Always be a little afraid when I start out with a title like “Lets Be Honest” because I intend to pull no punches today. This is raw and uncut and I am not going to delete this because I am concerned that it may offend. Haha – I know right – people think that I just say it and you know what, I often don’t. I have come to understand that over the years sometimes the best way for me to be kind is for me to be quiet but today isn’t a quiet kind of day.
So it’s Sunday morning – and in spite of my misgivings concerning the institution that is “the church” and what I know of is underbelly, having served in leadership capacities within numerous branches of it, for 25 years of my life, I am usually found in church on a Sunday morning. Come hell (haha did you see what I did there) or high water – there are some truths that I believe as much as I believe that we breathe oxygen, that gravity keeps us on the planet and toilet paper is in short supply because in Australia, clearly the worst thing that can happen is that we can’t wipe our arses with our usual “love ya bum” brand of loo paper should the corona virus cause mass quarantine measures – and those truths are as much a part of me as my arms and legs are. Truths like, I love people, I love God etc. At the moment while my world feels like it is upside down, those are the things that I cling on to.
This morning I lay in bed, unable to motivate myself to do my usual Sunday thing. This is the reason why. I am not okay at the moment. I don’t want to be fake, pretend to smile and be happy clappy. I will be, (not fake and happy clappy oh my lawd that part of me has thankfully been put to rest) eventually okay, but right now I’m not. This is also not a cry for attention or help or anything else – OH my Gosh it is not a cry for those things. When I feel like this I am happy to be left alone. I don’t like to be a burden to others and honestly I am hard work right now. I know I am and I don’t want to inflict myself upon anybody. But I also know that there is nothing to be said that will help.
This simple statement “I am not okay” carries with it soooooooooo many different reasons why – but the most obvious and relevant to this blog is my weight, or lack thereof. Physically, my weight has fallen to the lowest that it has been in my adult life. It’s because of stress. This is alarming and yes I am concerned. Have you seen me lately in person? I wear kids size 9 jeans and its not for lack of eating that my weight has fallen – yeah I can’t eat a lot but I do eat! So we are back to fighting for the calories to be enough that the weight loss will stop. The dietician has given me ideas, the psychologist has given me ideas, the well meaning yet inappropriate receptionist at the doctors office gave me ideas, the rude lady at Coles who told me that I clearly don’t eat the chips so could I move over, in the chip aisle clearly had ideas ……. but honestly what I need the most is calm. I need peace and for things to just be a little slower for a while.
Sometimes there isn’t a quick fix or an answer that can be reached by just clicking our fingers. Sometimes we walk through valleys and that takes time and hopefully we learn whatever it is that we need to learn while we are walking that path. It’s human nature to want things fixed instantly. We crave resolution and we like to have things where we want them to be but that isn’t always possible. Sometimes we have to just hold space in our hard seasons and look at what we can learn about ourselves. I am looking at me and hoping and praying that I become a better, kinder and more authentic person through this season. I have walked through a lot of valleys in my life. It’s always easy to be jovial when you are on your mountain tops but when it is valley time there seems to be a perception that there is something wrong with us. I have learned that I am NOT BROKEN because I am struggling. Everyone does, some people are just more honest about it than others. “Oh she is always down lately”. Well perhaps some shit things have taken place and there is no fixing it, its a valley. And they happen in life. We don’t generally run through valleys. Have you ever physically walked through one? I have and one thing that I have noticed nearly everyone does in that kind of space is make noise because it echos back! In my valley times I make noise, I cry, I question everything, I am filled with all kinds of fears and self doubt BUT I have also learned that what I truly believe is eventually what comes out, I have grown in the valley because I had to learn to trust myself!
Initially I yell and scream and listen to my own echo, I feel sorry for myself that I am here in the valley (why the hell can’t we live our life from one spectacular victory to another ….. it would be so much less messy) annnnnnnd – Then I usually wish that someone would help me out of the damn valley and simultaneously have my” holy shit” I’m in a valley realisation. By the time I reach that point I am actively looking to change whatever in ME that needs to change to walk out of that season – ultimately it just takes time to traverse that valley. That’s were I am at right now and I know that this too shall pass. I know that valleys come and before I know it I will be climbing mountains again but right now I am walking slowly, working on hard things in me. Sorry that this isn’t all unicorn farts and rainbows but that crap isn’t real. Real people go through shit things – those things don’t define us – how we rise and keep walking forward says more about who we are and where our hope is anchored to than anything else.