Hands up if you know what it is like to feel fear? That visceral, consuming, blood gone from your extremities, hyperventilating kind of fear that leaves you wanting to run – but you can’t run because there is no where to go to escape it.
Well that happened to me on Saturday afternoon. My plastic surgery in September 2019 was filled with problems. (Read back in my blog for info) Well my baby sister had her Tummy tuck last week – and we had just picked my mother up from the airport for a visit – the first time since pre covid times, when the phone rang.
Mum went outside to take the call as we were preparing for my sons 19th birthday party, and it was quite rowdy in the kitchen. When mum walked back into the room I knew that something was wrong and she told me what had happened and that my sister was not okay. I felt that fear – I had spoken with my baby sis right before her surgery and told her not to go towards the light – I guess I was trying to use humour as a coping mechanism to mask my concerns BUT I also had a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anyway as mum was talking to me I tuned out, it felt like she was speaking to me in slow motion and I felt everything about my experience come flooding back.
Hours later my sis was out of surgery again and they had found the source of her bleeding but she remains weakened and will have a longer recovery ahead now. Aaaaaaaand I am meant to have surgery myself in 31 days – and I’m just not sure how I feel about it!
Chronic conditions are hard. They really and truly are. There is no way, looking at me, that someone would know what my body goes through on a daily basis and that is probably a very good thing. I am good at keeping things under wraps. On the surface – yes I am thin but there is nothing else that is easily on display. My physical struggles are not out there for the world to know. On the surface I am fine but when you dig a little bit deeper, and look a little more closely there is a tiredness that comes from the continual fight.
When I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycaemia I was absolutely terrified of what that would mean for me in the long term and if the truth is told … I still am scared of it. Today, once again, I sat in the doctors office, with yet another infection that is a result of massive weight loss and once again I have antibiotics to take and to apply to my body. My blood sugar levels have been incredibly unpredictable again while I have been unwell and I felt very very defeated. I walked into the chemist to have my scripts filled and I just felt lonely. I put my scripts in with the chemist and stood back to wait my turn for them to be filled. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed an elderly gentleman and he hobbled over to me to have a little chat. This happens to me most times when I leave the house, I am not sure why but I really do love talking to old darlings. As he turned to leave he said “thank you for the chat little Darl’en” and I promptly burst into tears in the middle of the pharmacy – talk about embarrassing – but in that moment he sounded like my poppy. That is what he used to call me, either that or little Chicky. By this time the old man was apologising and so was I as I hurried to explain the reason for my tears and also to reassure my friendly chemist that I was, in fact, okay and not totally losing the plot in the middle of his shop.
I paid for my scripts, promptly left and cried all the way home. I cried for the life that I used to have. I cried for the times that I miss and for the way that things were………………..but by the time I got home I was reminding myself that I also have a future ahead of me. Today was hard but giving up hope is harder. I refuse to give up.
When I was obese I always felt like I WAS the elephant in every room that I went into. I spent my whole life kind of wishing myself smaller so that I took up less space. My dream was to go through life and not be noticed at all. When you are a large person, you know that people are looking and you absolutely know that you are being judged. I am not yet used to being smaller, even though it has now been a couple of years since my weight loss journey began.
My life is so very different from how it once was! but that has really come at a price. When I was 100 kilos heavier my life was limited. I was usually the largest person in any room, I felt self conscious and uncomfortable in my own body. Now, oh now how different my life is!
I love gardening. I always have. Our first property had extensive gardens and I have retained my love of them as the years have passed. I love the seasonal nature of gardens and I adore that plants grow well if you give them the right things to do the job and if you have them in the right place. I learned this lesson a few times over during iso with my house plants. A few of my beloved green souls were lost because I didn’t get their location right and probably loved them a bit too hard with the water.
Anyway I was reading an article online about plant health and pruning which made me think about my life. I have recently pruned my life. Actually, I have done some very heavy duty pruning of my life for a couple of years now. I HATE pruning. It’s hard to choose which bits need to go and it’s hard to imagine what the plant may look like minus some of its current bits! However, cutting off the dead parts allows new things to grow. I wish it wasn’t like that but it is and it’s that simple.
Pruning for plant health focuses on removing dead, dying and diseased branches, branches that rub together and any branch stubs so the entire tree continues to grow in a healthy way.
In order to grow in a healthy way I will unapologetically prune myself of my old thoughts and ways that no longer serve me. I won’t keep myself entrenched in the same old things just hoping that everyone and everything else will change. No, that is not healthy – I will look at myself and move forward and change the things in me that need to be adjusted.
A very dear friend, that I love and who I know, without a doubt, loves me and has the permission to give me a telling off here and there said this to me a year ago – “ we are the common denominator in our own circumstances” and oh how that resonated with me. If I didn’t like what I was experiencing then I had to change it. If I wanted to have better health then I had to change it! If I wanted to be able to grow in my work life then I had to make changes. If I wanted to find peace in my own heart over some really sad issues then I had to make choices and I have. I have pruned, closed a chapter or however one terms it but the exciting thing is that brand new pages in this story are unfolding right before my eyes and honestly the best is yet to be!