When I started my Weight loss surgery ummm (I HATE THE TERM JOURNEY) super future (MUCH COOLER THAN JOURNEY – LETS FACE IT IT JUST IS) I really had no idea what to expect. I was hoping that I wouldn’t fail like I did when I had lap band. I was hoping that if I had complications my surgeon would be great and not hang me out to dry like ole mate evil surgeon did when we lived on the Sunny Coast. I was hoping that I would get to perhaps 75 kilos – if I was very lucky! I was hoping that I would look good in a pair of jeans, that I would be able to go out with my family and enjoy time with them and not be wondering if they were feeling embarrassed because of my appearance. I was hoping to bury the demons of insecurity and self doubt that had dogged me my whole adult life. I was hoping to be able to put to bed the childhood trauma that caused the destructive cycle of overeating to begin with. I was filled with hope but I was also filled with fear. Every single day was a fear and anxiety filled melting pot of tumultuous emotions.
When surgery happened back in June 2018 the weight quickly fell off. I quickly realised that I had one of the best gastric surgeons in Australia well and truly in my corner and I did not need to be afraid of being left to suffer if something was wrong and things did become difficult for quite some time. I realised my dreams of looking good in a pair of jeans and I went 25 kilos lower than the weight that I had hoped to achieve (HECK YES) BUT the emotional baggage is not as easily dealt with as the physical baggage has been.
Do you ever sit down in your quiet times and allow your mind to weave you a story of your days to come? Do you dream of how things will be and all of the magnificent and mundane events that will become part of the tapestry that is your ‘mind tale’ in order for it to become your real-life happily ever after? I associated so many things about my life with the fact that I had been fat. Fat was my excuse – as it turns out – it really was an excuse because now that I am not fat, I am in fact very thin, I STILL HAVE THE SAME DEMONS. Fat was not my enemy – my thought life was my enemy and my inability to reign myself in in a healthy way is what led to my morbid obesity. My teenagers call it my “Chungus Phase” 😂 I gobbled up my emotions, my fears, my feelings of self loathing, my insecurity, the abuse that I had suffered – I ate it all.
Now that I am 50 kilo light weight and no longer able to perform impressive acts of Chungusness – I am learning that I have to manage my emotions in new ways. I freely admit that some days I am great at this and some days I am absolutely terrible at it! Some days when I start feeling like I used to before I would overeat I go for a walk and clear my head, do some deep breathing and meditate on some uplifting things, go to the gym, talk with friends etc etc and I am okay. BUT ……. there are also days when I am NOT okay, when I don’t do those productive things, when I just cry because the anxiety and fears from the past well up inside of me and start leaking out of my eyes. When my own feelings of inadequacy and my shortcomings as a person make me want to hide under my blankets for the day and avoid all human interaction. It isn’t so that I can wallow – its so that I can reset myself, try to stop my heart from banging out of my chest, try to stop myself catastrophizing everything and to avoid other self destructive behaviours. I am kinder to myself these days. I have finally come to accept myself / warts and all.
I absolutely am imperfect, there are things about me that I do not like but there are also a lot of things about me that are pretty great. I have finally come to terms with the fact that the stories that my mind weaves are just that – stories. We get to have a say in the way that our ever after rolls out. Your super future is yours! We can chose what becomes part of our lifes’ tapestry, we get to chose the threads that are woven in to our story. I for one, when this story ends, pray that there is evidence of love for others, an indomitable spirit and I hope that in all I do, I learn to chose kind – even and perhaps most especially to myself.