You guys on here you honestly make me feel like I can do anything and I am so grateful for the support you give to me. I appreciate your likes, comments, messages and every positive thought that you send my way! I am thankful for my family and for their patience as I am changing! This path I have chosen to walk down is changing me.
I am learning that while I can talk a great talk, say all the right things, and even know all the right things, I have had a shocking lack of self belief. My inner monologue has been bad for the past few days.
I can appear all brave and bold with the change that is happening. But I haven’t really talked about all the times I have called my Mum, crying in despair at what I have done to myself. I have lost count of the amount of times I have eaten my half a cup of food and thought crap! Why did I have to get this sucky short straw! I have 10% of my stomach and sometimes it’s scary.
I have messaged my sister and my brother to have huge whinges to them on the days when I can’t eat a damn thing. The other evening I was dumping and I messaged my brother who kept talking to me while I was sick 12 times. I have shared my food woes, my bikini selfies (be glad I don’t share them with you guys) my hatered of my loose skin! On the days when I am sick early in the morning they know that will mean I can’t eat all day. I love them for their compassion and their listening ears.
I freely admit that I was actively hating on a sweet little thing sitting near me at dinner the other evening – she devoured plate after plate of food and I thought to myself “Cow!” Then slapped myself for being mean and just kind of felt a bit sad. “Why can’t I eat a normal plate of food and not become a whale!” Then I remind myself what my new normal plate of food is. Measure out 1/2 a cup of dinner tonight and see how much more than that you usually eat. I was shocked to see how small half a cup is.
I felt somewhat brave when I cut my hair, until I felt the cold back of the scissors on my neck and then I had a panic attack! I quietly died a little on the inside because my hair was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. I came home, told Mum I was pretty much bald, told Turie the same thing, and put myself in bed for an hour LOL – first world problems right there 😕
Let’s face it, in light of the many things that are happening in our world that represent true tragedy, my tiny tummy and it’s evils, don’t rate but I still have to cheer myself on. I am realising that an unshakable belief in my value as a person, not based on appearance or what I can do, is something that I have to cultivate because I haven’t. I should have done it years ago, I should have been as kind to myself as I have been to others but meh, I am doing it now!!
No longer pre diabetic! That’s a good feeling!