Pain

I want to be writing a wonderful post about how fabulous I feel. But it is unfortunate that I am not yet able to do so. I have had a couple of days of feeling okay in these past few weeks, but overwhelmingly life has been quite painful. . My body hurts and a lot of that is just simply swelling in various places that are still swollen from surgery. I don’t want to feel like this but the fact is – I do!

Recovery has been complicated. I think, to be honest, that is just what happens after surgery 🤷🏼‍♀️. Recovery is long, arduous and when you happen to have a snap covid lock down in the middle of it …. well it takes the fun out of everything – if there was any there to begin with. Obviously all is not woe is me! There has been wonderful moments and I am thankful for all of those.

I can be totally transparent here and say that I don’t think I have ever tried so hard to do nothing at all in my life. It goes against my nature as a person but there we have it, I have been, or at least feel like I have been a sloth! I don’t do well doing nothing. It’s the sitting about the house for days on end, watching dust gather or looking at the shower screens knowing that they need cleaning, that truly gets to me! I bore easily and I hate feeling like I am not contributing in some way to the running of my household. Now, at 5 weeks post op I can contribute more than I was – however my body is sore.

My stomach incisions are beautifully healed and I couldn’t ask for better. I will probably have a small amount of excess skin again in time and I am sure that my mons will sag once again but hey – I’m 44 years old. I have had 5 kids and lived a life so my body is doing it’s best. I am thankful that I have not had any wound break downs and I am thankful that my body feels more able to do the things I require of it on a day to day basis now that I have less skin hanging from me. My right arm is great too. All healed and doing well. My left arm, however, has been painful from the very first day. I wondered about it from the day of my surgery – the drain that was in it in hospital never produced much of anything and yet it was extremely sore and tight and painful. That feeling has persisted for 5 weeks. I have not particularly made much of a drama about it but WOW – PAIN!!!

SOOOOOOOoooooooooo last Monday when I woke up my arm was double its usual size and that felt like it was probably something that I should tell my surgeon. I had no reply until very late on Thursday afternoon as his nurse was on days off. In any case I had to have an emergency scan on Friday to rule out blood clots. Thankfully I was clot free but not drama free. I have once again made some seromas. This time I have two, both in my left arm. Both where I have had intense pain from the very start of this process. Thankfully I was not imagining it or overreacting – years and years of having ones concerns brushed aside as a big person still linger and scratch away at the corners of my thoughts. My Surgeon was in theatre on Friday afternoon so nothing could happen then and was away in a different area today so nothing could happen today but I am going in to see him in his rooms tomorrow morning. So I suppose we will see how things play out. I have become good at speaking up for myself and making it known what I will and won’t be okay with.

Emotionally the last few weeks have been very tough. Honestly I fell into a bit of a hard time because a couple of my children just did not cope with me having surgery again. Truthfully they have been through hell over the past year. There has been situations that children should never have to endure and I am just thankful for the resilience the kids continue to show. However, even though things seemed okay for me to go in for surgery, it was just one thing too much. For the anxiety that I added to their lives, I will always be sorry. I am just thankful that everyone is now in a good place and happily moving forward. Incredible things are happening.

I am thankful for the goodbyes in my life over the last 12 months. On a personal note – if you have ever called my mother names, spoken to her with disrespect or broken her heart, just stop reading my blog and leave us all alone. And yes, I 💯 mean it from the bottom of my icy heart.

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Tash

Someone who decided enough was enough and believed that she could change her stars.

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