Self Talk

Today I have been thinking about my inner fat girl – can I be brutally honest and just say that she has been that part of my self talk that has screamed the loudest over the years. I am not at all ashamed of her or the way that she perceived life. It’s the part of me that was rejected for a major performing opportunity unless I lost weight – rejected in front of hundreds of people and it was 16 kilos I had to loose ……….. I was 10 years old. 

It’s the part of me that did loose that weight and then ended up with anorexia and then bulimia. The bulimia I went on to suffer from until I was 34 years old. It’s the part of me that couldn’t believe it when Steve fell for me! And then the rumours started about why we were getting married – No I wasn’t pregnant – I was just not thin! 

It’s the part of me that would always come up with a way to blame my size for missed opportunities, and forgotten dreams. The part of me that was terrified of rejection so it was easier to not put myself out there. 

This journey has taught me that I CAN drown her out without eating a single thing! I am hoping that the further along we go, the quieter her voice will become! What would my life be like if I really believed in myself? What would yours be like? Anyway that’s my constant question these days and the more I ask it the quieter the self deprecating voice has become!! 😁

And I posted this picture because I have to remind myself that I am no longer the chic in the black dress! When I opened this shirt today (I got it with an order I did for the boys) I picked it up, looked at it and decided then and there that it wasn’t going to fit. It looked like it was too small and perhaps I would try it again in a few weeks time. But then I remembered that part of me that I didn’t want to listen to was firmly in control of what I was thinking. I ripped the tags off and put the shirt on and it fit! A shirt from a non plus size shop fit me. It’s a good feeling 🤗

Weight loss and Marriage

Someone asked me if weight loss surgery has affected or can affect marriage. So I am going to throw my thoughts out there! And this is A looooooong post!!! The short answer is yes! Of course it impacts marriage. Watching your spouse transform before your eyes has all kinds of possible outcomes but I am not worried about our outcomes at all and here is why!

I’ve been married for a really long time! I was 18 when we said “I do” And that is now a lifetime ago – 23 years ago this coming Sunday. I have been a “Jarrett” 5 years longer than I was a Verner. We have journeyed through some of the most spectacular joys together. Our 5 children, our friends and families, homes we have owned, investments we have had, business we have worked together, a shared faith and a sense of purpose often kept us focused on the great things. Steve is a funny guy to be partnered up with, so we have had a lot of fun and laughs along the way. 

But the thing about life and about sharing your journey with others is that things are not always fantastic. We have not had one of those argument free marriages!! Haha ….. I laugh just thinking about this because we are both snarky people at times, so it would be impossible for us to never disagree, and equally as impossible for me to write some BS that we live fight free! When you marry as young as I was, you finish growing up alongside the person you have married. I am thankful for Steve full stop! However, there are regrets that we have let each other down and hurt each other over the years. In all kinds of ways. Thankfully we are good at forgiving and at accepting that we are going to grow and change and I think that is probably why this weight loss journey isn’t a lot harder on our marriage. We do accept each other how we are, with the full knowledge that we will change!

My weight has always been an issue to me but it has never been one to Stephen. I feel like it is an area that I have let him down in. Please understand that this is absolutely not a needy cry for attention or to be told that I am wonderful and gorgeous and my weight shouldn’t be an issue – it is how I have felt and it’s not up for negotiation. These are the silent “fat girl” thoughts that I have lived with for nearly two decades, and true or not true, I own them because if I don’t acknowledge that something has been in my life, how do I walk free of it!!! 

I know that I am far from being the most unattractive woman on the planet but I wanted to be certain things for myself and my husband physically and I have been, but then the dreaded fat would come back! He has never said anything about my size and NEVER would – it’s how I have felt. However, he has always been the sweetheart that he is, which at times I have struggled to understand. How can someone else love and accept things in you that you really dislike about yourself?? The first hint of the kind of man that I had married came when I was in labour with our first born. 

I remember loosing 20 kilos overnight. And I looked horrendous lol!! I stood in front of the mirror in that hospital bathroom, contracting and exhausted, with a stomach that looked like it had been popped with a pin, hanging in front of me. No one told me what I would look like after my waters had broken and I was horrified! It wasn’t enough to have boobs that were larger than 2 babies heads on each side, a brown line up my belly, hormone patches under my eyes and so many stretch marks……….now my belly was just hanging there………. 19 years old with a skin apron 😑 !!! GREAT !!! Steve came up behind me, shower nozzle in hand and as if he had read my thoughts said, “you know I still love you? You know I will always love you.” I cried, but hey what was he going to say when I was about to give birth to his first born! Seriously though, he meant it! All these years later, he still means it – he still loves me. 

Of course I was excited for our baby, but I was wondering how things would ever go back to the way they were!! Steve was always reassuring but things never did go back to exactly how they were and over time I was totally good with all of that. I came to accept a skin apron, wind sock boobies and stretch marks of epic proportions. I didn’t love them, but they were part of the story of my life. As the years passed, I accepted myself but I still, in the deepest parts of my heart, wanted to rid myself of the excess weight. I tried, my god, I tried so damn hard.

4 more beautiful children came along, 4 ceasers. Yes I wish I had been able to pop them out the ole fashioned way but I couldn’t. (As the years have gone by, I have learned to be grateful for saving my lady parts that trauma 😉) And still my weight has always been an issue!!! It caused me to hold back in so many ways and feel “not good enough” for Steve and “sorry for my kids” because I wasn’t and haven’t been the kind of Mum that I pictured myself being. 

This turn around journey has been incredibly personal one. This is my “come back” story and I share the things that I do because I know what it is like to be alone with my thoughts of inadequacy and self doubt. It’s okay to have weak moments and it’s okay to not be travelling so well from time to time and I believe it’s important to talk all about all of that! Today I have shared about wearing my wedding ring. Not wearing it for the last 15 years has been something that I thought about on a daily basis because Stephen NEVER takes his off. Every time he comes through the front door and hugs me “hello” I see that he is wearing his. Every time we tuck our children into bed, I see he is wearing his. Every day he has that ring on his finger. I put it there 23 years ago and it means something to us. It has caused me a lot of pain in my heart that I couldn’t wear mine. Today that pain is gone!!! That’s a big deal to me and for us! I know it doesn’t make me any more or less married but it means something to Steve to see me wearing it. 

You see I have never been a traditionally romantic kind of girl. I find being made a cup of tea and left to read in peace is one of the most romantic gestures of all 😂🙌🏻🤣 Don’t bring me flowers and chocolates, clean the kitchen or put a load of washing on for me 🙌🏻 now that is romance ♥️ Please don’t watch romantic, soppy movies with me too often – once or twice a year is enough! And walking along holding my small hand in his big bear mit is a crushing kind of experience so we are good just walking side by side! But don’t ever ever doubt the love I have for that man or what I am willing to go through for him. 

Making each other’s lives easier is how we show love. Being there when it’s hard to be, refusing to back off when one of us is being horrendous, explaining each other to our kids when there are misunderstandings, knowing each other’s moods – when to speak and when to head for the hills! I make him laugh and he makes me frustrated, we support each other and somehow it works. It just does. I am thankful that Steve has given me the opportunity to have this surgery. I know he wants me to achieve all of my dreams for my life and not be held back anymore. Who wouldn’t love a man like that. So does weight loss surgery affect marriage – yes it does, but like anything in life – We decide how the changes play out. That cheeky smile doesn’t hurt either 😜 #WLS #gastricbypass

Planet Fatty

Its day Blah Blah after both of the ….. actually let’s just say it’s Wednesday! Happy hump day folks. All I want to do is sleep today. And clearly I am over the word “surgery” don’t even whisper it to me – it honestly feels like you are screaming get f*&^$% right in my face😩!!! Last night my large gallbladder wound decided it would be a great idea to swell up a little more and hurt so that was uncomfortable and kept me awake! 

Today I am giving my water bottle the stink eye – H2Overrated! I don’t want to “sip sip sip” every few minutes! The dietitian makes it sound easy to drink 2L a day. Yes okay tiny little person, who studied at university, to assist me, a member of planet fatty, to join your thin crew. I will just “sip sip sip” the water away. How I managed to withhold my sarcasm and not say “SCREW your SIP SIP SIP” I will never know!! Like most things – sip sip sip is easier said than done. I can drink 50ml at a time 😑 

35 kilos down now. Still keen to crack the 100kilo mark in the next 2.5 weeks – and also to feel a lot better by then! Steve and I are going away for a weekend together 😍 for our 23rd wedding anniversary.  

So everyone, I need to find something to do for a few days while I am still taking it easy! I need suggestions – not reading – I have read so much lately that my head could explode!

The errant Gallbladder!

5 weeks today since gastric bypass. What a journey it has been. I should be excitedly getting ready to go back to work next week but instead I am now in the early days of recovering from yet another surgery. So what happened?

Two weeks post bypass I started experiencing pain in my right side and around towards my back. It wasn’t really something that I had never felt before and because so many parts of me were sore I thought it best to just ignore it and not be a panic merchant. 

My history with weight loss surgery prior to the bypass was not great. Nerves and anxiety have been my daily and unfortunately nightly companions in the lead up to and since the bypass. The very last thing that I wanted was to contemplate that something may have been wrong. Two more weeks pass and I noticed that I was finding it hard to stand for any length of time. The pain in my right side felt worse, not better and my back continued to ache. 

I reluctantly made an appointment with the GP last Tuesday and was sent for immediate X-rays and ultrasound of the area. Wednesday we had the results. My gallbladder was filled, not with stones, with sludge and had thickened and was extremely inflamed. So antibiotics would surely do the trick right? Well I started taking them and OMG. I can’t really explain what happened except that my body responded differently to how it used to. What was once a sensitivity to antibiotics turned into pooing 18-20 times a day. I stopped taking the antibiotics but by then it was too late. 

Thursday morning I arrived to the hospital, at 8:30 am dehydrated and in agony. My weight loss surgeon and surgical specialist was out of the country, so another surgeon, (Mister George K) whom I had already met was called. He called in the infectious disease specialist doctor to try and work out what was going on with my bowel. Was it gastro, an infection, a bacteria, colitis? They called George at 10:30, by 11:00 George had arrived and was standing in the room as I was wheeled out of the CT scan! Yay for my hero Dr. George!! He told me that they were going to have to take out my gallbladder and try to work out what had caused the bowel to be like it was. 

There was no way for me to stay hydrated while going to the toilet so much so I had to have IV fluids and they started treating me for a bacteria that could have been in my bowel. Thankfully it wasn’t that bacteria! But it still meant 3 days on antibiotics that made me sick and, I am still not 100% right in the number 2’s department but at least it’s not 18-20 times a day now. 

What I have realised through this is how important it is to be well hydrated. I didn’t realise how much easier it would be for my body to become dangerously low on fluid post bypass. I am, in comparison to many, very lucky with how much I am able to drink!! 

I also have to face the fact that antibiotics may be problematic for me in the future and getting the balance right for that will be a process of trial and error. I hate trial and error. The antibiotics from the GP for the gallbladder triggered the bowel episode 😞 and I can tell you I never ever want to go through that again. 

I am recovering well, but it wasn’t simple or straight forward. The surgery has caused tummy swelling which has put pressure on my new tummy and made it so that my amounts of food are tiny again. Tiny means three teaspoons and I am full. So I will have to build that back up again and that is important because we don’t want the opening in my tummy to narrow from lack of appropriate food. In short, it’s been hard. I have no doubt that I’ll be fine but nothing about this has been easy.

Werribee Zoo

The things we do for love! I feel like crap and I really can’t walk for too long without extreme pain BUT these kids deserve a day out so even if I can’t do a full day – I will do half a day and then go to the doctor for my results this afternoon.

GALLBLADDER = EVIL

It turns out that it wasn’t in my head, I find out tomorrow if I am heading back to the operating theatre. Doctor and then ultrasound and X-ray this afternoon ☹️ My gallbladder is not okay right now. This can happen after Gastric Bypass and massive, rapid weight loss. I am hoping that surgical intervention can be avoided but I will do what the specialist says. Obviously this is not what I wanted and even more obviously this is not what we needed as a family.

4 Weeks Tomorrow!!

Dah da da daaaaaaaaah!!! 4 weeks tomorrow, four weeks tomorrow!! I love that each day that passes is a day further away from when I had surgery. Aaaaand its a day closer to being back at full capacity!! The wretched pain of yesterday is no where near as terrible today! I am still calling the doctor tomorrow concerning the pain I have had because there is a family history of gallbladder issues and Gastric Bypass can sometimes be a catalyst for issues. I am not looking for anything like that but it’s best to be safe. 

This weekend has been really great. I have spent time with my family. Loved on my kids, and just generally enjoyed a nice slow pace. Tonight we caught up on a TV show together as a family that we haven’t watched for months. Just a normal weekend ♥️ and it feels good to be getting back to life. 

I haven’t had a great eating day today. I had a gluten free up and go for breakfast, which did not sit right and caused me to reach for a zofran (anti nausea medication) I tried to have tuna at lunch – big big mistake!!! Tuna = EVIL and made me feel worse than the up and go. I am not sure how to describe to you what it feels like to have had gastric bypass because there is nothing that I can really use as something that is equivelant to the pain of a good not agreeing with me. I suppose it is something like the very worst heartburn you could ever have and feeling like you are experiencing something like a heart attack. It is enough to turn me off eating whatever it was that induced the feeling. I am grateful that I have not experienced any dumping which can also accompany gastric bypass – but then I have not eaten anything that is high in fat or sugar because I really hate being sick. 

Tonight however, was fab! Steve cooked and made a slow cooked chicken dish and it was perfect. I added a dry fried egg to mine and a piece of chicken about half the size of my thumb but I ate it and I had no adverse side effects! Hooray! Right now I am getting ready for bed. Because I am taking my boys out tomorrow ♥️

GOALS

I don’t know if I can do it but I am putting this goal out there!!

Goal 1 to crack the 100kg mark before our wedding anniversary in August. We are going away for a sneaky weekend together ALONE 😉😍♥️😍 8 more kilos off to hit that goal.

Goal 2 to be 80 kilos by Christmas 

Goal 3 to be 65 kilos by my birthday next March! 

Then to start planning my abdominoplasty with Mister Ian Holten for September 2019

This was my first meal of soft/non blended food! 1 egg, 1 tablespoon of chicken stew and 1 teaspoon of cheese. I ate 1/2 of it so that was 1/4 of a cup but hey I kept it down!

I have learned a lot in the last few weeks and one of the main things is that it takes a village – and I am so thankful to mine. I have been out of action for three and a half weeks – the duration of the school holidays. We warned the kids that these were going to be boring holidays. We told them that we wouldn’t be able to do much and that we would be spending most of our time at home. That is exactly what we have done and I know it has been boring for the kids but they really haven’t complained, have helped around the house and have generally been really understanding. I appreciate all that they have done for me.

Day 16 Post Op – HANGRY

Day 16 Post Op – in a bad mood 😑 Am I just Hangry? Is this my inner bitch breaking free of her pain induced silence? Could it be that I miss food? I suspect it has to do with struggling to eat much of anything and a bit of a blood sugar drop. Or at least this is what I am telling myself! I Only managed about a 1/3 of a cup of tomato soup for lunch and 1/2 cup of pumpkin purée with Kefir for dinner. I’ll try some protein powder in Kefir in a little while.

You know I’m not generally a procrastinator but I can be from time to time. I was a huge procrastinator when it came to dealing with the weight issue! I really wanted to pull the pin on the whole thing and eat a big burger or 3 the night before 🤭 – Oh food my love, how I miss you and the way that you warmly caressed my insides as you slid down into my plenteous belly hahaha!

In all seriousness though – I am glad that I went through with gastric bypass and I have just started looking in to the next phase. The fixing of the stomach – the removal of the mesh and removal of what I am guessing is going to be a whole LOT of loose skin! I guess now is the time to mention that I may need to sell my own soul to pay for it 😩 I got a quote from the specialist that I want to use today and it’s not going to be a cheap or easy fix!!

Day 15 Post Op

Day 15 post op – I woke up this morning pretty sure that I could take on the world, then I tried to roll over 😳 ugh not for the faint of heart when you just had your insides chopped and changed and a few bits fixed that you didn’t know needed fixing. I wandered into the bathroom and stumbled onto the scales, to discover that I am 20kg down from my highest weight. Wah ….. like actually “What The Heck” I am now the lightest weight that I have been since Lincoln was 6 months old. I am not gonna lie, I did a little victory dance right then and there – the dog popped his head around the corner of the bathroom and clearly decided that it was all too weird for him, so he left me to my celebration. That celebration was short lived however, as I tried to decide how I would consume 60 grams of protein a day. This is the amount that the surgeon wants me to eat. I am limiting carbs. 

So these are the things that I can currently eat each day and I can have approximately 1/3 of a cup in total at one time. I am to eat three times a day. 

There is 10grams of protein in 100 grams of scrambled egg – at the moment so could possibly eat 50 grams of it. 

There is 14grams of protein in 1/2 a cup of cottage cheese. At the moment I can eat about 1/3 of a cup

There is 4grams of protein in 1/2 a cup of hummus

There is 6 grams of protein in 1/2 a cup of Kefir. 

Obviously, without a protein powder I am NOT reaching 60 grams of Protein a day – soooooooo now I must delve into the scary world of protein supplements 😳 and also find one that is gluten free and that is not a meal replacement as that has too many calories. 

A few people have congratulated me on taking the easy way to deal with my weight 😑 I politely perform a rude hand gesture to them in my mind as they spout their ill-advised dribble in my direction. The facts are, there is never going to be an easy way out for me. Because I have abused my body in the past with long periods of starvation, my body thinks it’s fun to hold on to it’s fat. Without enough protein going in, my body could do that again. So at the moment we have to work out how to get my fat cells to give up their plentious bounty 😂 Telling my fat to be gone doesn’t work (I’ve begged it to bugger off in the past)

I am going to have fun for the next few weeks working out how to eat enough of everything. I see the dietitian on Friday – I know that she is a well learned young lady but she also told me that I should have benefiber – which is made of wheat…. she also knows that I have Coeliac so I have decided that I have to check and double check everything she says. In the mean time give me your proteiny ideas xx