Good Afternoon awesome folks. It’s R U Okay Day in Australia as I am sure many of us are aware, and I wanted to take a moment out to ask that question, and also to let you know a bit of the mental health journey that I have gone on as a result of the changes that have happened in my life.
There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I became big because eating was my way of coping. There were things that happened in my life as a child and as a teen that I was not able to understand, process or cope with and the easiest thing to do when I felt sad, afraid, alone and hurt was to eat. And eat I did! It wasn’t so bad when I was young – I used to try to tell myself that I was just like other kids but I was 60 kilos by the time I was 10 years old. Over the years that rolled out in front of me, my weight swung wildly as I tried to come to grips with dieting. By the time I was 19 years old I was 125 kilos, angry and packed full of self hatred.
I feel so very sad for the me of my 20ies and 30ies. I was trying to be a young mum, a good wife and a perfect daughter and sister but I never felt good enough, I never felt good at all. Those feelings of inadequacy and self loathing that started as a little girl followed me around, packed into every excess kilo that clung to my body. I hope that this is relatable to someone because I can still feel that – I wore my excess like armour – I hid my soft heart and my hurts behind my funny big girl persona and it fooled most people. I tried so many different things, so many ways to not be fat anymore.
It wasn’t until I started to come to terms with the sad things in my past, stopped loathing myself and feeling unworthy of love and acceptance, that I made any real progress towards changing my life. I saw the psychologist, I got help, I knew that I needed to change and do things differently because if I didn’t, nothing would change. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result – so when I started to explore gastric bypass as an option I knew that I needed to deal with my unhealthy relationship with food.
It hasn’t been easy, and the surgery did highlight just how dependent I had become on food to calm me and help with anxiety but by that time I didn’t hate me anymore. I am so flipping proud of the big version of myself. She believed that she could change her stars, she believed that the future did not have to be the same as the past had been. She went to the hard places in her heart and addressed the pain filled issues and determined that they wouldn’t be the things that would hold her back. Every time I see a transformation post I feel that same kind of overwhelming sense of pride and awe because I know just how hard it was for that person to get to that place. We know that we aren’t all perfect, we know that we still have some screwed up thinking, and some flappy bits and perhaps we sometimes make bad choices BUT we did something great for ourselves because we knew that we were worth it. We really really are xx I hope you are okay today, and if you aren’t – my inbox is always open. Love Tash xx