I haven’t been able to write for a few days. My heart has felt overwhelmed. I have been angry and feeling so discouraged at some situations that have happened in our life. For me, when I feel like that, I just tend to sit with it for a while and then I let it go. One thing I have long realised is this – that I can’t control anyone else – the only person I have any control over is me. So I let myself feel whatever it is that I need to feel, and then I let it go. It’s quite interesting actually because as I let things go, I have found that quite often I have remnants of unwanted memories that dance around in my mind! Regrets or the grief at my own folly, lack of judgement or previous bad decisions try to sneak up on me. Hard on the heels of these things is always my old nemesis, Self doubt.
I believe that Self doubt is like gnawing rot in the human soul. It works it’s way into spaces in our heart and our memories without us realising it is there, and casually takes up residence. It is the unwanted, lingering feeling left behind after something unpleasant has taken place. It is found in that long held exhaled breath, or that lingering look. What I have found is that it is never what I feel first in any situation that I find myself in ……. but it is always what is left when everything else is said and done.
I honestly believe that self doubt goes unchallenged and often unacknowledged because of the spaces that it chooses to inhabit!! My own self doubt lives alongside the most painful experiences I have had in my life. Who wants to revisit those? I know I actively avoid it if it is at all possible!! So when I find myself reminded of something painful, well I can be floored for days because of the self doubt that I have let live alongside the hardest of my memories.
Today has been hard. Today I have wanted to allow myself to run away from life and hide in bed. I haven’t done that but I wanted to. Today has been a reminder of my darkest feelings and thoughts about myself. I know tomorrow will be better.