I thought I loved this pic then I realised that I could see my excess back skin creeping around and I started to pick at every single other fault and flaw I could see. I did that for about 5 minutes until I made myself nearly cry and then I just stopped! I just made myself STOP for a minute and gave myself a reality check! I’m a nearly 45 year old woman with 5 children, who has lost 2 thirds of my body weight. I have had 28 surgeries in my life and overcome a hell of a lot of things that others never see so I am going to refuse to allow myself to be put down ….. ESPECIALLY by my own internal voice!! I am never going to be perfect and thank fuck for that, who needs that kind of pressure!! so a great big ole finger to you internal mean girl in my head you can shut up tonight coz I’ll be over here listening to my hype girl! She knows that we have totally got this next phase in our journey! I would love to know what you do to get co trol of your self talk xx
Brown town is one topic that makes most of us pretty uncomfortable. We seldom talk about the toilet – except if we are relaying someone else’s funny story ….. But (see what I did there) If you are like me then you may have a bariatraic bitch arse and sometimes it might be difficult in that area…. and other times it may be quite free flowing and fountain like 😳.
One of the things that I didn’t really think about prior to my WLS was how much my toilet habits may change, post op. I have always been a bit on the constipaty type side of things lol! My grandmother used to love to embarrass me with stories of when I was a little tiny girl I would feel a bit bound up so I would go off to the toilet and eat a prune right before I went through the door to the porcelain throne. Over the years things were difficult in the ole pooper department until I was finally diagnosed with Coeliac Disease and from there on pooing was so much better! I became a post meal pooper and all was good in my personal evacuation station.
Anyway fast-forward to my Gastric Bypass and a few things happened. Suddenly I didn’t poop for a week! When you are regular in that department and you know how big it is most days, I was stunned that nothing was coming out! How is this possible 😳 I mean I knew how it was possible – nothing much was going in, so nothing was coming out! I was sent home from hospital on day three with instructions to take coloxyl daily for a while, and sent on my way. By day 7 I was starting to think that my Pooper was broken! (ha ha – it has a crack in it jokes are springing to mind 🤣🤣) And then on day 8, I felt the urge to go.
I went to the toilet and had the most underwhelming tiny toothpaste squirt sized turd. It was an odd colour, it was an odd feeling and that was the first of many strange things in the faeces department.
There have been a couple of other unexpected things that have happened. Like the whale song of my insides! That was an incredibly unexpected and often embarrassing thing to contend with! I have the loudest digestive system known to humankind! That also took some getting used to. I learned not to eat too much at work because it can be a bit embarrassing if ole Ethel decides it’s time to sing her ” thank you for my lunch” song! It doesn’t roar quite as loudly these days during the day, but frequently my insides sings their thanks in the evening!
Another unexpected thing is the gassy belly. She could clear the savannah after every meal! Yes, its true, there are days when I could rival Pumba for most rancid farts and toilet moments! While working, VIPoo is life! I would actually consider it a work expense and I also took air freshener into the office loos with me. At home – well if you come to my bathroom then (keeping with the Lion King Theme) BE PREPARED!
So what has changed in the 3 years since my bypass? Is it easier now? Well I am more used to how strange my bowels can be now so that has helped me to cope with the changes. I learned the fine art of running through the shops with my arse cheeks clenched shut, hips thrust foward, like I was leading with my moo moo, to try to stave off a particularly bad episode of dumping from a boost juice, coz no one wants to shit themselves in public.
These days I know what causes that stuff so I just generally avoid those things – unless I feel like seeing how much my sprint time has improved and it seems worth it at the time OR my ole Ethel is trying to convince me I can’t drink coffee …… in those situations I just do it anyway and clench!!
I found that as the years pass and I can eat more, the terrible constipation episodes have become fewer and further between – however they do still happen from time to time and it is always horrible when they do. I got used to not going to the toilet as frequently, my poo being smaller and I now know how much I have to drink water. By 2 years post op I was taking movicol every second day to try and avoid becoming constipated but I didn’t really want to do that long term since tasteless fibre has come out I thought I would try a fibre supplement again because I am not generally a fan of those things and my tummy can play up and I usually bloat very badly but I haven’t this time so thats been nice. I started slowly and I’ll continue to take it slow. I am only using movicol about 1 time a week now. It isn’t until you have done a crap that stands up in the toilet and nearly touches your butt cheeks and makes you go “HOLY SHIT” how was I keeping that in there, that you can truly appreciate how important it is to avoid getting your constipation on! There are lots of great products out there for constipation! What have you found works for you?
Something that I will admit I still find quite strange, is the fact that I am able to accidentally lose weight! Prior to RNY this NEVER happened. I found with everything in me to be even 1 kilo lighter and if that did happen I felt like I was on top of the world!! These days I can easily find myself 2 or 3 kilos lighter in the space of a week if I do not pay really close attention to all of the relevant nutrition things. I increased my protein this week ahead of my surgery because I want to really heal well and very quickly. I have been doing this slowly for a month or two but I upped it again and BANG off came 2 kilos in two days. This is the balancing act that I am constantly faced with. The fact that we need protein to be healthy but it causes rapid weight loss for me. I feel like it is a continual cycle that I am stuck in and not a nice one to be honest but the reality is that most of the time it is okay. It is just at times like this when I struggle with it all.
This morning the hospital called me just got go through things with me ahead of next Wednesday. I also paid my anaesthetist. In addition to paying him I emailed him to let him know about the fact that I do feel quite anxious this time around. Considering this will be surgery number 28 and I have never spoken to my gas doctor prior to the day before probably says a lot about how I feel. Undoubtedly more will follow but in the mean time I am trying to keep a good attitude going!!
Friday feels like it is looming large for me. It is a big day in my family for a few reasons but for me personally it is endocrinologist day. I am nervous. Mostly because I don’t want there to be something happening with my health but there is. Tonight we filled out the extensive amount of paper work that has to be filled in ahead of the appointment and I noticed that a squirmy feeling has started in the pit of my stomach. I always have that gnawing, unsettled feeling when I am meeting new specialists. Thankfully this is a referral from a well respected surgeon and I have a great deal of faith in his choice. When attending specialists appointments as a big person I experienced a lot of judgement. All of the many comments about my weight hit home and were taken to heart to the point that I still feel nervous even now.
Obviously my weight is not the issue here – well it is and it isn’t. The remedy for the excess weight (my weight loss surgery) may have been the trigger for whatever it is that is happening in my body at the moment – although we won’t really know that until more information is gathered or it could be stress that has triggered this. Whatever it may be – I am over it all. I have been on the new medication for a week and I am having glimpses of feeling okay so I am hopeful that we are on the right track. I still feel pretty crappy most days, but half an hour here and there without terrible symptoms feels like a blessing to me.
I will update when I know more. Much love x
Let’s talk for a minute about the Cost of Bariatric Surgery. Many of us pay quite a sum just to have our surgery in the first place. But the costs that are ongoing are something that we don’t really talk about a lot. That’s not to say that WLS isn’t one of the best descisions I have ever made because it is!! But these are things I didn’t think of beforehand. Some of the things that I have replaced because of weight loss surgery include the following.
- My mattress – I was in pain from lying in my “big me” sized mattress hole.
- All my shoes – I am now 2 sizes smaller
- All of my underwear 4 times over as I found out the hard way one can’t wear undies that are too big and not risk them falling off in public – yep it really happened 🤦🏻♀️
- My car seat – this is a weird one and I upgraded my car because it needed an upgrade anyway BUT the drivers seat was broken because of my bum and my weight.
- My lounge suite because I broke it 😔
- My dining chair – I am going to have to replace the set but am making do for now.
- My entire wardrobe because going from a size 24/26 to a size 4/6 means that nothing from bigger me fits me anymore.
- My supplements and vitamins ongoing but for me the cost of my weekly food and vitamins and supplements is still less than what I used to spend per week on my food (I ate a lot).
- Skin removal surgery – this shot of me there with the excess skin is current. That is after my radical tummy tuck – obviously I require revision surgery because my surgeon thought that a radical tummy tuck would be enough but it wasn’t. When you have as much excess skin as me it is unpredictable how it will respond.
- New glasses coz the old ones fall off my face 😳
As for the plastics, I don’t disclose how much my surgery cost, but the following is a rough guide per area of the body and what you might expect to pay (after private health insurance and Medicare covers the hospital costs and a small payment to the surgeon and the gas doctor) THESE ARE AUSTRALIAN PRICES
$1k-$7k is considered low cost.
$7k-$11k is mid range.
$12k and over is high range.
That is the gap payment as plastic surgeons will charge you a gap fee even if skin removal is deemed medically necessary. The gaps vary from surgeon to surgeon. My recommendation is ONLY USE a PLASTIC SURGEON. If you have private health insurance are in NSW or don’t mind traveling, google ‘The Access Program’ if you want a lower cost option.
Would I do it again? Heck yes! Over and over!! I have a life now and I am so grateful for it.
ET and I are mates 😉
Or perhaps I should call this – How Tasha got her groove back? 🤣 In any case I am finding me again. It’s been a long time coming but I am starting to feel at home in my own skin – possibly for the first time in my adult life.
I feel blessed and grateful 🙌🏻💞 Oh and blonder hair is brewing!
We are approaching the 2 year mark! On the 18th of June, it will be 2 years since I had RNY – Gastric Bypass. It has been a strange time. The changing, the growing, the turning into a different version of me. Dealing with the demons in my past and letting go of things and people that I didn’t want to let go of. In short – life is very different. But different, I am learning, can be a gift – it all depends how you look at it. The wonderful thing about choice is that we get the chance to move ourselves from where we are and position ourselves to have every possible chance to make life long changes.
2 years ago, wow, there is absolutely no way that I imagined that I would be where I am at right now. Getting to be an Australian size 4-6 was NEVER ever part of my plan. I had thought that it would be wonderful to be perhaps a size 12-14 if possible. I have enjoyed so many wonderful and unexpected blessings along the way to being a healthier me. Over the last 7 months I have noticed marked changes. Those who know me best can attest to this also. I have tried to put my finger on what triggered it. I have tried to work and reason it out, mostly without success – until I was chatting with one of a hand full of people that I consider to be part of my inner circle. That circle has 6 people in it. They are the people that I trust unquestioningly and that I know, like I know that I know that I know, love me, without judgement and that I talk to nearly on a daily basis. Here is what has come from our talk.
I realised that I have not allowed myself to process AT ALL, the fact that I was on deaths door when I had my plastic surgery last year. I had a radical tummy tuck with mons lift and muscle repair and a breast lift, reduction and fat grafting. Now I know that we can’t dwell on things because that isn’t healthy, but I am damaged by what happened to me and not dealing with that trauma isn’t healthy either. I need to talk about it so here goes.
I guess I knew it, like……… I knew that I was very very sick. But in truth I didn’t want to admit how close I came to not being here anymore. I didn’t want to have to think about any of it!!! I tried to avoid it, however I can now see that it has changed me in the most profound ways. When I was lying in the ICU, surrounded by doctors trying to get lines in to me and keep my oxygen levels from dipping any lower than they already were, they were asking me “Who should we call for you, do you understand what is happening, you are very very calm, are you sure you understand what is happening”. I am scary calm under pressure. When I was young this was NOT the case. But years change people and I don’t get loud or dramatic now. I go stone cold ….. but this wasn’t that – I was awake to what was happening!
In that moment did I understand what was going on? Yes of course I did. I was fully informed of my risks prior to my surgery. I knew that the massive blood vessels that used to feed my fat had not shrunk and that I had an increased risk of bleeding because of it. I knew that I had internal bleeding. I knew that they had to stabilise me before they moved me to the icu and I knew that the nurse looking after me stayed well past the end of her shift to hold my hand until they moved me. She had caught my head the second time I fainted and when I woke, lying in a crumpled mess of blood and my own urine she was still holding me. (Fun fact, when you pass out, if you need to pee …. well you just do.)She also carefully cut my blood and pee soaked night gown off me – it was too far gone to be kept. She reassured me that she would stay with me until ICU had me and she did. So I knew from those things that it wasn’t good. I have had a lot of surgery, been in hospitals a lot and I knew this was not a “usual” thing. Nurses are incredible people, they see that type of stuff on a daily basis and remain caring and thorough in their care. But she was going far beyond normal.
After the ICU stint and additional surgery was over, I eventually came back to the ward days later and found that my story had preceded me. One of the nurses that had been responsible for my care on the day it all happened, came, found me, hugged me and told me she was so glad that I was alright. I remembered her on sight and called her by name. She said “oh you remember!” I said “Yes, the doctor told me to focus on your faces and not let myself float off!” So that is what I did. There was a long period of time where they couldn’t get my blood pressure to read or find a pulse. That was not great. This was during the time when they were trying to stabilise me. I kept wanting to shut my eyes and sleep but they told me it wouldn’t be sleep if I did that so I had to stay awake.
I knew what that meant. I fought to not let myself float off and tried so very hard to stay with them. Loud shoutings of my name brought me round time and time again. Multiple failures to locate veins because my body didn’t want to cooperate didn’t even bother me, I was being jabbed with needles and I didn’t care. I was fading away and I knew I was. In that moment I made some decisions. I did decide that if I woke up after the emergency surgery I needed to stop the internal bleeding, I was not going to live my life afraid of what people would think of me anymore. I wasn’t going to wear any type of face to please others and that I was going to be kind and assume the best of people no matter what.
So did I understand what was happening? Yes, I absolutely knew and I told the very lovely doctor that yes I understood, and as she held my hand she made no promises – which I appreciated! I loved the fact that she didn’t say to me “oh don’t even worry, you will be fine!” Because I was bleeding out on the inside and I wasn’t fine! I like real and value it when people don’t bullshit me.
No one of my contacts that the intensivist called were answering – it was 1 am so naturally people were asleep, but they were anxious to let someone know that I was not okay. In that moment my mind was drawn to the person that I knew would not answer me and as tears rolled down my face and my heart broke a little bit more than it had before, I knew who would answer me, I called my Dad. When I was a kid and was hit by a car he knew something was the matter and was frantically trying to get info before anyone knew what had happened. The phone rang once and he answered with “hello baby are you okay!” The intensivist was holding the phone to my ear as I said “no Dad I’m not, please keep calling Steve, try to wake someone up. They are taking me back to theatre, I love you Dad I have to go” and with that I ended the call. The doctor finally managed to get my Aramis to answer and he spoke to the doctor and went and got his dad. Steve ran into the ICU as I was being wheeled through the doors to go to theatre. Do they call families in to the hospital at 1:00 am very often? Well I already know the answer to that. They don’t. They had told me that I may be kept sedated – it would depend how things went. I don’t really remember waking up but I know it was hours later and I know that Steve was there all night waiting for me. Then he had to go, after sitting up all night waiting for news of me, to get the boys and drive them to Melbourne to the airport to catch their flights.
When I saw Steve’s face at around 11am that day the look of exhaustion and concern was so evident to me. He had arrived back from the airport to sit beside my bed in the ICU. I just wanted to cry for him. I know what it is like to sit in one of those rooms watching machines and listening for alarms that were going off very frequently. No family nearby to help him and carrying the weight of everything on his shoulders. Thankfully my Dad made provisions to take time off work and flew from the Gold Coast to Geelong to be with Steve and I. Our boys were being loved on by family in QLD and I got to rest, heal and think about all of the ways I would rewrite my story. I was going to really live! No more bench sitting! And most of all, how I would stop pulling my punches. So in that spirit let me tell you that the skin removal and tummy tuck surgery has changed my life and it was worth it BUT it was really fricken hard and many tears were shed over the process of my recovery! I didn’t know I could cry so much or that I would emerge from this so changed.
I am excited for the next chapter of my story. I am looking forward to how the rest of 2020 will unfold. Let’s face it – the first part has been less than ideal but I am getting ready for a comeback story! I am dreaming of days with family and friends, living with intention and purpose, being kinder and more open, taking less and giving more. Xx
There are a couple of things that have been on my mind lately and as always I am wanting to open up a dialogue about them. I can remember when I was first contemplating WLS again back in 2017. This was after my failed and horrendous lap band fiasco at the hands of a surgeon in QLD. I had my doubts that WLS was really going to be a good idea for me and I also wondered how effective it would be in the long term.
I do not jump into things without truck loads of research first. I read medical journal posts, I read the Monash studies, I read the US medical pages, I read THOUSANDS of posts from sites all over the globe (yes I am the info lover)!!! I read posts from normal people, like you and me, who typed things like “60lbs gone forever” “70 kilos gone for good” and I used to wonder, “wow is that true? What makes that true? I know people that have had WLS and regained……. so what is the difference? How do we define success?” On and on and on my questions would go. That rabbit hole does have a bottom but it probably isn’t always popular to talk about.
Eventually I got past asking my 56 billion questions because I was so tired of my life becoming more and more limited by my ever growing size! I also realised that no one, no surgeon, no matter how spotless their reputation, no WLS guru, no body could tell me that I was going live a complication free, thin life for the rest of my life after surgery! I wanted, for years, to not be responsible for my outcome. I was actually looking for some kind of reassurance that bypass or The Switch would be my “golden ticket” and I would be able to keep up my unhealthy relationship with food – just eat less of it. If I am honest, and it is only in the last few days that I have been bold enough to admit that my TOTAL reason for delaying having WLS again after my band was because I was frightened that I would have to change my relationship with food and I didn’t want to.
Finally I got to the point where I decided that any weight loss, however small, had to help! So in June of 2018 I bit the bullet, jumped up onto the operating table and had RNY. Since then I have learned a lot of different things! One of the most frustrating is that there isn’t a standard “one size fits most” approach in the way to walk the journey after WLS. Everyone has different thoughts and opinions – this makes it so interesting but it also can be very scary and frustrating at times. What I have learned is that I cannot eat the same diet I used to have and expect that my results will be good in the long term. What I eat has changed and will never be the same again. I have learned that for me – changing my relationship with food would transform my whole life.
I have learned that food is not my comfort, my treat or my friend, it’s just a tool to fuel my body and I have learned that I have to face my emotional shit and I hate that part!! I don’t eat my feelings anymore. This has been harder than I bargained for but I know it will pay off in the long run. I have also learned that sometimes their are complications that we just have to work through!! I didn’t plan to get as thin as I have so that has taken some adjusting to. But I am grateful for an amazing team and brilliant friend here that support me.
It is not about being a certain weight or a size for me. It’s about knowing how to work with my body, giving it what it needs to be healthy and how to be resilient when the challenges come. It is about keeping in mind the reason that I did this and understanding that I am not a powerless victim of circumstances. I decide how this story plays out so if I am knocked down then it’s on me to get back up. I have been knocked down for a few months now but I am back up again 🙂 I didn’t want to get back up. My heart has been broken and I wanted to stay down and stay hurting. What woke me is I have seen the way that my kids have been broken. The tears of my boys are the fuel that drives me and they NEED to see me get up, so I am! It’s okay to feel a bit lost at times, and it’s okay to say “I need help” it is also good when you can finally see clearly again. We got this guys and I refuse to wallow anymore.
Motivation Monday! If you haven’t danced like a crazy girl in a pink wig on a table top and don’t have a rainbow wall and a disco ball in your dining room have you really lived ?? 🤣
You know, this isolation business is hard but for me, it’s the safest thing for me to do. That kick arse, beyond terrified of failing – but still brave enough to do it anyway, tired of being downtrodden, bigger version of me went through far too much to be here in this moment, for me to waste even a single day! I lived a shell of a life for the best part of two decades and I used my size to sideline myself from the fun, the crazy, the silly and the things that I wanted to do! It is hard right now but don’t let our current circumstances suck every bit of joy out of life. You are worth celebrating right now! You have breath in your lungs! You have the power to decide to make the very best of today. I may feel heart broken and I might be struggling but I will not let those things rob me of the joy of living in the moment. Life is full of mountain tops and valley experiences and if you are in a valley – well get on the damn table with me and let hope fill you up. Better days ARE coming xx