I was recently asked if I would consider gathering together my thoughts concerning the process I have walked through over these past few years and collate them into a book. The bibliophile in me wanted to simultaneously break into the most joyous and undignified form of “the happy dance” I have ever performed and, contrastingly hide, yes hide, right under the pile of sleeping bags that lurk in the very back corner of my walk in robe. So now that I have outed my secret hiding place AND actually know how it feels to jump out of bed, slam my lap top shut, run to another room and stare vacantly out of a perfectly good window for half an hour, while needlessly panicking, I thought I best work out what perturbed me so much about being asked to fulfil a long held, secretly guarded dream.
The day that I had weight loss surgery was the day that I started to systematically dismantle my excuses. Yes that is as horrific as it sounds. I took them – gathered them in my hands, struck the match and watched them burn. Being fat was my safety net. It was my reason for sitting back and allowing myself to be incredibly discontent with my mediocrity but comfortable in its embrace at the very same time. I disqualified myself before I did things. My inner monologue was destructive and vile and I managed to keep myself from ever trying most anything new. My fatness precluded me from most physical activities and I allowed it to keep me from most academic, social and even spiritual ones. So, with my fatness now removed and my dream knocking on the door of my life – what does it all mean! Well, it means that if I don’t do it I have to have the balls to say “I don’t want to” which is a lie. Or it means saying “I am afraid of failing” see, being fat, for me was like accepting a perpetual state of failure – I felt like a failure every day and in almost every way. Now that I don’t feel like that all the time and my excuse to not do things has been removed – I feel frightened to fail again – but there is this little voice, it’s quiet but growing stronger and it says “BUT WHAT IF YOU DONT FAIL!”
Hmmmm what indeed!!