Yesterday was one of the most awful days I have had in a very long time. It was a low point – nearly as low as how I felt, oh about two years ago around this time. I was down, feeling unsure of myself, triggered physically as I struggle with my low iron levels and blood sugar and emotionally drained. I let myself get to the place of being totally empty, my tank was depleted and I could feel the crash beginning. I should know better than to burn the candle at both ends but sometimes I just don’t! Having lived the majority of my life as a large person it has been somewhat frustrating to lose so much weight but still be physically limited.
Yesterday, someone I love said something to me while I was in that really down state that made me stop and think. It stopped the ever turning cogs in my brain and broke me just a little bit more. They said “Do you know how to be happy?” Yes I do know how but quite honestly I haven’t much felt like it of recent times. A sadness HAS found its way into my bones and I would be foolish to fail to acknowledge that.
Some topics in my life will ever be off limits in my writing. This is largely the reason I have been unable to write much of late. My broken heart tends to tumble out of my fingertips when I go to pen any type of missive – so to avoid that I avoid writing. For that I do apologise. The 20 drafts sitting in this blog are a testament to my desire to write, but at the same time, highlight to me my inability to adequately express my feelings without over sharing.
At the moment there are two topics that have produced the most broken and profoundly all encompassing pain that I have ever known. When I was in hospital and the doctor was panicking at my blood pressure and pulse – they settled on the term “Broken Heart Syndrome” That has happened twice now. Apparently it is not a myth
Thankfully however, this is not a “Woe, is me” Post! Thankfully this is a victory post because in spite of it all I WILL not give up and will continue to put one foot firmly and bravely in front of the other and walk into my future, confident in the knowledge that our best days are ahead. Yes they are different than I wanted them to be. But different isn’t bad – it’s just not what we expected.
So the next step for me is April 28th. I go back in for another lot of plastic surgery. Yes I am excited about this but I am also scared. I think that is natural because I have been through an awful lot physically. But I need to own my body and be honest about the fact that the excess skin that I have is painful and it does hinder me in my life. So I am booked for a revision of my tummy tuck – converting from an ETT to an FDL, revision of my breasts, my arms and side boob revision. I anticipate that my recovery will be 6 weeks. So that’s where things currently are! I will begin documenting that part of my story more and more the closer that we get to the date!