Shutting up the inner meanie!

I thought I loved this pic then I realised that I could see my excess back skin creeping around and I started to pick at every single other fault and flaw I could see. I did that for about 5 minutes until I made myself nearly cry and then I just stopped! I just made myself STOP for a minute and gave myself a reality check! I’m a nearly 45 year old woman with 5 children, who has lost 2 thirds of my body weight. I have had 28 surgeries in my life and overcome a hell of a lot of things that others never see so I am going to refuse to allow myself to be put down ….. ESPECIALLY by my own internal voice!! I am never going to be perfect and thank fuck for that, who needs that kind of pressure!! so a great big ole finger to you internal mean girl in my head you can shut up tonight coz I’ll be over here listening to my hype girl! She knows that we have totally got this next phase in our journey! I would love to know what you do to get co trol of your self talk xx

Puffy Muffy

Can we talk about something for a minute?? I wanna discuss post weight loss surgery Puffy Muffy! If you are easily offended this is probably a good blog to avoid 😳

Not sure if I am the only one who had dreams of a nice looking below the belt region? Well I guess when I say nice looking …… being able to see it was my first goal! But I am going to be honest here and say that when I finally could see it, I wanted to just place my fat flap down and never lift it up to look ever again.

Mine has not faired too well throughout this process. I had/have major skin discolouration from the years of sweaty groin and chub rub so that is something that I really dislike but it’s more than that. Tubby Kitty had some major swelling from an incisional hernia, 5 kids and 100 kilos of weight loss it looked like very very saggy balls. My muscle separation continued right down onto my mons with a VERY noticeable division down the middle of the fat pad but I vent after TWO mons lifts but I STILL still have puffy muffy. I feel like I have a bumper pad on me like a bumper car! I still have stretch marks on it and it still looks a bit ding dong dangly.

So my question is, has anyone had a lower incision into your mons where they took a bit more skin to make it smaller. It’s one thing to chop straight across but I feel like it needs a little something more to remove the sheer volume of excess skin in that area. Or am I destined to walk the earth with a saggy fupa 😆

Ps…… for those who know me in person – I see your eyes go south next time we see each other ……… imma laugh and laugh and laugh!

Tin Man

I have felt like the Tin Man lately. I have felt fairly numb and I know full well that I have been disassociating because it is easier at times than dealing with the harsh reality of life which can, at times, feel very challenging. So what has been going on?

Well, I am staring straight down the barrel of another surgery. It is something that I truly did not want to do. I didn’t want to have another surgery and I didn’t want to have the particular one that I now need. The truth of the matter is that for the longest of times there is a part of me that wished I could have been a mother one more time. I know that isn’t possible now but it doesn’t stop me from wishing.

Please don’t misunderstand me. Oh I am so grateful for the children that I have. I love them all so dearly. I pray with all of my heart that they have the very best lives possible and am so thankful for their love and kindness towards me. I truly have amazing children!! There is no buts about that. I do wish that I had been a more active mum when they were little and that I had never had a lapband and the dramas that followed it. I am very different as a human being right now to how I was all those years ago when I became a mother for the first time but I have given away the thought that another child could happen for us, so I am going to have a hysterectomy.

My gynaecologist would have been happy to do this surgery in 2014 … The only stipulation that he had for the surgery to be safe was that I would need to lose some weight. Obviously there is no problem with my weight these days and I am seeing my gynaecologist on Wednesday to set the date. I feel overwhelmed but thankful for the thought of being able to get my iron issues under control.

This has come about because my recent blood tests have not been good. I have been tested every couple of months for a while now and my levels have not come up to a normal level even with extensive supplementation. 12 days ago I had an infusion and it has not made enough of a difference. My periods are coming every 9-10 days and lasting 10 days each time. I am just exhausted. I will update when I know more after Wednesday.

Hopefully I may feel more like I have emotions when I am a bit less tired. It would be nice to think that I could get back to normal rather than feeling like I am just on auto pilot! But I must say that I do tend to do auto pilot quite well!

Love Tash

Iron infusion

Lockdown Talks

We have some very interesting conversations in lockdown and one of the kids recently asked me what happened in my heart to cause me to change. (he was referring to my weight loss, new career, business etc) And I had to think about it for a while but you know what – I think it was the fact that I spent so many years of my life ignoring things that had happened to me and I gave away pieces of me until I lost the sense of who I actually was. I spent years of my life entombing myself in my very own prison! I spent years hoping that someone would see me, would help me, would rescue me but the truth was I didn’t need some other saviour, I needed to get up and realise that no one else could save me from myself except me! I had to find value in myself, I had to get up and do it myself! I didn’t get to be the weight that I was because of neglect, I got there through systematically abusing my body and treating myself so poorly because the truth of it is that that is all I felt that I deserved. I cannot even begin to explain how many times I withdrew from situations and from people, even from some of you because I was afraid of rejection, or afraid that I would be seen the way that I saw myself. Then one day in 2017, as I tried to walk across a stage in a graduation robe that wouldn’t fit me, I realised that no one else was coming to save me. I was going to have to do something different if I wanted things in my life to change. It has been the hardest, most confronting thing in the world to look myself in the eye and see myself how I was and then start to imagine myself how I could be. I now believe that process will be life long and I also believe that I am not where I used to be and I am so profoundly thankful for that but I also have a whole lot more mountains to climb!! I am so thankful for hope and for the fact that the knight in shining armour that I was waiting for was actually a brave brave big lady who could see in her mind what she wanted for her life and for her health so she got up and did something about it for herself! #beyourownhero

Body Positivity and Weight Loss Surgery – just my thoughts

I think I always had a bit of angst with my body. Things that happened to me when I was a child caused me to believe that my body wasn’t really mine and that I had little control over it. From that broken place a really poor view of myself and my body grew. It has taken me a long long time to feel comfortable to talk about this. Even this week I have been asking myself questions about some of the beliefs that I grew up with around , victim blaming and other issues that I can now see were at the heart of poor self esteem.

I didn’t believe I was incredible, strong or unique. I felt disempowered and then other things took place in my life that reinforced that to me. I am truly grieved that it took me the best part of 40 years to start to love myself and my body.

For a while I did wonder about weight loss and body positivity. My journey towards loving my body had begun prior to weight loss surgery and my health had been in a rapid decline due to my size. As part of loving my body and myself I decided that if I was going to live, I simply had to try to lose some of the weight that was beginning to cause other life threatening medical conditions!

For me, I did not have a goal in mind, I didn’t have a size in mind. All I had was a hope of living past the age of 45. So I had the surgery. The entire process has been about wellness, kindness and lovingly accepting myself at all of the different stages of this journey.

Now I am still covered in damaged skin and my body is just that – mine. I love it as it was, and as it is today. How I look is no one else’s concern and likewise the way others look is never for me to make assumptions or judgements about!

Even the skin removal was a matter of health for me. Carrying all of that around was not going to be good for me as I aged and it was very heavy and gave me regular infections. Now I am left with scars and I am totally okay with that 😌

I guess what I am saying is that I feel like I have come a long way in accepting myself as I am and also understanding that this is always going to be a process, with new chapters being written. I am thankful for that. I am in love with the life and the process of finding out what is around the next corner and walking that walk out with love and kindness – both to myself and to others.