Oat Donuts

I adore this recipe!!! I was scrolling the Interwebs looking for food inspiration and happened upon the oat flour crazes that are all over TikTok!

The next morning I made baked oats for the kids and a thing started! They were in love And I had to make it every single day… (that is a recipe for another day) but it sparked a thought about a vague memory of a mini donut maker that was gifted to us so I went hunting and found it!! And these were born!!

The protein Powder that I use is called Tasteless by Feel Good and it is from Costprice Supplements

The Fruit Powders that I use are from http://www.purebotanypurveyor.com.

Anyway here is the recipe for you two different ways.

Home – Day 4

Good morning Family! I was allowed to go home yesterday!! My drains were removed and I was discharged at noon! I am loving being home and have curled up in my favourite outdoor chair in a sunny place on our back deck to enjoy the feeling of warmth in the air and a beautiful cup of French Earl Grey with Tasteless in it made for me by my 11 year old son!

Yesterday was a super emotional day. I woke up from a wonderful sleep because an incredible nurse by the name of Maddi at SJOG in Geelong went out of her way to get me a recliner to sleep in last night. It meant the world to me to be able to get comfortable and she did not have to go out of her way to make my night easier like that but she did. I have to say that I had an absolutely exceptional hospital experience this time. Every staff member was wonderful but particularly Kate, Maddi and Meg – those girls just went out of their way to help me and I am so thankful.

Then something happened that has never happened to me in my entire adult life – I put a bra on and I didn’t have to tuck my side boob flap in and as soon as that happened I started to cry. I cannot even tell you how many times I have dreamed of that and I never thought it would happen. Gosh I am thankful for the transformative power of weight loss surgery, for skilled surgeons, for family and friends and most of all for the possibilities that unfold before us when we start to believe that we do matter. Have a beautiful weekend. Sending love to everyone and don’t forget to show up for your life and let nothing stop you xx

The Count Down

Well, here we go! Counting down until I am having surgery 😳😳. Last night I decided to take the pictures that I have been dreading. I sort of felt like I needed to prove to myself that I wasn’t just making a bigger deal of my skin than it actually is. Gosh self doubt can be a horrible thing. These pictures were for me. I mean this in the kindest possible way but no one else’s opinion of my skin will influence or define my thoughts on it. I care about the thoughts of those that will help me to recover post operatively but I am only influenced in this by what I believe is going to be best for my long term health. I have to live in this body and so have to know what is best for it and be responsible for the choices I make.

When I last saw my plastic surgeon a few months ago he said to me “when we do your bum and thighs ……” because they are as wrinkly as my front is …. and I know that he is coming from a place of wanting me to look as good as possible considering the years of abuse I subjected my body to via food! However, I can’t, at this point, imagine that I will reach a place in myself where I will ever want to have those areas of my body done. That is the reality. Reconstructive plastic surgery is a big deal and the recovery is hard. The more I have learned about the recovery etc the more positive I am that the higher the weight and the more weight that was lost the harder the reconstructive work may be and also the longer and more complex the recovery. So that must be accounted for!

In truth I am melted, imperfect and marred by the life I have lived. I look somewhat melted naked but I am pretty fucking glorious in this state. I am okay with how I look – I just want to be able to avoid belly button infections and skin break downs and hopefully not catch my arm skin on things!! So that seems like a fairly reasonable request to me.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday and it was a hard day. I spent most of it outside in the yard. I needed to do something different to stop myself and that seems to be a great strategy for me if I am starting to focus on unhelpful thoughts. Probably the fact that I have been sick for nearly a month has not helped much! I have been feeling quite down and that can lead to feeling a little bit lonely. Often times I tend to forget that I have autoimmune conditions and weird blood sugar dramas! I want to be able to feel like a “normal” person and will push myself to be that, until my body does what it has for the last two weeks. My tipping point is much easier to arrive at than it used to be. That frustrates me! I had antibiotics for two weeks for a condition and just when I seemed to be improving, I think I allowed stress to get on top of me again. So I am staring down the barrel of my 4th week on antibiotics with the addition of an inhaler for 6 weeks for my sinuses and a week of prednisone 😟

So instead of going to church after Easter Sunday Breakfast, I allowed my kids current feelings around that issue to be heard and even more importantly – to hold some weight. So, we sat at home – enjoying time in the back yard together.

As the afternoon went on and I got to thinking about more and more of the situations surrounding some difficulties that I have been facing, it became clearer and clearer why I have been holding back. I have always been my own harshest critic and I have realised that once again fear was probably what has been holding me back!

So I decided to get really clear about my why for this surgery and what I am planning to do after it is over. This enabled me to give myself a kick in the pants because I needed one!!

1. I want to be free of skin related issues going into the future.

2. I want to be able to avoid pain when exercising.

3. I want to be able to look better in clothes rather than always bulgy and bumpy.

4. I want to remove my excuses.

So with all of that in mind I decided that I needed some new pics – here they are. 18 months post ETT with Muscle Repair, mons lift, breast lift, breast reduction and fat transfer.

What is planned for my revision surgery is FDL revision of my Tummy tuck, extended arm lift dealing with side boob skin and fat transfer.

When Fears Whisper in your Ear

Hands up if you know what it is like to feel fear? That visceral, consuming, blood gone from your extremities, hyperventilating kind of fear that leaves you wanting to run – but you can’t run because there is no where to go to escape it.

Well that happened to me on Saturday afternoon. My plastic surgery in September 2019 was filled with problems. (Read back in my blog for info) Well my baby sister had her Tummy tuck last week – and we had just picked my mother up from the airport for a visit – the first time since pre covid times, when the phone rang.

Mum went outside to take the call as we were preparing for my sons 19th birthday party, and it was quite rowdy in the kitchen. When mum walked back into the room I knew that something was wrong and she told me what had happened and that my sister was not okay. I felt that fear – I had spoken with my baby sis right before her surgery and told her not to go towards the light – I guess I was trying to use humour as a coping mechanism to mask my concerns BUT I also had a yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach. Anyway as mum was talking to me I tuned out, it felt like she was speaking to me in slow motion and I felt everything about my experience come flooding back.

Hours later my sis was out of surgery again and they had found the source of her bleeding but she remains weakened and will have a longer recovery ahead now. Aaaaaaaand I am meant to have surgery myself in 31 days – and I’m just not sure how I feel about it!

Kindness

Today was hard. My blood sugar was low right from my first waking moment. I don’t enjoy checking it, I hate the smell of blood. It reminds me of my time in the ICU last year. I am reminded of blood transfusions and life saving surgery in the middle of the night. I can feel my pulse quicken and I know it’s PTSD. So I just sit still and I try to push the panic down. I haven’t actually found the words to say that out loud to anyone in my family yet. I know it means I’m a little bit broken so I just continue on with the test. 3.8 great 😔 my blood sugar will fall from there when I drink my coffee ….. it will fall when I eat or drink anything so the medication will need to do its job this morning.

As is his custom, Steve brought a coffee and my bariatric multivitamins in to our room at around 6:30 am and I sat – trying not to feel frightened by the appearance of my favourite beverage. My endocrinologist has explained a couple of medical conditions to me – we are treating one and it is everyone’s hope that I am going to quickly respond. So I drank my coffee. I think I do feel better than I was feeling so we are taking that as a positive sign. Taking so many tablets each day is a very strange and foreign concept for me and I feel the symptoms of hypo number 1 for the day coming on at 8:00am. I know what the feeling is now – I thought it was all just in my imagination, a lack of sleep, stress or a combination of all of those things. I was wrong – All along it was blood sugar. It has even had me casting my mind back to last year – wondering if that is really when all of this started … I think it probably was.

I seem to have muddled my way through the morning. Helping the kids when they need me, working and then having my doctors appointment. My GP, I am fairly certain, is some kind of saint. He always listens to me with compassion and totally agrees with my specialist that I must not be driving while my blood sugar is still prone to such terrible lows. This isn’t what I wanted to hear but I know it is the safe and responsible thing. This also means that we need another driver in the family pronto. Dr. Mendes has written a note to that effect. Now we just have to hope that Vic Roads will give Aramis the medical exemption that he needs to get his P’s immediately so that my inability to drive doesn’t affect everyone so terribly.

After that I was feeling fairly low, sad, like a burden and useless. These are feelings that I am not a stranger to. They were my constant companions when I was big. I hate it when they reappear now that I am meant to be living my very best life …. then there was a knock on my front door and a delivery from a lady that I have met via a Facebook page that I help to run. We are nudging 36 thousand members and I truly believe that they are the most inspiring humans I have ever had the privilege to know. Serving the weight loss surgery community is such a passion in my life and I do it because I love watching people’s lives transform. Anyway … the postie handed me the package and when I opened it I was just so touched that someone thought of me. I was even more blown away by the timing of the delivery.

Someone’s kindness changed my whole day. It reminded me of the goodness of people. 💞

The letter

I wrote myself a letter before my surgery. I didn’t expect that I would ever share it here but I am doing so in the hope that it may help someone to decide to take the chance and have the surgery. I never wanted to let myself forget why I have made the choices I have made. When I found this last night I ugly cried. So on Thankful Thursday I can’t even begin to explain how thankful I am for the life I have now 💞

June 16th 2018

Dear Tash,

I hope that you never forget the reason that you are about to have weight loss surgery. I know that you are absolutely terrified right now. Knowing you, you won’t forget tonight, but just in case your brain shrinks along with your body – I don’t want you to forget! You are sitting awkwardly at the dining table writing yourself this missive. You know you would usually sit in bed and do this but you can’t right now because there are two kids asleep in your room and you don’t want anyone to hear you crying. You are bawling because of all of the lost years that you can never get back. Your precious girl has moved out and you can’t get back the years with her but you still have a chance to be the mother that you always wanted to be to your boys. Tash please don’t just remember being afraid, remember why you are doing this. Be driven to become the healthiest version of you that you can possibly be. Remember that in amongst all of the fear you feel right now, it’s really fucking hard to reach the table!! Your belly is pressed hard up against it and your little T-Rex arms can hardly reach. You don’t want to live your life like this!

You know that you have to do this. Even though it terrifies you in every single way. You want so much more from life than what you have had. You don’t want to struggle to tie your own shoes or wipe your own arse! You want to be the mum that can run and play with your kids. You want to be able to go on adventures with them. You don’t ever want to hear another kid tease them because you are the “fat mum” ever again. You want a better job, you know you can do more but right now people only see your size. You want to be a better wife and have a better relationship with Steve. You want to be able to give yourself to him totally without always holding back because you feel frightened that one day he will decide that he can’t deal with your self loathing and your binge eating anymore.

But then there are the things that you want just for yourself. You want to be able to wear something that isn’t black. You want to wear pretty dresses and clothes that make you smile. You want to be able to stand to sit at the hair dresser rather than hating your reflection so much that you never go. You want to walk into a cafe and not worry about if the chairs are strong enough to accomodate you. You want to walk into country road and buy straight off the rack. You want to feel healthy and not like you are eating yourself into an early grave. Don’t give up. You want to sing again, you want to dance again. Keep going. Please don’t stop because you were made for more than what you have had up until now. This is all I can do for you. I can give you this chance and it is up to you what you do with it. Please write some wonderful chapters.