Over the past few weeks life has been difficult here. I have struggled terribly with some personal situations and quite honestly I have wanted to fall back into old habits. It is easy to be virtuous and a lover of all things health, when no one is asking you hard questions, when your heart isn’t breaking, and when you feel well able to cope with life. This is not my current experience.
For 33 years (I was about 10 when my eating disorder began to manifest itself) I have been aware that I used food to help me with inner turmoil. I was anorexic by the time I was 11 and I suffered with bulimia well into my late 30’s. Binge eating was a way of life for me.
The best way to explain the way that it felt to binge is that it took me into a place of calm. The things on my mind melted away and I focused my attention on the joy that would come from my next mouthful. I would open my mouth and feel my troubles start to slip to the back of my mind. The food was the thing that frequently calmed my anxiety and I used it ALL DAY EVERY DAY. That is how I became as large as I was. I was a closet eater. It was kind of obvious that I loved eating – You don’t get to be this size because you don’t eat. 👇🏻
I have spoken to so many people that tell me “I don’t eat much, I don’t know why I am so big” Excluding medical reasons – consuming more calories than we burn IS how we are overweight. It sucks but it’s true 😫 It doesn’t kid anyone when we don’t take responsibility. I thought that I was fooling everyone and nearly had myself convinced that my little problem wasn’t really that bad. I cannot believe how much I used to eat on a daily basis. I consumed at LEAST 3500 to 4500 calories a day. I can now cop to my dysfunctional relationship with food AND just when I felt I was getting a good grasp on it all, I have found that I could easily fall back into damaging habits given the “perfect storm” set of circumstances.
Over the last few days I have felt an overwhelming urge to eat. The urge has been at the same level that it used to be. I have wanted so badly to just put food in my mouth and feel my worries melt away. It isn’t logical or rational to think that food will fix anything and I know that but I hate feeling like I do. I have struggled with my mental health in recent days. I felt myself slipping and struggled with depression. The difference is that I CANNOT eat the volume of food required to give me that calm feeling anymore. So what do I do now?
My coping strategies haven’t been keeping up with the levels of stress. And that is how I identify that I need help. Right now it seems like smashing a tub of ice cream or eating a few cheese and bacon pies would be a good idea 🤣🤣 My post WLS reality is that I can fit half a cup of food in per meal, so I can’t do what I want to do. It frustrates me and has caused me to feel unusually overwhelmed. I have tried a lot of things ….. I am currently at a Trauma Psychologist waiting for my appointment along with my kids, I am working out, I am letting myself feel the negative emotions and letting myself cry. I have struggled to do that because of years and years of being accused of overreacting. Well 🖕🏻 to everyone that ever said that to me – I am just as entitled to emotions as the next person 💞 In this hard time I have found such kindness and I am grateful to the kind souls in my life that have been there for me and for my family. This is still a victory story and I am thankful for where I am at – but I am also thankful that I am not stopping right here.
Hard days do pass and no matter how black and dark things seem there is Hope. For me right now, lots of redirecting my thoughts, lots of keeping myself occupied with other things and lots of giving my brain other – positive things to work on. I don’t feel positive and please don’t bother whopping me with the Jesus stick. I can out quote most anyone I know with Bible and would bash myself with it if I thought it would help at the moment.
So for me today – Hope looks like thinking about my birthday and not totally hating the idea of celebrating it. Even though it’s hard right at this moment. All Gluten free cake suggestions and recipes warmly welcomed. Oh and does anyone have any great blogs that I could read on indoor plants. I am not overly great at caring for them but I am hoping to improve!