Today I am feeling better than I thought I would be. Yes I am sore still but that soreness is becoming less and less. There is some pressure in the middle of my tummy that I am wondering about? Perhaps a seroma or perhaps something else. Anyway I am going to mention it to the nurse when I see them today.
All of my positive vibes and happy feelings seem to be pouring into healing at the moment and I am tending to find it a little bit of a challenge to write to you all. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I don’t just want to spew forth a whole jumble of unhelpful paragraphs that show the extent to which I have been affected by this surgery. I have however, been very affected.
I find myself jolting awake in the middle of the night with that feeling like I need to fight away the feeling of floating off. I find myself seeing my blood soaked nighty in the bin and the bin overflowing with other blood soaked items. Their presence in the bin and in my room made my experience all the more real. Perhaps I didn’t really pass out in the hospital, perhaps I didn’t really fall to the floor, perhaps my blood wasn’t really everywhere and perhaps my nightgown wasn’t really a blood soaked mess that couldn’t be saved? But unfortunately that is exactly what it was. I try not to let my mind repeat these things on a loop but it is and interrupting that loop is hard. I do it, daily I force myself to think about the wonderful things, but my brain keeps going back there, trying to make sense of it and forcing me to relive it.
I guess it is safe to say that my PTSD has come back again. We met before, a long time ago. I don’t talk about that time in my life but suffice it to say that I walked through it changed profoundly, and forever. I didn’t want to define myself in that way again but at the moment it fits. At the moment I have to avoid stressful situations, at the moment I have to focus on happy things. At the moment I can’t watch the news. At the moment some questions trigger really black thoughts and I know that I am fighting much harder than I should be to keep my mind positive. At the moment I guess I am fragile. I hate admitting that but it is the honest truth of the matter. So I am doing the be kind to myself thing.
I will write more after my appointment with the nurse this afternoon.
Lots of love Tash