My amazing surgeon Mr. Darrin Goodall Wilson, looked at me before I went under and he said “Tash I’ll try to use some of your current scars” and he patted me on the shoulder. You know something – I never even thought about my scars for a second! I made peace with having well over 30 surgical scars on my tummy – what’s 5 more? But I love him all the more for thinking of that when I was not in the head space to give it a second thought. “oh no my beautiful body will be marred” never once crossed my mind hahahaha!! This bad boy is one of my 5 surgical incisions and this annoying one caused quite a scare in recovery. I required two to changes in hospital gowns because it bled badly – it started to carrying on again last night 😑 meanwhile the four others are getting to that itchy healing kind of stage. I really do bruise quite impressively don’t I!
Actually I am feeling very very much better today as opposed to the sick feelings over the past few days and the regrets of yesterday. I have just had 80 mls of optifast for breakfast and lunch and I think I’ll have soup for dinner. Optifast is NOT my favourite – I am fairly sure that my body feels the need to purge it from my body as soon as it enters…. or at last that is how I feel! I am starting to think about what I will do next week when I start on purée foods. What did you have? What was advised to you?
This morning has been tough. I woke up feeling nauseous and the bruising on my tummy is coming out in force, so that seems to hurt more today. The surgeon did not just do gastric bypass, he also went and looked at the mesh and dealt with some adheasions and I have bruising coming out from that part of the surgery too. Aunty flo decided to add insult to injury by making an unwanted appearance and I think I am a bit constipated – this seems crazy when I have literally eaten less than 1 cup of food in the last three days. All that combined has seen my mood be somewhat down this morning. However I am happy that the kids are now going to be off school!! It’s the last day of term for them – and three weeks of holidays to follow!! No school runs until I can drive again which is such a great thing ☺️
This morning I have done a bit of thinking about how I felt the last time that I lost a lot of weight – how different I looked – how people asked Steve to introduce them to his new wife, how differently I was perceived and consequently treated by others. I am slowly wrapping my head around the changes that are about to happen in our lives. At least I am aware of the anger and residual cynicism that I felt last time and I am hoping to find really great ways around those feelings this time. I think it helps to understand that not everyone has to understand our journey and that taking things at face value really is important.
I hope you have a great weekend, I am planning to spend most of it resting.
These were my thoughts right before I went under – I am sitting in the surgical waiting room. Ted stockings are on, my blood pressure and weight have been taken (OMG 12.6 kilos down from my pre surgery diet starting weight and 26 kilos down from my heaviest weight) I am wondering if the hospital scales are faulty – how can that possibly be right 😳
I am so thankful for the blessing of having amazing people encouraging me. Thank you girls and guys! Your love, well wishes, support and prayers mean the world and more.
I think I should be honest and say that I have never really been one to love and embrace change. I am the kind of person that you may find clinging to the safe and familiar with everything that I have. Over the last 5 years I have become better with change but today I feel like my progress has been very very small. I thought I would be standing here, about to escape my fat loop, with all of the joy of a child on Christmas morning. But what happens when my excuses are gone 🙂 this is the part of the journey where the rubber meets the road and I know that. What would my business look like without my excuses, what would my relationships look like without my excuses? What will my life look like without my excuses – I guess we are about to find out.
And I will be honest here – I woke up on surgery day crying. I literally felt filled to the very brim of my heart with fear and sobbed into my pillow because of it. I cried because of years lost, I cried because I wished I could stay the same and that things would just magically be different, the mesh from my old hernia repair would be gone, my joints wouldn’t ache and I wouldn’t be at the front of the queue for diabetes and heart disease. I was going to miss my ample curves, lamenting the inevitable days ahead when I would look like a human candle and my skin will hang from me in the same unsightly way that my fat now fills it.
Then I looked over at my little boys, who had a sleep over in our room the night before surgery and I became more resolute to give them the mother that they need. The one who spends hours with them in the water at the beach, the one who can wear shorts in the summer, the one who isn’t constantly held back because of fear and self loathing – and I got up, had a shower, prayed and got myself ready to go. I did it afraid because that’s sometimes the only way that New things happen.