Snippets of my why

The lulling tattoo of the waves relentlessly pounding onto the moss-slickened rocks far below her little sheltered nook at the edge of the cliff face, always quietened her heart. It was peaceful in a way that nothing else was, to gaze out over the shimmery, expanse of blue, breathe in deeply and allow herself to feel the sense of perspective wash over her anew. It may feel like the world was collapsing, like her support system was broken, beyond her ability to mend it and her sense of self loathing may have been totally all encompassing at times. But here, in these moments she feel her pains melt away.

That little sea-savaged place had become her most favourite place in the world. It was a place to help her forget and forget she did. He helped her with forgetting. She had a thing for blondes, it started years and years earlier, the only problem was that she was his secret. What she wanted the most, needed the most, was to find a way to like herself, to see some kind of value or worth when she looked at her own reflection and for a few stolen moments she felt like she had value because he wanted her.

When it became that way between them, she wasn’t quite sure. She was messed up with her past hurts and pain and so was he. Two broken people trying to forget and losing themselves in each other. It’s not an unfamiliar narrative is it? All she wanted to do was feel like she was loveable. The beliefs that she had relied on to ground her had slipped through her fingers, and seemed to be lost to her. She felt as though those beliefs hinged on her ability to be good enough – and she had blown that a long time ago! She adored him but she couldn’t tell him that because that would be admitting that she need wanted something and besides, she suspected that he didn’t really want her – he wanted sex and she hoped that if she gave that to him that he would want more.

Oh how I wish I could shake her, stop her, appeal to her in some way that would change the trajectory of her choices. But the truth is that it would take years for her to come to the place where she was willing to learn from the mistakes of others, rather than making her own. She would never have listened – It was the arrogance of youth and her inability to trust. She was sure that she wanted this and that she was okay with no strings. She was convinced that nights in his arms were worth it. They made her feel like garbage afterwards but at the time, for those few hours, it all felt worthwhile and she nearly forgot that she was chunky, just for a while!

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Someone that decided enough was enough and believed that she could change her stars.

2 thoughts on “Snippets of my why”

  1. Your gift… this is it Tash, the thing that you give so freely, that is of immeasurable value. Raw, genuine and until now, only whispered in fellow tortured souls.

    Thank you seems so inadequate.
    I am 55, and have always felt so alien inside myself.
    I never fitted in, never belonged, was never truly loved and accepted like “normal” people… and then late last year stumbled across you in a support group.

    I am still fucked up, still trying to “earn” love, but i realise now that this is something only I can change. No answers yet, but I know I am not alone.

    Much love and light to you Tash
    XO Lou


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