Anxiety And Barrier Breaking

Today was a big big day in our lives. My little boy, my baby, graduated from Junior school and will embark upon his journey into the big wide world of Middle school in 2020. I sat in his graduation ceremony with a big ball of emotion in my chest but was determined to make sure that it did not well up and come out of my eyes! I am so proud of my little guy! He had an incredibly hard year. People in general and no one except our immediate family know what we have gone through – what this little boy has gone through. I am so grateful to his teacher – she has been an incredible influence and made an indelible mark upon my littlest treasure boy. He is good for my heart and I am thankful every day that I get to be his Mumma. Years pass far too quickly. Time marches on far too fast and honestly my heart hurts just thinking of it.

2020 represents so many things to my family. It is the last year of my eldest son being at home, the big wide world is calling him. 2021 will be the start of University, dorm life, his own space and adulthood are approaching with his younger brother hot on his heels. I am so excited for them. They are wonderful boys, brave, ambitious, clever and self sufficient. At the same time I am gutted for myself. None of this is about me, I have done this before – I know that parenthood is not about me – but my heart breaks at the hole that I know will be left when he is gone.

I am not sure that it would be possible to have a year like we have had and come out of it the same. I have been gripped by anxiety in a way that was completely suffocating and I think if you are the same after this type of year that you are probably at best a very foolish person, and at the worst, a total imbecile. 2019 has been the year of change for me and I am determined to go even harder in 2020. I refuse to allow myself to sit back and be fearful behind invisible barriers of my own creation. There are so many things that I want to do, so many things that I want to experience as a person and as a mum. Look out world. I haven’t even started yet!

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Someone that decided enough was enough and believed that she could change her stars.

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