I have contemplated writing this piece for a loooooooooooong time. I wondered if I actually needed to write this or if it was something that I felt like I wanted to put out there into the universe. After sitting on this for a couple of months I have decided that I need to write it so here goes………..I appear to live my life very much up front and authentically when I am recounting my experiences here, in blog form. I tend towards brutal, sometimes self depreciating honesty that can, in actual fact, make some people really uncomfortable. Authenticity and openness is a truth that I cling to and something that I struggled to live out for a very long time. The truth is, I can’t write if it isn’t my truth. There is an anti/BS filter that it would seem I have been fitted with or perhaps I was even born with – I just don’t do fake well. If it isn’t resonating with what I believe then I just don’t say anything. My writing will dry up when I feel like I am unable to be honest. I have a prior experience with the well of creativity drying up – I was silent via all creative mediums for years. These days, I refuse to be less than authentic – it’s just a stand that I have taken.
The facts are – I spent far too long bull shitting for people who would not even walk across the road for me. For a long time I was so sad about wasted years and berated myself for being loyal and valuing that more than my own peace of mind – but over the past few months I find myself profoundly grateful for those years! I am thankful and life-alteringly filled with gratitude for that moment of beautiful clarity, when I knew beyond a doubt, that change was needed but it had to start with ME! I am grateful for the struggles and the pain because of the changes that they have caused to take place in my heart and in my life.
If you are looking for a change because you blame others, if you are eyeing everything around you through a filter of criticism and fault finding – can I suggest that living life that way is like sitting down with a virus and then being horrified when you become sick! What is worse still is that once infected, we spread it to everyone that we come into contact with. That was me, that was my unhappy story. I allowed myself to be toxic and only I can change that and I have changed it. In those days I traded authenticity for a happy clappy, superficial fakeness. It makes me sad to think that I was once so concerned with the opinions of others and needed that validation so much that I was prepared to bastardise my own values to gain it. Things changed profoundly for me a few years ago and even more so over the last 12 months! I can say that what I do now is done out of love and not out of a misguided loyalty or a sense of duty. Being the person that we know we are supposed to be, being authentic, genuine, open hearted and loving will ALWAYS be far more attractive than being a stressed out mess, terrified of failing to adequately perform for all “the right people”. This is for free, if “the right people” don’t adore you as you are, see your potential and champion you, build you up and make you feel better about yourself ….. well I would question if the are “the right people” at all! Don’t get me wrong – being made to feel shame for who you are is NOT the same thing as being challenged to rise because your future is calling you. It is possible to be challenged to be more without being made to feel like you are a failure.
I didn’t write for years because of something that someone I really looked up to, said to me. He asked me “why would anyone want to read anything you have to say, who qualified you to write?” At the time those words plunged me into a mass of self doubt and endless questioning of my own abilities. I wish someone would ask me those things now 😂😂 I have such a passionate, life filled response that I am probably a little too eager to unleash! I even look back on that interaction and see less offensive intent and more of a question being posed that I needed to answer for myself. It’s funny how life changes us, its funny how experience makes us more seasoned and gives us understanding. Finding purpose does that! It bubbles inside of us, it motivates us when nothing else can and it empowers us to look beyond discouragement and all of the other things that stand in our way and gives us the strength to keep going. Don’t give up today.
Right now I am so profoundly grateful for my life. I am thankful xx