Page 16 of 17

GOALS

I don’t know if I can do it but I am putting this goal out there!!

Goal 1 to crack the 100kg mark before our wedding anniversary in August. We are going away for a sneaky weekend together ALONE 😉😍♥️😍 8 more kilos off to hit that goal.

Goal 2 to be 80 kilos by Christmas 

Goal 3 to be 65 kilos by my birthday next March! 

Then to start planning my abdominoplasty with Mister Ian Holten for September 2019

This was my first meal of soft/non blended food! 1 egg, 1 tablespoon of chicken stew and 1 teaspoon of cheese. I ate 1/2 of it so that was 1/4 of a cup but hey I kept it down!

I have learned a lot in the last few weeks and one of the main things is that it takes a village – and I am so thankful to mine. I have been out of action for three and a half weeks – the duration of the school holidays. We warned the kids that these were going to be boring holidays. We told them that we wouldn’t be able to do much and that we would be spending most of our time at home. That is exactly what we have done and I know it has been boring for the kids but they really haven’t complained, have helped around the house and have generally been really understanding. I appreciate all that they have done for me.

Day 16 Post Op – HANGRY

Day 16 Post Op – in a bad mood 😑 Am I just Hangry? Is this my inner bitch breaking free of her pain induced silence? Could it be that I miss food? I suspect it has to do with struggling to eat much of anything and a bit of a blood sugar drop. Or at least this is what I am telling myself! I Only managed about a 1/3 of a cup of tomato soup for lunch and 1/2 cup of pumpkin purée with Kefir for dinner. I’ll try some protein powder in Kefir in a little while.

You know I’m not generally a procrastinator but I can be from time to time. I was a huge procrastinator when it came to dealing with the weight issue! I really wanted to pull the pin on the whole thing and eat a big burger or 3 the night before 🤭 – Oh food my love, how I miss you and the way that you warmly caressed my insides as you slid down into my plenteous belly hahaha!

In all seriousness though – I am glad that I went through with gastric bypass and I have just started looking in to the next phase. The fixing of the stomach – the removal of the mesh and removal of what I am guessing is going to be a whole LOT of loose skin! I guess now is the time to mention that I may need to sell my own soul to pay for it 😩 I got a quote from the specialist that I want to use today and it’s not going to be a cheap or easy fix!!

Day 15 Post Op

Day 15 post op – I woke up this morning pretty sure that I could take on the world, then I tried to roll over 😳 ugh not for the faint of heart when you just had your insides chopped and changed and a few bits fixed that you didn’t know needed fixing. I wandered into the bathroom and stumbled onto the scales, to discover that I am 20kg down from my highest weight. Wah ….. like actually “What The Heck” I am now the lightest weight that I have been since Lincoln was 6 months old. I am not gonna lie, I did a little victory dance right then and there – the dog popped his head around the corner of the bathroom and clearly decided that it was all too weird for him, so he left me to my celebration. That celebration was short lived however, as I tried to decide how I would consume 60 grams of protein a day. This is the amount that the surgeon wants me to eat. I am limiting carbs. 

So these are the things that I can currently eat each day and I can have approximately 1/3 of a cup in total at one time. I am to eat three times a day. 

There is 10grams of protein in 100 grams of scrambled egg – at the moment so could possibly eat 50 grams of it. 

There is 14grams of protein in 1/2 a cup of cottage cheese. At the moment I can eat about 1/3 of a cup

There is 4grams of protein in 1/2 a cup of hummus

There is 6 grams of protein in 1/2 a cup of Kefir. 

Obviously, without a protein powder I am NOT reaching 60 grams of Protein a day – soooooooo now I must delve into the scary world of protein supplements 😳 and also find one that is gluten free and that is not a meal replacement as that has too many calories. 

A few people have congratulated me on taking the easy way to deal with my weight 😑 I politely perform a rude hand gesture to them in my mind as they spout their ill-advised dribble in my direction. The facts are, there is never going to be an easy way out for me. Because I have abused my body in the past with long periods of starvation, my body thinks it’s fun to hold on to it’s fat. Without enough protein going in, my body could do that again. So at the moment we have to work out how to get my fat cells to give up their plentious bounty 😂 Telling my fat to be gone doesn’t work (I’ve begged it to bugger off in the past)

I am going to have fun for the next few weeks working out how to eat enough of everything. I see the dietitian on Friday – I know that she is a well learned young lady but she also told me that I should have benefiber – which is made of wheat…. she also knows that I have Coeliac so I have decided that I have to check and double check everything she says. In the mean time give me your proteiny ideas xx

Surgical Follow up

Surgical follow up appointment today at 4:30 😊 and I am hoping that I get approval to drive again. In the mean time I have been making a list of things that I am looking forward to doing. 

1. Sitting in a cinema seat and not touching any part of the armrest 

2. Travelling on a plane and not feeling stressed about the seatbelt fitting me

3. Buying AND wearing a swimsuit 

4. Taking a regular barre class 

5. Walking into any shop I want and being able to fit into anything that I see and like

6. Eating out and not being terrified of sitting in a booth

7. Working out at the gym without drawing the scornful looks and insults of the fat haters in attendance 

8. Changing careers 

9. Going jogging with my boys

Food Nom Nom Nom

I wasn’t 100% sure about sharing this part of my journey but meh – I have been open about everything else so here goes. 

Food has been a bit of a friend to me, albeit a bad friend. Food was something that I turned to in times of stress or anxiety. Most of us now know and acknowledge the chemical response in the body to food. That calming sense of well-being became a friend to me as a child when things happened to me that were beyond my control. Yes years later I confronted my abuser, but the abuse that I have inflicted upon myself – triggered by the past – has become my lifelong fight. 

I was anorexic by the age of 11 and by the time I was 14 I had developed bulimia. I haven’t had a bulimic episode for about 10 years now. The thoughts have still come from time to time but there is a huge difference between thinking of something and acting on it.

Do you know that gastric bypass is not a cure all – it is possible to stay fat, gain weight and make poor food choices after bypass? For the rest of my life I have to knowingly and thoughtfully make good choices. Slider foods are real – they are things that you can eat that will go down easily and are not good for you. I seem to have little to no restriction when it comes to drinking so I am fairly sure that it would be possible for me to make poor choices if I wanted to but I don’t want to because I have realised a lot about myself over the past two or three years! When your substance of choice is one that is needed to keep you alive ….. well it isn’t like you can just quit it! It becomes complex dealing with a food addiction, BUT I know that it is different for me this time around. I know that I am different this time. 

At 41 I have finally come to grips with the things that have happened to me and I am comfortable in my own skin. I have decided that while I remain imperfect and flawed, this doesn’t mean have less value – this would seem a simple lesson – but when you are filled with a sense of self loathing it is not that easy to see clearly! For me, suddenly the fog lifted and for the first time in so many years I am happy to make choices for my own good and I am grateful for all of the changes that have happened in my life. 

The next thing is a change of direction work wise and then returning to my passions. I am going to be working on my fitness and once I hit a certain weight I am starting back taking adult dance classes again. For no reason other than I miss it so much. In other words – I feel like I am waking up from a long long sleep. Returning to the things I love and being kind to myself for a change. This is the difference that hope makes, it is the reason that I WILL celebrate each milestone because I am beating a lifelong addiction one day at a time. #gastricbypass #onedayatatime

Progress and other things!

Dinner tonight was 4 teaspoons of yoghurt 😕 I might try to have another 1/3 of a cup of protein shake in a little while – struggling to get the food down today and I think it is that the texture is a little thicker as set out in my info from the dietitian.

I can turn around inside my jacket even with 3 layers on under it. . . I am still trying to wrap my head around that! I know how it has happened but I honestly don’t have enough ways to be grateful for how much different I am already feeling. My tummy is still swollen, I still have a stubborn wound that doesn’t want to heal and I still feel beyond tired at times but my knees aren’t aching as much, my clothes are kind of falling off and I am starting to imagine going to the gym again, running again, wearing shorts again – living again.

Hope sure is a wonderful thing and I can feel it growing in my heart. Is it possible that I will actually be successful in my endeavour to loose a large portion of my excess self? Unfortunately however, something has turned my stomach today so it looks like I shall be glued to the loo. The only something I have had is a third of a protein shake!! There are upsides even in this situation – I am sure I’ll be down another kilo by tomorrow 🤔

Tonight it’s hard to sleep. Years ago – back when the mesh first went in to my stomach, there was a period of 18 months when I spent nearly half of my time in hospital due to complications. I don’t talk about that time very much and I won’t break with that fine tradition, except to say that one of the lingering things from that season in my life is allergies. I was exposed to soooooooooooo much tape that my skin developed a total intolerance to it. I had hoped that enough time had passed and that using dressings that are supposed to be fine for people with tape allergies would make all the difference – but I was wrong. I started to itch badly on the second day after the surgery and now I have angry red welts on my stomach. Not fun! I am a little concerned about what is going on with me. I don’t feel 100% right 😦

Day 10 Post Op

Day 10 post op – today was very cold here and thankfully it was a beautiful, slow day for us. I am still having problems with one of my surgical wounds – it doesn’t want to stay shut and keeps bleeding so I didn’t go for a walk yesterday. Today the wound hasn’t actively bled so I went for a very little walk with Steve this afternoon. It was so nice to get out of the house! Fresh air freak here! It is good for the soul and oh how I love to see the way that fallen leaves rush by me as they are carried around by the breeze. It’s good to be alive! I am grateful.

Today I feel like a H2O LIVING LEGEND!!! I have managed to have 1.5 ltr s of water since I started sipping away at it this morning. Breakfast and lunch were the same – 1/3 of a cup of protein shake. For dinner I mashed half a small avocado with two teaspoons of hummus and 1 teaspoon of cottage cheese. I ate about 2/3 of it. This is the thickest consistency of food that I have had and it went down and stayed down 🤩

Day 9 Post Op

Day 9 post op – Mum left early this morning 😥 I know that I will be fine but it all feels a bit overwhelming right at this moment. The last two nights have been rough. I have a wound that does not wish to play nicely and keeps bleeding. Obviously I am moving too much at night because I woke up feeling sore and I bled through my dressing. I’ve cleaned myself up now with new steri strips and a new dressing. I am down another kilo so yay for that! 

This morning I forgot that I really need to wait a few weeks before I start trying to perform much cleaning – Oops 😔 I am not allowed to do any lifting for 4-6 weeks because of my prior history of hernia and how many previous surgeries I have had. I may need to write myself some reminder notes because it’s easy to forget. 

This morning I had a protein shake for breakfast – I am able to have about 1/3 of an optifast sachet so that’s not too bad. My gorgeous boys have vacuumed the house and dusted while I have been told to get back to bed which I think I will ignore. I have done a few laps around the inside of the house today and Steve said he will come with me to go for a little walk later this afternoon. I can’t go too far just yet and I am not going to lie, it really is an adjustment to get used to the amount of calories that I now consume in a day. I don’t want to get dizzy and fall on my face so I will just take things slow 🙂 #gastricbypass

Puree

Purée phase – hmmmm in my usual blunt and honest style I am going to attempt to unpack how I feel about this. I know that I can’t stay on fluids as I will end up deficient in essential vitamins and minerals (Gastric Bypass already causes malabsorption) but I can fully understand why people can get stuck on this phase when they are post bypass. It feels like the purée sat in my stomach for a long time even though I know that is not possible. It wasn’t uncomfortable but it didn’t feel great either. Yesterday I had one purée meal and I was not particularly hungry for the rest of the day. It felt odd to eat something that is a thicker consistency. My dietitian has said that I am not allowed to be on my fluid diet for longer than a day or two more so hopefully when I eat my purée lunch today it will be a better experience. But pretty much – purée sucks 

Another side effect of gastric bypass is hair loss – this charming side effect does not stay around forever but it is something that I am dealing with already. Plus side – it’s winter and cold enough in geelong to live in beanies 😂 but I have a husband that has always preferred my hair to be long. It’s a preference and not something that he has mentioned for a long long time, probably 15 years – but my 5 Jarrett boys will find shorter hair to be strange on me. If I am very honest so will I, because there is a strong chance that I will need to get the chop 😭

My skin is already starting to feel squishy – it’s only 8 days since surgery but the 17 kilos that have gone have left me feeling nowhere near as firm as I did 😕 it’s strange to feel squishy. The boys have taken to calling me Dory – if you don’t get it then you need to watch finding Nemo!! I suppose a very positive thing is that my knees are hurting less and I haven’t been brought to my knees in tears because of mesh pain since the surgeon removed the adhesions to the mesh while he was in there doing the bypass! 

Today is the last day that Mum will be here 😭 I know that I will be fine but I will miss her and so will Steve and the kids.

Day 7 Post Op

Day 7 post op – Just a quick update you guys! Woohoo for the start of the purée phase that I will be having for the next two weeks. I made myself a beef casserole that I have puréed so that seemed like the place to start! I was legitimately terrified but watered it down a bit further and managed to get about 1/3 of a cup down or a bit less. It has stayed down!! No vomiting so that is a great thing indeed.