Identity – It’s who we are right? It is woven into the fabric of our lives. For me, well my identity has been a complex evolution over the last few years. I feel like I was content with who I was for a very long time. I totally identified with so many limiting beliefs that I had placed around my own life. I pigeonholed myself and put myself into a box and it took me nearly 2 decades to realise that it was okay to want things for myself. It took me nearly two decades to say “It is time for me to step into what I want for my own life.” Allow me to explain.
I have been very very fortunate. I have a deeply loved, authentically genuine family. I wanted things for my children, for my husband, for my parents, my siblings, etc. I lived my life to achieve that end and I hoped to please everyone. I lived my days to do the things that I felt would add up to a good life. I approached everything, my relationships, my health, my financial future and work with all of the naivety that my young soul possessed. I jumped, head long into the adult world and I believed that I was ready. I was thoroughly convinced that the belief system I had placed around me would serve me well. I was convinced that my values were in line with what would lead to a good and happy life. Even when things didn’t seem to work, I would hold, unswervingly to the things that I believed to be true. I did not question things, that wasn’t encouraged. That questioning was a lack of faith. To question was to be hiding a rebellious heart and that would lead to more problems. So further and further into brokenness I fell.
Lets be clear about something – I don’t blame any one person or thing for finding myself in the state that I was in. I accept responsibility for my own life and the choices that I have made. I have been asked over and over again “have I lost my faith” – “what do I believe now” and other questions like that. Well if there is a need to ask that then you don’t know me and I don’t wish to answer 🙂 But there are certain things about me that have shifted in massive, life shaking and dramatic ways.
Thankfully there ARE some things that are true and that I will
I now question things, okay okay….. now I question everything. I constantly seek to learn more, to understand things better and to be a better version of the person that I am today. I have let go of things that I didn’t want to let go of, my life has shifted in a dramatic way and I choose to be thankful.
Right now I am sitting on my bed thinking of my grandparents. Fondly remembering the love and kindness that they showed to me and to others throughout their lives. There has been a shitstorm take place in our family over the past year and changes have happened that will never be undone. They will never be undone because I don’t want them to be and I have zero regrets about that. I have learned to walk away. My heart is thankful for the memories that live on in my heart. For the time that I spent. For the things that no one can take that are tucked away in my heart. They are good and happy things.
Plastic surgery caused me to consider how I want to live my life going forward. Who I am and how I want to interact with the world. It has changed my life once again. I couldn’t be more thankful even if I tried. I am so very humbled and grateful for the opportunities I have had to make a better tomorrow.