Day: June 7, 2021

I want to be writing a wonderful post about how fabulous I feel. But it is unfortunate that I am not yet able to do so. I have had a couple of days of feeling okay in these past few weeks, but overwhelmingly life has been quite painful. . My body hurts and a lot of that is just simply swelling in various places that are still swollen from surgery. I don’t want to feel like this but the fact is – I do!

Recovery has been complicated. I think, to be honest, that is just what happens after surgery 🤷🏼‍♀️. Recovery is long, arduous and when you happen to have a snap covid lock down in the middle of it …. well it takes the fun out of everything – if there was any there to begin with. Obviously all is not woe is me! There has been wonderful moments and I am thankful for all of those.

I can be totally transparent here and say that I don’t think I have ever tried so hard to do nothing at all in my life. It goes against my nature as a person but there we have it, I have been, or at least feel like I have been a sloth! I don’t do well doing nothing. It’s the sitting about the house for days on end, watching dust gather or looking at the shower screens knowing that they need cleaning, that truly gets to me! I bore easily and I hate feeling like I am not contributing in some way to the running of my household. Now, at 5 weeks post op I can contribute more than I was – however my body is sore.

My stomach incisions are beautifully healed and I couldn’t ask for better. I will probably have a small amount of excess skin again in time and I am sure that my mons will sag once again but hey – I’m 44 years old. I have had 5 kids and lived a life so my body is doing it’s best. I am thankful that I have not had any wound break downs and I am thankful that my body feels more able to do the things I require of it on a day to day basis now that I have less skin hanging from me. My right arm is great too. All healed and doing well. My left arm, however, has been painful from the very first day. I wondered about it from the day of my surgery – the drain that was in it in hospital never produced much of anything and yet it was extremely sore and tight and painful. That feeling has persisted for 5 weeks. I have not particularly made much of a drama about it but WOW – PAIN!!!

SOOOOOOOoooooooooo last Monday when I woke up my arm was double its usual size and that felt like it was probably something that I should tell my surgeon. I had no reply until very late on Thursday afternoon as his nurse was on days off. In any case I had to have an emergency scan on Friday to rule out blood clots. Thankfully I was clot free but not drama free. I have once again made some seromas. This time I have two, both in my left arm. Both where I have had intense pain from the very start of this process. Thankfully I was not imagining it or overreacting – years and years of having ones concerns brushed aside as a big person still linger and scratch away at the corners of my thoughts. My Surgeon was in theatre on Friday afternoon so nothing could happen then and was away in a different area today so nothing could happen today but I am going in to see him in his rooms tomorrow morning. So I suppose we will see how things play out. I have become good at speaking up for myself and making it known what I will and won’t be okay with.

Emotionally the last few weeks have been very tough. Honestly I fell into a bit of a hard time because a couple of my children just did not cope with me having surgery again. Truthfully they have been through hell over the past year. There has been situations that children should never have to endure and I am just thankful for the resilience the kids continue to show. However, even though things seemed okay for me to go in for surgery, it was just one thing too much. For the anxiety that I added to their lives, I will always be sorry. I am just thankful that everyone is now in a good place and happily moving forward. Incredible things are happening.

I am thankful for the goodbyes in my life over the last 12 months. On a personal note – if you have ever called my mother names, spoken to her with disrespect or broken her heart, just stop reading my blog and leave us all alone. And yes, I 💯 mean it from the bottom of my icy heart.

Identity – It’s who we are right? It is woven into the fabric of our lives. For me, well my identity has been a complex evolution over the last few years. I feel like I was content with who I was for a very long time. I totally identified with so many limiting beliefs that I had placed around my own life. I pigeonholed myself and put myself into a box and it took me nearly 2 decades to realise that it was okay to want things for myself. It took me nearly two decades to say “It is time for me to step into what I want for my own life.” Allow me to explain.

I have been very very fortunate. I have a deeply loved, authentically genuine family. I wanted things for my children, for my husband, for my parents, my siblings, etc. I lived my life to achieve that end and I hoped to please everyone. I lived my days to do the things that I felt would add up to a good life. I approached everything, my relationships, my health, my financial future and work with all of the naivety that my young soul possessed. I jumped, head long into the adult world and I believed that I was ready. I was thoroughly convinced that the belief system I had placed around me would serve me well. I was convinced that my values were in line with what would lead to a good and happy life. Even when things didn’t seem to work, I would hold, unswervingly to the things that I believed to be true. I did not question things, that wasn’t encouraged. That questioning was a lack of faith. To question was to be hiding a rebellious heart and that would lead to more problems. So further and further into brokenness I fell.

Lets be clear about something – I don’t blame any one person or thing for finding myself in the state that I was in. I accept responsibility for my own life and the choices that I have made. I have been asked over and over again “have I lost my faith” – “what do I believe now” and other questions like that. Well if there is a need to ask that then you don’t know me and I don’t wish to answer 🙂 But there are certain things about me that have shifted in massive, life shaking and dramatic ways.

Thankfully there ARE some things that are true and that I will

I now question things, okay okay….. now I question everything. I constantly seek to learn more, to understand things better and to be a better version of the person that I am today. I have let go of things that I didn’t want to let go of, my life has shifted in a dramatic way and I choose to be thankful.

Right now I am sitting on my bed thinking of my grandparents. Fondly remembering the love and kindness that they showed to me and to others throughout their lives. There has been a shitstorm take place in our family over the past year and changes have happened that will never be undone. They will never be undone because I don’t want them to be and I have zero regrets about that. I have learned to walk away. My heart is thankful for the memories that live on in my heart. For the time that I spent. For the things that no one can take that are tucked away in my heart. They are good and happy things.

Plastic surgery caused me to consider how I want to live my life going forward. Who I am and how I want to interact with the world. It has changed my life once again. I couldn’t be more thankful even if I tried. I am so very humbled and grateful for the opportunities I have had to make a better tomorrow.