50 Shades of – well you know ;)

Sorry I have been a little bit silent over the past week or so. My health has struggled since my plastic surgery last year. My mental health took a tumble for a few weeks also – Hey thats okay. Walk a mile in someones shoes and all that stuff and we often find that things are not what we thought that they would be. The older I get the more shades of grey I see and I am realising that it’s okay to say “Hey, I’m not okay right now” and if they don’t hear you – well repeat it in no uncertain terms so that they do. This is that repeat message.

Last weekend I noticed that I wasn’t feeling okay. I had experienced a few funny episodes where my chest felt weird. Instant thoughts of covid-19, extreme reflux or omg I just need sleep, what is wrong with me …. blah blah blah started to fill my mind. Eventually I laughed all of it off and continued doing the usual things but noticed that I was still having that weird sensation at times. It felt like my chest was squeezing and not letting go, like someone was sitting on my upper chest and then the pain started to run down my arm. It went on like this for a few hours on and off but then, when the pain went up into my jaw – well I decided that it was hospital time.

There was no waiting in the waiting room, there was none of that. I was straight into emergency and hooked up to heart monitors. My heart rate liked to spike and do really crazy things but there was one topic that would drive it through the roof every single time. The doctors said that in times of stress, ones heart can behave in an unpredictable way. It can do strange things and it was important for me to stay in the hospital until they worked out what was going on. The long story cut short is that I am okay. My heart has decided to behave itself again and I am deliberately and intentionally avoiding stress and stress inducing situations. The world can be a stressful place. We all have things going on and we rarely know what someone else is going through so being kind is always at the forefront of my mind BUT being kind doesn’t mean being a push over.

Kindness has been a little bit lacking lately online – we rarely ever know what is happening in someones world beyond their highlight reel and that is most definitely the case with me. I have been very good at pretending that I am fine when I am not. I have been a push over in the past. I used to be too scared to speak up on issues that mattered to me. I was worried of offending someone or hurting their feelings. I was scared of being judged and so worried about being taken the wrong way, until I realised that the only people who would likely ever comment in a negative way were people who did not care about my feelings, and who are totally unconnected with my life, my family or my story. Why would I give any weight to their opinions? Sure we don’t just disregard people because that is unkind and not right – but we certainly don’t live our lives dictated by them! We all know what they say about opinions – and with the toilet paper shortages that we are currently experiencing, well I guess that the stink issue could be worse than normal.

Hey, I have reached out, I have said I am hurting and have received the typical and expected responses from the usual places. For the most part, people don’t want to get involved. It’s messy to be involved in my shituation (not a spelling mistake) My cynicism along with my hurt has grown week by week. But all is not lost, I have found so much kindness and compassion among my friends. I love my village, I adore the incredible women and men that stand by me. The ones that have cried with me and listened to me. The ones that have done a Scomo and told me to “stop it” when I need it. We are talking about the kind of people that open their home and feed me tea or coffee or gluten free yummy treats and let me talk and cry. The sort of people that drop a meal at my front door, the kind of humans that bring me plants to make me happy and the sort of friends who text “I love you and I believe in you”. I love them, value their opinions and appreciate their kindness. They are my kind of people and they know that at the moment if you can’t be kind then quiet is good!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone. I will be at home practicing and LOVING social distancing. Oh how the introvert in me is rejoicing right now! I love love love social times but I won’t lie, I am really happy that I can be a house hermit right now! I will be found meditating, stretching, praying, moving my body and looking after my family. And just a little reminder for what it is worth …… kindness is not always free – sometimes it might actually cost us something……it might cost us valuing someone else’s health, be it their physical or mental health, more highly than we do the sound of our own voice.

Love Tash

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Someone that decided enough was enough and believed that she could change her stars.

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