We all do it don’t we? Accentuate our positives and downplay the negatives? I know how to dress, I can rock the tiny little jeans, cute jackets and pretty shirts! I can paint my face with the best of them and look pretty good! Hey, I’m 42 (why is Taylor Swift’s 22 going round in my head LOL) and I think that its not all bad news …… or is it!
Last night, in preparation for my surgery, we did my pre op pics. The kind where you stand in all of your naked glory and just let the camera do the rest. I have already done these in the doctors office! (the poor man and his poor nurse)Sooooooooooooo can I just say OH MY FRICKEN GOSH, I am actually not feeling 100% okay today. This was confronting. I am 100% body loving. I think that there is nothing more aesthetically glorious than the human form – in all of its variations BUT apparently I feel this way about everyone else, and not myself! I think big, little, short, tall, slight and voluptuous forms are so intoxicatingly beautiful. People are beautiful – but me ….. weeeeellllllllllllll perhaps not so much! Clearly I know that this isn’t true and I am, once again, confronted with just how deep some of the wounds from my past run. I thought that I was fine with everything, but it turns out that Shrek was right! I am an onion – I have layers – and I found some old layers last night that have left me feeling more fragile than I was expecting to be today.
Please don’t get me wrong – I feel privileged to have had WLS and to have had such fantastic success BUT there is a line – or at least in my mind there was a line. I have a skin curtain and my mons is just really really disfigured from all of this weight loss. I have always kind of disassociated myself from that area of my body. Yes I have 5 kids and yes I have had a pretty great sex life for a long time with the same man BUT I do have a blockage in being able to accept the lower half of my body. So today I have started to panic about how I will look after surgery and what I can expect. I don’t want to have unrealistic expectations but I don’t want to wake up and be disappointed either. I am also having some questions about my breasts – particularly the side boob area. Will that be dealt with. What can I expect. So I am going to fire off an email to my surgeon. I am going to articulate all of my concerns to him and I am going to hope that between the two of them (yes I have two surgeons) that they can perform a miracle because I need one! I will post the pics that I took but I can’t do it today. I need some time to process my feelings around them a little more before I do.