When the warrior takes a knee

This week was a strange, strange week. I am thinking about all that has happened and trying to come to terms with how I feel. 2020 frequently brings out the warrior in me. The part of my personality that is determined to fight with EVERYTHING that I am for my family and for those that I love is fierce, but she is also, thankfully, older and wiser now. As the second wave of covid-19 sweeps through Victoria, we have not been untouched. Gosh, I wish I could go into all of the ways that we have been impacted by this thing – but I won’t. I won’t because there is no point, others have it far worse than we do, but the point is that we have been impacted. When my heart decided to misbehave in March we knew that change was necessary. When 2 of our kids ended up needing trauma counselling and Steve had surgery……well, we knew that things were going to have to change and change they have.

I have learned that fighting is less necessary if you trust. There is something about the conviction of a person who knows exactly where they are heading and is fully convinced that they are going to reach their destination. I find myself spending less time fighting and more time being profoundly thankful in each moment. I used to believe that all the trials that we face in life are bad. I was of the opinion that if it is a trial then it is evil but I have truly dismissed that type of value system – I think perhaps Jane Austen had it right “misfortunes, we are told, are sent to test our fortitude and may often reveal themselves as blessings in disguise”. I am not just thankful in my situation, I am thankful for the opportunities that come BECAUSE of my situation. Yes it may be a shituation that you find yourself in. Some things suck balls and there is no two ways around that kinda saltiness but the wonderful thing about shituations is that if we got ourselves into it, then there is also a way out of it. If I had not found myself in the most uncomfortable and troubling place that I have ever been in emotionally, I would never have been willing to make the changes that I NEEDED TO MAKE. Sometimes we bring things on ourselves because we are stubborn, sometimes we just have to let things go, sometimes we bring things on ourselves out of ignorance and sometimes shit just happens because it does. Thankfully we have the opportunity to decide if we will suck the lemon that life tossed our way. We can take that bitter pill and let it skew our thinking, or we can decide that we are gonna mix the bitter with some good stuff and turn that crap into something that will quench our thirst. Make lemonade out of the lemons that life tossed your way.

For me, well I needed to change. I know that now. I have stopped fighting and started trusting. I needed a different job, I needed more time with my boys and they needed things too and everything has been taken care of. Did any of that happen how I thought it would – ummmmm nope it didn’t. And that is the thing – we do not have to have total control over each step of the process, we simply have to trust that the right doors will open. The ones that are meant for us, and that they will be there at the right time. That is my current lesson – waiting for doors đŸ™‚

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Someone that decided enough was enough and believed that she could change her stars.

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