal for social media. It turned out to be a wonderful thing that I did not write – Instead I spent much time reading and reviving my soul which, truth be told, was sorely in need of a revival!
I feel like 2020 was a professor and her lessons will forever be etched across the pages of my heart. She taught me what it is to let go and that it isn’t necessarily a bad thing either. Life is positively packed full of seasons and things do end. I have never been good with endings – My little romantic heart yearns for “happily ever after” but that is not promised nor is it a given, as much as I still believe it should be! I have been guilty of holding onto things and people far too hard and for far too long in all of the seasons of my life! But hopefully I am learning to do better and to be better.
When my health took a nose dive at the start of 2020, I had to act immediately. When it is life or a tragic ending you must, if you can, change the narrative! My life had to change and change it did. Heart issues can’t be messed about with, so it was important for things to be rearranged. When I had weight loss surgery I didn’t have it with a view to then allow stress and other shitty circumstances to rule me, overtake me and destroy me – but sitting in that hospital bed I found myself a breath from destruction and in that moment everything that mattered came to the forefront and everything else fell away.
2020 was a very cruel teacher but standing on the other end of her I can be grateful, totally grateful for her. I think that one of the most profound lessons has been that hurt changes people. It also taught me that hope can morph your whole life into something else – very very quickly. I woke up again. I woke up the parts of me that had been asleep for years. The parts that my upbringing, religious ideology and fears had silenced. The words of poets, the phrases of writers, the lyrics and tunes of many a song called to me – they breathed life to me. And as I bathed in their afterglow I felt myself wake up! I didn’t just wake up the nice girl, the good girl, the ‘always concerned with what everyone else thinks’ girl – all of me woke. The thing about waking up the parts of you that long slept is that they have boundless energy and unstoppable passion. I won’t go back to living the half dead life that I once did.
I have learned that holding onto past hurts and pains doesn’t do anything except hurt me and so, much like I lost the physical weight – I have made a point of pressing on and losing the weight of emotional baggage that I have carried. I have, without question, comment, or regret, ended associations that took more from my life than they gave, and my life and family is better for it. I am grateful for the second chance. I am thankful for the whisper of hope that scurried through my heart when I allowed myself to be free of the opinions of those that did not truly care for me!! I am grateful that I met myself again as I threw off everything else that had been obscuring me from view. Hope took root in my heart and at that moment as started to breathe – truly breathe. I filled my lungs with enough air to utter all of the promises that I had made to myself and exhaled them in a litanius supplication to God. Raw and totally unmasked – and my life turned around that day.
I couldn’t and wouldn’t go back there – back to being afraid of my own shadow and being voiceless. I refuse to pretend that the lessons that come with passing years are anything other than precious and I refuse to play stupid games.
In short, in 2021 give me the doers of this world. Give me those precious souls that refuse silence, give me the passionate ones, the ones who live with a weather eye on the horizon. The ones who feel hope in their bones and will never let go of it. Give me those who talk of the future and of dreams and plans. I refuse to be around those who belittle and pick apart others – I have no time for that. I am passionately in love with living, with dreaming and with inspiring. People like that – they are my tribe.