Chronic conditions are hard. They really and truly are. There is no way, looking at me, that someone would know what my body goes through on a daily basis and that is probably a very good thing. I am good at keeping things under wraps. On the surface – yes I am thin but there is nothing else that is easily on display. My physical struggles are not out there for the world to know. On the surface I am fine but when you dig a little bit deeper, and look a little more closely there is a tiredness that comes from the continual fight.
When I was diagnosed with reactive hypoglycaemia I was absolutely terrified of what that would mean for me in the long term and if the truth is told … I still am scared of it. Today, once again, I sat in the doctors office, with yet another infection that is a result of massive weight loss and once again I have antibiotics to take and to apply to my body. My blood sugar levels have been incredibly unpredictable again while I have been unwell and I felt very very defeated. I walked into the chemist to have my scripts filled and I just felt lonely. I put my scripts in with the chemist and stood back to wait my turn for them to be filled. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed an elderly gentleman and he hobbled over to me to have a little chat. This happens to me most times when I leave the house, I am not sure why but I really do love talking to old darlings. As he turned to leave he said “thank you for the chat little Darl’en” and I promptly burst into tears in the middle of the pharmacy – talk about embarrassing – but in that moment he sounded like my poppy. That is what he used to call me, either that or little Chicky. By this time the old man was apologising and so was I as I hurried to explain the reason for my tears and also to reassure my friendly chemist that I was, in fact, okay and not totally losing the plot in the middle of his shop.
I paid for my scripts, promptly left and cried all the way home. I cried for the life that I used to have. I cried for the times that I miss and for the way that things were………………..but by the time I got home I was reminding myself that I also have a future ahead of me. Today was hard but giving up hope is harder. I refuse to give up.