I have done a lot of things for a long time with other people in mind. I kept thinking – life will be better when…… When I have finished my diplomas, when I lose weight, when I have skin removal surgery, when I can get the job that I want, when, when, when ……. and the reality of that type of thought train is that it never actually pulls in to a station. Have you noticed that you never actually arrive at the destination of promised nirvana? Perhaps it’s just me? That is actually very possible because I have always been highly driven. However, I have come to realise that I HAVE TO SLOW DOWN. I have to take time to look at the things that truly matter in my life and learn to appreciate them while I have them.
Lately I am tired. This is me honestly unpacking the last few months. September 2019 was skin removal surgery and the recovering from that was more horrific than I anticipated. My post surgical complications have caused me to develop PTSD….I already had mild anxiety issues so it’s been HARD. I don’t like to talk about this stuff. Actually I hate it because it makes me feel vulnerable and I don’t want to be vulnerable but the truth is – I am.
2019 was a struggle on every level for us and 2020 hasn’t really been much easier. There are wonderful bright spots but there are some huge unknowns that gnaw away at me and from time to time I find myself falling in a heap. I am in a heap today. I am adulting because I have to, I am out doing what needs to be done because I have to but inside I am on shakey ground. Steve requires medical intervention for an injury which is a massive deal for us. It worries me and it makes me feel very helpless as I can’t do more than I currently am doing.
Physically I am often asked how I am doing. Anyone that has seen me in person of late will know that I am very thin. Thin is not the problem. Thin/normal BMI/healthy was the goal, I am at the bottom end of the healthy weight range for my height so I am okay in that department. What is more concerning is the malabsorption of nutrients, the low blood pressure, and the continual battle to not have my weight dropping because I have been doing a physical job that causes me to burn more calories than I can consume. I’m not whinging, I accept responsibility for the choices that I have made and I know that my life, to this date is the sum of my own decisions. But it has been challenging in so many ways.
Speaking of decisions – Some of mine have been brilliant and others have been horrific but hey, that’s half the fun of life isn’t it? I am always reminded by my psychologist and by good friends, to “look at the positives in life” so today I am looking – I have my magnifying glass out and I am trying to find those positives. Actually they aren’t that hard to find – even on the hard days. Even on my shakey days! You know what I am going to call this the last paragraph for the day. I could keep writing but sometimes unpacking needs to be put aside for a bit!! So I am going to go find some sun and sit in it and just be a person for a while. Thanks for reading