There are a lot of things in this world that I find confusing. I don’t understand why rain sometimes seems to blow in sideways, I don’t understand how coffee seems to hug me from the inside or why Bono’s voice can soothe me, no matter my mood. I also don’t understand why we put on airs and graces, or feel compelled to embellish things to impress others. I mean yes, I do get why, but I hate it and therefore this post is a tribute to raw honesty.
Have you ever been in a situation where you were looking at something and it made you feel uncomfortable but you just couldn’t turn away? Well, imagine if that was your body. I know that so many people can relate to this because in general, we, the human race, seem to continuously look for ways to make ourselves feel better or be better (I have a whole theory about that but that is just not for today – today I am ticked off at myself for hating me for even a few minutes) I can stick my hand up and say “Yep, 100% – I felt akin to something that no one wants to step in” when I was 140+ kilos and even now – there are days when I look at myself, feel uncomfortable and I inwardly turn away.
Today I have inwardly turned away. Today I started back at the gym. It was a GREAT feeling. OMG working out again – THIS IS HUGE FOR ME!! I never thought I would see the inside of a gym again. No cardio for me because any weight loss would be a very very bad idea but I LOVED using weights again. I hope that my muscles remember how they used to look all those years ago! So I finished leg day, I have a sore bum coz squats =🍑 and I want a 🍑 not a 🥞 ….. I felt great chatting with my work out buddy on our way home and once I was home I went and stood in the bathroom and the reality of my body right now gripped me.
I had moments like this all the time when I was fat, I would turn away from the mirror, run to the fridge, stand in front of it and feel myself become calmer as I opened the door, I would stuffed my face with some carb loaded abomination and by the time I finished eating it, the tears had stopped but the self loathing would increase 100 fold. That was my coping mechanism, my drug of choice and that would make the problem worse. This morning standing in front of the mirror, I felt all of the same emotions come bubbling up to the surface – the self loathing, the wanting to be different, the wanting to feel beautiful just once, the wishing that I was attractive and even the old, old disconnectedness with certain parts of my body came rushing to the forefront of my mind. At that point I had to turn away, but I stopped, shut my eyes, calmed myself and then turned back the fuck around, and eyeballed myself and said “ABSOLUTELY NOT !!!! YOU HAVE NOT COME THIS FAR TO HATE YOURSELF TODAY!”
Today I will not let myself wallow in self pity. I will celebrate how far I have come. Not perfect and not everyones cup of tea but thats okay too. I guess today I wanted to write this to say don’t be so hard on yourself, we all go through things that we never talk about. We all carry things inside of us that we wish weren’t there or that we wish we could easily change – the truth is that all of us are a mess. Our mess may look different but we all have them just the same. Learning to love ourselves and find the worth and value is the trick. Thats why I refuse to be anything other than me. If its raw and a bit edgy, well thats okay – this proverbial pig has no lipstick on it and I like it that way.