Community Violations – Nudity

And now that I have your full attention I want to admit that I recently had a video removed from TikTok because I apparently breeched their community standards – Naughty Little Rule Breaker that I am 🤣🤣🤣🤣!!! So after months and months of ummmmmmmmming and Ahhhhhhhing about if I was going to go ahead and do more skin surgery, I finally came to the conclusions that I need to get rid of the excess tummy skin that I don’t particularly want to stay how I am in the longer term. So, of course, It then seemed to be a good idea to get revision on my tummy, my boobs, side boob and to do my arms because they literally wing like in their awesomeness. The excess skin that I have has improved a little over the last 18 months but all in all, to avoid on going infections and skin tears, I do need to sort it. I never had any intention to do more than I have already done but as time marches on I have realised that the skin hurts, pulls, rips and I don’t think it would be wise to stay this way into my older years.

So I have my surgery date, which is April 28 and I am kind of excited about it. Well I swing between excited and full of anxiety and fear. Most of the time I am excited – It feels like a natural next step now that my weight is stable and I am, for the most part, managing my hypos pretty well. I thought “Hey, I could talk about this on tiktok and had been asked by a LOT of people if I would consider talking about it – So I tried. I did a video and as I said above – it was removed for adult nudity. I checked their nudity terms and I cannot see how it breeches them but meh okay! (I will post the video here so you can check it out and see what you think. Personally I think TikTok is body shaming me as a person with excess skin and they can kiss my saggy arse 🙂

So I guess I will stick to good ole WordPress – Perhaps this is better anyway. My words tend to come out better when they are flowing from my fingers and not from my mouth haha!

When It Isn’t What I Thought!

When I first had weight loss surgery I had a lap band. I can hear it right now, “why the heck did you do that Tash?” Well back in the day, the lap band was “the in thing”. It was going to fix my chubbiness and I was going to be able to finally be the healthy person that I had dreamed about being. In hindsight I rate that decision as one of THE worst decisions of my life. The lap band nearly killed me a couple of times. I had a total gut obstruction – repeat surgeries and complication after complication with it. After my original surgeon refused to remove it I was left wondering what was going to become of me. Thankfully my Gyne at the time took pity on me and he helped me to find a new surgeon who did remove the cursed thing. I feel sick that they are still promoted and that lap band is still performed 😦 … Anyway once that was done I swore off weight loss surgery – FOREVER! I had little children and I decided that I would rather be fat than dead. I had endured MONTHS of complications and hospitalisations and I didn’t want that for my kids, or Steve or my extended family anymore. I wanted my life back, so I decided to just get myself together and it would all be okay.

Fast forward 8 years or so and I was seriously regretting my vow of “NEVER HAVING WEIGHT LOSS SURGERY AGAIN”. I was growing fatter and fatter and had tried everything I knew to try to stop myself from gaining. My weight was tipping the scales up near the 150 kilo mark. Over those 10 years I had gained 70 kilos. I would diet and exercise and lose weight but inevitably the weight would come back – with a vengeance, and I felt like a failure all over again. I was stuck in the most destructive cycle. I was eating to cover my pain, to cope with shitty trauma and to hide from life.

We all have a tipping point. I have found that when I look back my tipping point was when I didn’t fit into the robes at my graduation ceremony for a course I had completed. My god the humiliation was intense. I was so ashamed of myself and on that night – I broke. The next day we increased our health insurance and started saving for me to have weight loss surgery again.

I had NO idea of the things that would unfold in my life once I had the surgery. I could never have predicted the life circumstances that would happen and the ways that I would change.

What I think I have truly learned is that

1. I did not know what moderation was and I had to learn that after my weight loss surgery.

2. I needed help to process past hurts and trauma to be able to learn better ways to deal with comfort eating – I mean professional help from a psychologist!

3. I would gain so much from the process of shedding the weight but I would also lose some things from my life that I didn’t want to lose. I would also learn what it is to be resilient and move on. Life is full of opportunities to learn, grow and move forward or we can stay, stagnate and become bitter.

4. I would become a passionate advocate for health post weight loss surgery.

5. I would, for the first time since I was a little child, feel like I can be myself and not care one jot what others may think of me because I know who and whose I am. It is one thing to say this but it is another thing entirely to believe it with all that you are.

As I was back in the day
Me today

Counting down

Yesterday was one of the most awful days I have had in a very long time. It was a low point – nearly as low as how I felt, oh about two years ago around this time. I was down, feeling unsure of myself, triggered physically as I struggle with my low iron levels and blood sugar and emotionally drained. I let myself get to the place of being totally empty, my tank was depleted and I could feel the crash beginning. I should know better than to burn the candle at both ends but sometimes I just don’t! Having lived the majority of my life as a large person it has been somewhat frustrating to lose so much weight but still be physically limited.

Yesterday, someone I love said something to me while I was in that really down state that made me stop and think. It stopped the ever turning cogs in my brain and broke me just a little bit more. They said “Do you know how to be happy?” Yes I do know how but quite honestly I haven’t much felt like it of recent times. A sadness HAS found its way into my bones and I would be foolish to fail to acknowledge that.

Some topics in my life will ever be off limits in my writing. This is largely the reason I have been unable to write much of late. My broken heart tends to tumble out of my fingertips when I go to pen any type of missive – so to avoid that I avoid writing. For that I do apologise. The 20 drafts sitting in this blog are a testament to my desire to write, but at the same time, highlight to me my inability to adequately express my feelings without over sharing.

At the moment there are two topics that have produced the most broken and profoundly all encompassing pain that I have ever known. When I was in hospital and the doctor was panicking at my blood pressure and pulse – they settled on the term “Broken Heart Syndrome” That has happened twice now. Apparently it is not a myth :/

Thankfully however, this is not a “Woe, is me” Post! Thankfully this is a victory post because in spite of it all I WILL not give up and will continue to put one foot firmly and bravely in front of the other and walk into my future, confident in the knowledge that our best days are ahead. Yes they are different than I wanted them to be. But different isn’t bad – it’s just not what we expected.

So the next step for me is April 28th. I go back in for another lot of plastic surgery. Yes I am excited about this but I am also scared. I think that is natural because I have been through an awful lot physically. But I need to own my body and be honest about the fact that the excess skin that I have is painful and it does hinder me in my life. So I am booked for a revision of my tummy tuck – converting from an ETT to an FDL, revision of my breasts, my arms and side boob revision. I anticipate that my recovery will be 6 weeks. So that’s where things currently are! I will begin documenting that part of my story more and more the closer that we get to the date!