Community Violations – Nudity

And now that I have your full attention I want to admit that I recently had a video removed from TikTok because I apparently breeched their community standards – Naughty Little Rule Breaker that I am 🤣🤣🤣🤣!!! So after months and months of ummmmmmmmming and Ahhhhhhhing about if I was going to go ahead and do more skin surgery, I finally came to the conclusions that I need to get rid of the excess tummy skin that I don’t particularly want to stay how I am in the longer term. So, of course, It then seemed to be a good idea to get revision on my tummy, my boobs, side boob and to do my arms because they literally wing like in their awesomeness. The excess skin that I have has improved a little over the last 18 months but all in all, to avoid on going infections and skin tears, I do need to sort it. I never had any intention to do more than I have already done but as time marches on I have realised that the skin hurts, pulls, rips and I don’t think it would be wise to stay this way into my older years.

So I have my surgery date, which is April 28 and I am kind of excited about it. Well I swing between excited and full of anxiety and fear. Most of the time I am excited – It feels like a natural next step now that my weight is stable and I am, for the most part, managing my hypos pretty well. I thought “Hey, I could talk about this on tiktok and had been asked by a LOT of people if I would consider talking about it – So I tried. I did a video and as I said above – it was removed for adult nudity. I checked their nudity terms and I cannot see how it breeches them but meh okay! (I will post the video here so you can check it out and see what you think. Personally I think TikTok is body shaming me as a person with excess skin and they can kiss my saggy arse 🙂

So I guess I will stick to good ole WordPress – Perhaps this is better anyway. My words tend to come out better when they are flowing from my fingers and not from my mouth haha!

Plastic Surgery 12 months on

12 Months ago yesterday I had my plastic surgery. I had a Radical Tummy Tuck, Mons Lift, Breast Reduction, Breast Lift and Fat Transfer to give me boobies. 12 months on I feel very differently about the whole process to how I did at the start. I want to make a few points that I really believe are vitally important for people to know and understand if you have lost a massive amount of weight and then go down the road of plastic surgery.

  1. Size does matter – this is a really strange concept to me. I hate comparisons and I actively advocate NEVER comparing your journey with someone else’s. BUT, where skin surgery is concerned if you are going to look at someone else’s results and covet them for your own – you better be comparing the same kind of starting point and the same end point prior to surgery or disappointment may follow! The results of someone that had 40 kilos of excess weight to lose and the results of someone that had 80 or 90 or 100 kilos of excess weight to lose are not the same thing and they are going to be vastly different! Everyones weight loss is amazing, awesome and incredible – that is a fact – And I don’t believe that anyone is better etc based upon the amount of weight that they have to lose – however these things DO impact results when we are talking about plastic surgery.
  2. When it comes to skin surgery SOOOOOOooooooo many things impact the final results. The results of someone that has had multiple pregnancies but never been overweight is going to have a different result to someone that has been overweight with multiple pregnancies and the higher the starting weight, the more the skin has been stretched and the lower the finishing weight the more noticeable the sag. The length of time that the skin has been stretched also has an impact on the final results too. I knew all of this BEFORE I had my surgery. In my head I understood that stretched skin from being super morbidly obese for nearly 20 years AND having had our 5 kids was going to have an impact upon the way that my skin would respond after surgery. But I didn’t really understand this. I thought I did – but I didn’t. You think because you are paying out serious dollars to have this surgery, that you are going to look pretty fricken amazing by the end of it. The reality of that, for me, did not materialise! I did not look how I wanted to look or how so many other people look. People have told me that I should blame my surgeon for that. He told me to expect revision – I guess I assumed that would happen if things went wrong – not that was going to happen because of the state of my skin. That was probably a breakdown in communication.
  3. Communicate your desires clearly to your surgeon. Ask a lot of questions and write down the answers. Ask where your incisions will be. Ask that it be explained to you thoroughly. Ask what kind of things can go wrong. Ask what you can expect from them in a worst case situation. Ask how wound break downs are treated. Ask how many times you will see them post operatively. Ask what kind of compression garments they recommend and how long you have to wear them for. Ask what kind of dressings they use and ask to test the dressing out to make sure that you don’t have reactions to it PRIOR to your surgery. I wore my dressings for a week before my surgery to make sure that my fussy skin was going to be okay with them.
  4. MAKE SURE you are healthy going in to your skin removal surgery. Make sure that your most trusted health care provider (for me that is my GP) says that it is a good idea to have the skin surgery. Don’t do it if you have even slightly dodgy blood test results. Be as healthy as possible for the best possible healing and outcomes afterwards.
  5. Collagen. I had a LOT of collagen protein in the lead up to my surgery and in the healing phase. It is the one thing that I can say that I did differently to the 26 surgeries that I have had in my lifetime before my skin surgery and it was the ONLY TIME I did not get a wound infection. My incision was gigantic and I was very concerned about that particular aspect of things. I healed beautifully – and when I consider all of the complications that I had post operatively, the healing beautifully thing meant the world to me. The only issue was that I did spit a stitch a few weeks later but again it was fine and healed up well. The brand of Collagen Protein that I use is called Tasteless by Feel Good and it has been fantastic for me.
  6. Expect revisions and expect that it is going to take time. Also expect that it is going to cost a lot of money. There are all kinds of ways to have skin surgery. Some weight loss surgeons in Australia do offer skin removal (usually just tummy tucks) to their patients and they are often done as a revision surgery so there is very little out of pocket cost. Some general surgeons do skin removal then cosmetic and then plastic surgeons. There is also a program called The Access Program and if you have private health insurance then this may provide a lower cost alternative if you are willing to travel to Sydney. https://accessprogram.org.au
  7. How much does it cost? Tash can I just ask you, Tash would you mind telling me, Tash is it too much to ask to know – I totally understand when I get those inboxes and direct messages but the answer to those questions is that I don’t talk about the cost of my surgery. Honestly, the best thing to do is to pick your surgeon and go and have a consultation with them. The initial consultations vary a lot too – anything from $200 – 450 dollars BUT if you want to know how much your personal case would cost with a particular surgeon then it is the best way to go. My general rule of thumb is as follows – for persons with private health insurance the GAP that you would be expected to pay for a low cost tummy tuck would be 1-7k, medium cost 7-11k and high cost 12k and over. That is WITH private health insurance covering the hospital and theatre costs and a small amount to the doctors involved. My theatre costs were astronomical and thankfully covered by my private health insurance because my surgery met the criteria to be considered medically necessary – because I had to be taken back to theatre in the middle of the night so that I wouldn’t bleed to death, my original gas doctor was not available so they had to call someone else in and I ended up paying a second Gap cost for that doctor.

In saying all of those things, I am glad that I did have the tummy tuck. I wish that it had been a better result and I wish that I was not having to have another revision surgery in the future but “wish in one hand, spit in the other” as my Nan used to say. I wanted to include some pictures so that you can see how my skin is now. It is confronting and it is why I need more removed but hey thats life. I lived, I get to enjoy my life with my family and that makes it all worthwhile.

This is me – prior to the tummy tuck
3 months ago. I am 4 kilos lighter now

Love Tash x

The Cost

Let’s talk for a minute about the Cost of Bariatric Surgery. Many of us pay quite a sum just to have our surgery in the first place. But the costs that are ongoing are something that we don’t really talk about a lot. That’s not to say that WLS isn’t one of the best descisions I have ever made because it is!! But these are things I didn’t think of beforehand. Some of the things that I have replaced because of weight loss surgery include the following.

  1. My mattress – I was in pain from lying in my “big me” sized mattress hole.
  2. All my shoes – I am now 2 sizes smaller
  3. All of my underwear 4 times over as I found out the hard way one can’t wear undies that are too big and not risk them falling off in public – yep it really happened 🤦🏻‍♀️
  4. My car seat – this is a weird one and I upgraded my car because it needed an upgrade anyway BUT the drivers seat was broken because of my bum and my weight.
  5. My lounge suite because I broke it 😔
  6. My dining chair – I am going to have to replace the set but am making do for now.
  7. My entire wardrobe because going from a size 24/26 to a size 4/6 means that nothing from bigger me fits me anymore.
  8. My supplements and vitamins ongoing but for me the cost of my weekly food and vitamins and supplements is still less than what I used to spend per week on my food (I ate a lot).
  9. Skin removal surgery – this shot of me there with the excess skin is current. That is after my radical tummy tuck – obviously I require revision surgery because my surgeon thought that a radical tummy tuck would be enough but it wasn’t. When you have as much excess skin as me it is unpredictable how it will respond.
  10. New glasses coz the old ones fall off my face 😳
This is me now

As for the plastics, I don’t disclose how much my surgery cost, but the following is a rough guide per area of the body and what you might expect to pay (after private health insurance and Medicare covers the hospital costs and a small payment to the surgeon and the gas doctor) THESE ARE AUSTRALIAN PRICES
$1k-$7k is considered low cost.
$7k-$11k is mid range.
$12k and over is high range.
That is the gap payment as plastic surgeons will charge you a gap fee even if skin removal is deemed medically necessary. The gaps vary from surgeon to surgeon. My recommendation is ONLY USE a PLASTIC SURGEON. If you have private health insurance are in NSW or don’t mind traveling, google ‘The Access Program’ if you want a lower cost option.

Would I do it again? Heck yes! Over and over!! I have a life now and I am so grateful for it.

Me yesterday and me a lifetime ago
My dangly skin before I had it chopped off

ET and I are mates 😉

6th of May 2020 🌟🌟Warning GRAPHIC SURGICAL PIC🌟🌟

We are approaching the 2 year mark! On the 18th of June, it will be 2 years since I had RNY – Gastric Bypass. It has been a strange time. The changing, the growing, the turning into a different version of me. Dealing with the demons in my past and letting go of things and people that I didn’t want to let go of. In short – life is very different. But different, I am learning, can be a gift – it all depends how you look at it. The wonderful thing about choice is that we get the chance to move ourselves from where we are and position ourselves to have every possible chance to make life long changes.

2 years ago, wow, there is absolutely no way that I imagined that I would be where I am at right now. Getting to be an Australian size 4-6 was NEVER ever part of my plan. I had thought that it would be wonderful to be perhaps a size 12-14 if possible. I have enjoyed so many wonderful and unexpected blessings along the way to being a healthier me. Over the last 7 months I have noticed marked changes. Those who know me best can attest to this also. I have tried to put my finger on what triggered it. I have tried to work and reason it out, mostly without success – until I was chatting with one of a hand full of people that I consider to be part of my inner circle. That circle has 6 people in it. They are the people that I trust unquestioningly and that I know, like I know that I know that I know, love me, without judgement and that I talk to nearly on a daily basis. Here is what has come from our talk.

I realised that I have not allowed myself to process AT ALL, the fact that I was on deaths door when I had my plastic surgery last year. I had a radical tummy tuck with mons lift and muscle repair and a breast lift, reduction and fat grafting. Now I know that we can’t dwell on things because that isn’t healthy, but I am damaged by what happened to me and not dealing with that trauma isn’t healthy either. I need to talk about it so here goes.

I guess I knew it, like……… I knew that I was very very sick. But in truth I didn’t want to admit how close I came to not being here anymore. I didn’t want to have to think about any of it!!! I tried to avoid it, however I can now see that it has changed me in the most profound ways. When I was lying in the ICU, surrounded by doctors trying to get lines in to me and keep my oxygen levels from dipping any lower than they already were, they were asking me “Who should we call for you, do you understand what is happening, you are very very calm, are you sure you understand what is happening”. I am scary calm under pressure. When I was young this was NOT the case. But years change people and I don’t get loud or dramatic now. I go stone cold ….. but this wasn’t that – I was awake to what was happening!

In that moment did I understand what was going on? Yes of course I did. I was fully informed of my risks prior to my surgery. I knew that the massive blood vessels that used to feed my fat had not shrunk and that I had an increased risk of bleeding because of it. I knew that I had internal bleeding. I knew that they had to stabilise me before they moved me to the icu and I knew that the nurse looking after me stayed well past the end of her shift to hold my hand until they moved me. She had caught my head the second time I fainted and when I woke, lying in a crumpled mess of blood and my own urine she was still holding me. (Fun fact, when you pass out, if you need to pee …. well you just do.)She also carefully cut my blood and pee soaked night gown off me – it was too far gone to be kept. She reassured me that she would stay with me until ICU had me and she did. So I knew from those things that it wasn’t good. I have had a lot of surgery, been in hospitals a lot and I knew this was not a “usual” thing. Nurses are incredible people, they see that type of stuff on a daily basis and remain caring and thorough in their care. But she was going far beyond normal.

Pec muscles with skin hanging under it
After surgery with fat transfer – 7 months later all of the fat is gone, my body has eaten it all!!!

After the ICU stint and additional surgery was over, I eventually came back to the ward days later and found that my story had preceded me. One of the nurses that had been responsible for my care on the day it all happened, came, found me, hugged me and told me she was so glad that I was alright. I remembered her on sight and called her by name. She said “oh you remember!” I said “Yes, the doctor told me to focus on your faces and not let myself float off!” So that is what I did. There was a long period of time where they couldn’t get my blood pressure to read or find a pulse. That was not great. This was during the time when they were trying to stabilise me. I kept wanting to shut my eyes and sleep but they told me it wouldn’t be sleep if I did that so I had to stay awake.

Those pin cushion times

I knew what that meant. I fought to not let myself float off and tried so very hard to stay with them. Loud shoutings of my name brought me round time and time again. Multiple failures to locate veins because my body didn’t want to cooperate didn’t even bother me, I was being jabbed with needles and I didn’t care. I was fading away and I knew I was. In that moment I made some decisions. I did decide that if I woke up after the emergency surgery I needed to stop the internal bleeding, I was not going to live my life afraid of what people would think of me anymore. I wasn’t going to wear any type of face to please others and that I was going to be kind and assume the best of people no matter what.

So did I understand what was happening? Yes, I absolutely knew and I told the very lovely doctor that yes I understood, and as she held my hand she made no promises – which I appreciated! I loved the fact that she didn’t say to me “oh don’t even worry, you will be fine!” Because I was bleeding out on the inside and I wasn’t fine! I like real and value it when people don’t bullshit me.

An early look at how much excess skin I still had after my tummy tuck – it is worse now. My boobs are empty again and don’t have that amount of fullness as my body has consumed the fat that the doctor put into them when he did the reduction and lift.

No one of my contacts that the intensivist called were answering – it was 1 am so naturally people were asleep, but they were anxious to let someone know that I was not okay. In that moment my mind was drawn to the person that I knew would not answer me and as tears rolled down my face and my heart broke a little bit more than it had before, I knew who would answer me, I called my Dad. When I was a kid and was hit by a car he knew something was the matter and was frantically trying to get info before anyone knew what had happened. The phone rang once and he answered with “hello baby are you okay!” The intensivist was holding the phone to my ear as I said “no Dad I’m not, please keep calling Steve, try to wake someone up. They are taking me back to theatre, I love you Dad I have to go” and with that I ended the call. The doctor finally managed to get my Aramis to answer and he spoke to the doctor and went and got his dad. Steve ran into the ICU as I was being wheeled through the doors to go to theatre. Do they call families in to the hospital at 1:00 am very often? Well I already know the answer to that. They don’t. They had told me that I may be kept sedated – it would depend how things went. I don’t really remember waking up but I know it was hours later and I know that Steve was there all night waiting for me. Then he had to go, after sitting up all night waiting for news of me, to get the boys and drive them to Melbourne to the airport to catch their flights.

When I saw Steve’s face at around 11am that day the look of exhaustion and concern was so evident to me. He had arrived back from the airport to sit beside my bed in the ICU. I just wanted to cry for him. I know what it is like to sit in one of those rooms watching machines and listening for alarms that were going off very frequently. No family nearby to help him and carrying the weight of everything on his shoulders. Thankfully my Dad made provisions to take time off work and flew from the Gold Coast to Geelong to be with Steve and I. Our boys were being loved on by family in QLD and I got to rest, heal and think about all of the ways I would rewrite my story. I was going to really live! No more bench sitting! And most of all, how I would stop pulling my punches. So in that spirit let me tell you that the skin removal and tummy tuck surgery has changed my life and it was worth it BUT it was really fricken hard and many tears were shed over the process of my recovery! I didn’t know I could cry so much or that I would emerge from this so changed.

I am excited for the next chapter of my story. I am looking forward to how the rest of 2020 will unfold. Let’s face it – the first part has been less than ideal but I am getting ready for a comeback story! I am dreaming of days with family and friends, living with intention and purpose, being kinder and more open, taking less and giving more. Xx

No More Wallowing

There are a couple of things that have been on my mind lately and as always I am wanting to open up a dialogue about them. I can remember when I was first contemplating WLS again back in 2017. This was after my failed and horrendous lap band fiasco at the hands of a surgeon in QLD. I had my doubts that WLS was really going to be a good idea for me and I also wondered how effective it would be in the long term.

I do not jump into things without truck loads of research first. I read medical journal posts, I read the Monash studies, I read the US medical pages, I read THOUSANDS of posts from sites all over the globe (yes I am the info lover)!!! I read posts from normal people, like you and me, who typed things like “60lbs gone forever” “70 kilos gone for good” and I used to wonder, “wow is that true? What makes that true? I know people that have had WLS and regained……. so what is the difference? How do we define success?” On and on and on my questions would go. That rabbit hole does have a bottom but it probably isn’t always popular to talk about.

Eventually I got past asking my 56 billion questions because I was so tired of my life becoming more and more limited by my ever growing size! I also realised that no one, no surgeon, no matter how spotless their reputation, no WLS guru, no body could tell me that I was going live a complication free, thin life for the rest of my life after surgery! I wanted, for years, to not be responsible for my outcome. I was actually looking for some kind of reassurance that bypass or The Switch would be my “golden ticket” and I would be able to keep up my unhealthy relationship with food – just eat less of it. If I am honest, and it is only in the last few days that I have been bold enough to admit that my TOTAL reason for delaying having WLS again after my band was because I was frightened that I would have to change my relationship with food and I didn’t want to.

Finally I got to the point where I decided that any weight loss, however small, had to help! So in June of 2018 I bit the bullet, jumped up onto the operating table and had RNY. Since then I have learned a lot of different things! One of the most frustrating is that there isn’t a standard “one size fits most” approach in the way to walk the journey after WLS. Everyone has different thoughts and opinions – this makes it so interesting but it also can be very scary and frustrating at times. What I have learned is that I cannot eat the same diet I used to have and expect that my results will be good in the long term. What I eat has changed and will never be the same again. I have learned that for me – changing my relationship with food would transform my whole life.

I have learned that food is not my comfort, my treat or my friend, it’s just a tool to fuel my body and I have learned that I have to face my emotional shit and I hate that part!! I don’t eat my feelings anymore. This has been harder than I bargained for but I know it will pay off in the long run. I have also learned that sometimes their are complications that we just have to work through!! I didn’t plan to get as thin as I have so that has taken some adjusting to. But I am grateful for an amazing team and brilliant friend here that support me.

It is not about being a certain weight or a size for me. It’s about knowing how to work with my body, giving it what it needs to be healthy and how to be resilient when the challenges come. It is about keeping in mind the reason that I did this and understanding that I am not a powerless victim of circumstances. I decide how this story plays out so if I am knocked down then it’s on me to get back up. I have been knocked down for a few months now but I am back up again 🙂 I didn’t want to get back up. My heart has been broken and I wanted to stay down and stay hurting. What woke me is I have seen the way that my kids have been broken. The tears of my boys are the fuel that drives me and they NEED to see me get up, so I am! It’s okay to feel a bit lost at times, and it’s okay to say “I need help” it is also good when you can finally see clearly again. We got this guys and I refuse to wallow anymore.

On The Table

Motivation Monday! If you haven’t danced like a crazy girl in a pink wig on a table top and don’t have a rainbow wall and a disco ball in your dining room have you really lived ?? 🤣

You know, this isolation business is hard but for me, it’s the safest thing for me to do. That kick arse, beyond terrified of failing – but still brave enough to do it anyway, tired of being downtrodden, bigger version of me went through far too much to be here in this moment, for me to waste even a single day! I lived a shell of a life for the best part of two decades and I used my size to sideline myself from the fun, the crazy, the silly and the things that I wanted to do! It is hard right now but don’t let our current circumstances suck every bit of joy out of life. You are worth celebrating right now! You have breath in your lungs! You have the power to decide to make the very best of today. I may feel heart broken and I might be struggling but I will not let those things rob me of the joy of living in the moment. Life is full of mountain tops and valley experiences and if you are in a valley – well get on the damn table with me and let hope fill you up. Better days ARE coming xx

6 Months Post Plastics

WTF Wednesday – I am coming up on being 6 months post my first plastic surgery. I am honestly very much in two minds about doing it again. I need revision – That isn’t me saying it, although it was obvious straight after my first surgery that I wasn’t as I hoped I would be, that is my surgical team saying I require revision as I am often asked about my excess skin and truthfully I believe that the amount I had and have is typical for someone that has lost as much weight as I have and is now as light as I am – With the other factors like my age and the fact that I have 5 children.

When I look at things objectively I know that I need to go ahead with my revision surgery – for the sake of my skin as I age – this is because I am still prone to skin infections and skin tears but I still have misgivings. It was not a straight forward recovery for me and I have not shared everything on here because quite honestly I had PTSD resurface and still dislike talking about certain aspects of what I experienced.

My surgeons explained to me that in someone that has lost as much weight as I have, the skin is damaged and will likely sag again requiring revision. Thankfully this is not as invasive as the massive muscle repair and clean out of previous scar tissue and old seromas that happened the first time around.

I do love living life without the skin apron and I love my lifted mons but I hate the loose upper abdominal skin and the fact that it still manages to pull and rip! My side boobs are to be dealt with in the revision surgery as are my arms. I don’t hate my flappy arm bits but the side boob makes it impossible to wear correctly fitting bras and I wear compression to hold it in every day.

I think it’s fairly incredible the difference that 6 months had made – I still swell from time to time but for the most part it’s hard to explain the difference that not having the apron has made to my life in terms of how much less daily pain I experience.

So what did I have done? I had ETT with mons lift and corset muscle repair (my thighs lifted quite a lot from this part of the procedure)

Breast Lift, Breast reduction with fat transfer.

My surgery was completed by Misters Ian Holten and Raf Acosta from Australian Skin Face Body in Geelong.

Worth it

While we were visiting with family I spent a lot of time lounging around in the sun and enjoying gloriously warm summer day. My excess skin is still there – it is still a reality and it is what remains from my years of self abuse with food. I am never going to have a perfect body – whatever that is – I actually don’t care that I will never have tight skin. I am a happily marred roadmap of imperfections and I love that about me. I don’t want to be anything other than the best me that I can be and right now – this is it! Self love and acceptance shouldn’t be based on when you reach a certain milestone – self love is knowing that you are loved, valuable and worth it so every other thing that you reach for in the journey to better yourself comes from that. I’m not waiting to be loveable or worth it – I already am! I was when I was over 95 kilos heavier too. Wherever you are at on the journey – please know that you are worth it. Well that’s what I believe anyway xx

Keeping it raw

There are a lot of things in this world that I find confusing. I don’t understand why rain sometimes seems to blow in sideways, I don’t understand how coffee seems to hug me from the inside or why Bono’s voice can soothe me, no matter my mood. I also don’t understand why we put on airs and graces, or feel compelled to embellish things to impress others. I mean yes, I do get why, but I hate it and therefore this post is a tribute to raw honesty.

Have you ever been in a situation where you were looking at something and it made you feel uncomfortable but you just couldn’t turn away? Well, imagine if that was your body. I know that so many people can relate to this because in general, we, the human race, seem to continuously look for ways to make ourselves feel better or be better (I have a whole theory about that but that is just not for today – today I am ticked off at myself for hating me for even a few minutes) I can stick my hand up and say “Yep, 100% – I felt akin to something that no one wants to step in” when I was 140+ kilos and even now – there are days when I look at myself, feel uncomfortable and I inwardly turn away.

Today I have inwardly turned away. Today I started back at the gym. It was a GREAT feeling. OMG working out again – THIS IS HUGE FOR ME!! I never thought I would see the inside of a gym again. No cardio for me because any weight loss would be a very very bad idea but I LOVED using weights again. I hope that my muscles remember how they used to look all those years ago! So I finished leg day, I have a sore bum coz squats =🍑 and I want a 🍑 not a 🥞 ….. I felt great chatting with my work out buddy on our way home and once I was home I went and stood in the bathroom and the reality of my body right now gripped me.

I had moments like this all the time when I was fat, I would turn away from the mirror, run to the fridge, stand in front of it and feel myself become calmer as I opened the door, I would stuffed my face with some carb loaded abomination and by the time I finished eating it, the tears had stopped but the self loathing would increase 100 fold. That was my coping mechanism, my drug of choice and that would make the problem worse. This morning standing in front of the mirror, I felt all of the same emotions come bubbling up to the surface – the self loathing, the wanting to be different, the wanting to feel beautiful just once, the wishing that I was attractive and even the old, old disconnectedness with certain parts of my body came rushing to the forefront of my mind. At that point I had to turn away, but I stopped, shut my eyes, calmed myself and then turned back the fuck around, and eyeballed myself and said “ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!! YOU HAVE NOT COME THIS FAR TO HATE YOURSELF TODAY!”

Today I will not let myself wallow in self pity. I will celebrate how far I have come. Not perfect and not everyones cup of tea but thats okay too. I guess today I wanted to write this to say don’t be so hard on yourself, we all go through things that we never talk about. We all carry things inside of us that we wish weren’t there or that we wish we could easily change – the truth is that all of us are a mess. Our mess may look different but we all have them just the same. Learning to love ourselves and find the worth and value is the trick. Thats why I refuse to be anything other than me. If its raw and a bit edgy, well thats okay – this proverbial pig has no lipstick on it and I like it that way.

How I was and how I am now

When You See How It Was.

WARNING GRAPHIC POST SURGICAL PIC

Today I met with my plastic surgeons nurse. I love going in and having chats with Natalie. She is just genuinely a good human being. She has been so honest with me from the start. She did not blow smoke up my arse when I said that I thought I was going to need a revision surgery because of the excess skin. She has been supportive of me from the first time that I met her and I am grateful for that.

When you go to plastic surgery follow up appointments it is an odd thing to start with. I have taken my clothes off in front of this woman so many times now that I truly think nothing of it anymore. This morning, as I stood semi nude again, we were able to see that the seroma I had seems to be resolving or resolved, as the big bump that I had on my right hand side over the scar has significantly dissipated. My incisions have healed beautifully and basically I can get back to life. I wish that my energy levels were better but hey things are what they are and we just have to work with what we have, so I am.

The other thing that was wonderful about today, is that Natalie gave me the photos of my surgery! They are graphic but they have helped me to come to terms with what has happened to me. I can see why my surgeons thought that they had taken enough skin. Those photos have gone a long way to restoring my trust and confidence which is a very good thing.

Taken by surgeon