WHY, why do I ALWAYS feel worse after I go to see these people? I NEVER feel unburdened and I always feel like my life sounds unbelievable in my own ears, let alone to someone else. Ugh! Is this the residual cynicism that seems to be part of my “post ministry idealistic phase”? Thank’s for all those ” only ever talk up” talks that I had the misfortune of listening to over the years. When in ministry in the movement that I was in, one was encouraged to only talk to those who rank more highly than you about serious problems. This practice honestly did zip to help me – but it did cause me to question myself at every turn and it had the affect of isolating me. Is there something a little gas lighty about shaping the reality of others and isolating them from their peers? But that is a whole other topic and a whole other day 😏😏 (Oh how thankful I am to have been unplugged from that matrix) Is this just my natural inclination towards questioning EVERYTHING? Is this just me massively overthinking everything and really just being myself? You know what it is probably all of the above.
Something I have learned over the years is that there are very few people that will willingly walk through a challenging time with you. Everyone wants to be there on the mountain tops, everyone wants to be around in the positive, energised, life dominating seasons that we walk through. However, there are few people that will still be there, walking right beside you when you are a “hurt blurting” mess. I am blessed to have people that have and do walk beside me and put up with my pain and accept the days when I am struggling and cant even speak because if I do I won’t stop crying! So after seeing the psychologist today ….. well I feel worse so that’s fun 😂 But thankfully tomorrow is a brand new day. Be kind to yourself lovely ones because if you aren’t then no one else will be. xx